Various Shades of Gray
by VickyFromGreece
Summary: Sequel to "Yesteryear". As Spock undertakes his kahs'wan, Sarek & Amanda face a dilemma. How willing are they to make compromises & face the consequences of their decisions? Years later Spock & Nyota face their own dilemma. And compromises are never easy...
1. Prologue Nine days ago

Disclaimer: In real life Star Trek belongs to Paramount and Eugene Wesley "Gene" Roddenberry RIP. However when I am sleeping, sometimes I dream that it belongs to me! And that's my only profit.

This story is inspired by Star Trek: The Animated Series, episode "Yesteryear". However Spock and Nyota are together and will appear in the final chapter. So I feel it belongs to ST 2009.

Letters in Italics represent people's inner thoughts. This chapter is edited by Aphrodite420 who I wish to thank because without her some phrases would sound, well… Greek.

Please forgive my simple vocabulary - English is not my native language.

**Various shades of Gray**

**Prologue****: Nine days ago**

The aged healer walked inside the great hall of the enormous mansion. He wore no splendid robes and bore no emblems. Yet his presence made everyone in the room still.

The father walked toward him first and offered the ta'al. "Live long and prosper, healer."

A wizened hand rose to match the gesture. "Live long and prosper, Sarek of Vulcan." Then his sharp gaze went across the room to the other two people that were present.

"Is this the boy?" he asked.

Sarek nodded. "This is my son, Spock. And my bondmate, T'Amanda."

The mother raised her hand, also forming the ta'al. "Welcome to our house" said a smooth voice.

"I come to serve," was the older Vulcan's reply.

"Your service honors us."

The healer looked upon her for a second. He had never seen from up close the alien wife of S'chn T'gai Sarek, son of T'Pau, matriarch of the noblest of all Vulcan clans. They were the clan of Surak, the greatest of all who ever lived on Vulcan, father of the modern Vulcan civilization. The S'chn T'gai family, Surak's own bloodline, was everything the word Vulcan embodied. But, like every other person on the planet, he had heard of her.

Her husband's choice to take her as bondmate while he served as an ambassador on her native planet was a subject that even now, nine standard years later, was a topic of conversation among his people. Her voice was smooth and calm. Her hair was pulled back in an elaborate bun, a style common among Vulcan females. Only her face and brown eyes betrayed her alien origin.

_It__ is fortunate that she bares no emotional expressions, typical of her weak species, _he thought_. _ His gaze traveled from her to the boy standing by her side. "Come closer Spock, son of Sarek."

The seven-year-old child gingerly approached the elder healer who observed him. _Indeed the rumors are true_, he thought to himself. Apart from the alien brown eyes, the boy bore no other resemblance to his mother. He could almost pass for a full-blooded Vulcan. _Almost. But not entirely. _

The healer began to speak the necessary words. Words he had repeated numerous times… "You are about to undertake an ancient ritual that has existed since before the Time of Awakening.

"The kahs'wan ordeal is an ancient rite from our warrior days. Our people are now committed to the concept of total logic. Yet we have come to realise that complete dedication to logic could allow weakness and frailty to arise and endanger us.

"Therefore when our race turned to logic, we decided that the tests of courage and strength must be maintained - to keep pure logic from making us weak and helpless.

"Tomorrow you will depart for the Sas-a-shar desert, the same place where Surak himself began his pilgrimage thousands of years ago. The desert is a harsh and dangerous place. There you must walk alone and survive for ten days without food, water or weapons of any kind. You will take nothing with you. No one is allowed to come by your side. Nobody will assist you. There will be no one to comfort you. Are you taking this journey willingly, Spock?"

"Yes, healer," came a young voice's reply.

"So be it." The healer placed his right hand on the child's temple and closed his eyes for a few seconds. Then he opened his eyes and removed his hand. "I can testify that you are in good health." He looked at the boy's parents. "You are aware that no communication whatsoever is allowed between you and your son?"

"We are aware," answered the father.

"Very well then." The healer once again placed his hand on the child's temple. This time he did not close his eyes. Instead he looked at the boy's face as if searching for something… His eyes became unfocused.

_Yes…__ There. It is done._

A gasp was heard inside the silent room. The hands of the Terran woman begun to shake lightly but she quickly regained her composure.

"It is done," said the aged healer. He turned to face Sarek. "Now I shall take my leave."

Both parents remained silent and Sarek moved to escort him, but the elder stopped and turned once again toward the boy.

"This personal ordeal upon which you embark tomorrow will test both your mind and your body. It will determine the course your life will take. Yet it is no disgrace to fail once."

"Yes, healer."

"Spock, the Sas-a-shar desert is also known as the Forge. And it is called this for a reason. It will test you, enlighten you or destroy you." An old hand rose to form the ta'al. "Have a safe journey Spock, son of Sarek."

With these words the aged healer turned and left. And a deafening silence fell inside the great hall.

* * *

Ta'al: the Vulcan salute

A/Ν: Any questions this chapter arises will be answered in the next chapter. Your thoughts, comments and ideas are most welcomed.


	2. Variations of Colors and Time

Disclaimer is in prologue. Letters in Italics represent people's inner thoughts.

I would like to thank Aphrodite420 who edited this chapter.

**Various Shades of Gray **

**1. ****Variations of Colors and Time**

Amanda Grayson never liked the color gray. It was achromatic and dull. Lacking in cheer and so gloomy, gray always reminded her of stormy clouds on a moody day. No, Amanda Grayson was never a fan of gray. Orange. Orange was her favorite color. And that was why she loved Vulcan sunrises and sunsets – the sky would explode in a bouquet of red, orange, purple, pink, green, blue and all the shades in between, to form a breathtaking view. One she could sit and watch for hours. But not today...

Today Amanda not only couldn't admire that view – she couldn't stand it. She sat on a bench inside the arboretum her Vulcan husband had made especially for her. An oasis on the surface of a desert planet, the arboretum was a reminder of her home planet, Earth. Earth with its blue skies and oceans, so different from her present home… and so far away.

Amanda sighed heavily but refused to let the tears flow free… How ironic that her name meant "worthy of love". Oh, she was loved. Although she never heard the words, and probably never would, she could feel it. She felt it and that knowledge pained her more than anything else.

She felt empty… alone. More alone than ever. The marital bond she shared with her husband was completely shut down. And that happened from her side. She was the one to shut down the link that united them for the last nine years. She didn't want to see Sarek. She didn't want to talk to him. She couldn't stand his presence. The last time they were in the same room was eight days ago, when Spock left for his kahs'wan.

Spock, her baby… her only child. At that thought Amanda's sighs became once more heavy dry sobs. And yet she refused to cry. Instead she looked down at the gray stones that formed a path around the plants, and took a deep breath. She tried to calm herself and took some more deep breaths. She couldn't stand any more disapproving looks from her Vulcan staff. Oh, they never commented on her emotional lapses, but she knew… She felt. And right now she was frightened as never before in her life.

No matter how much she tried, Amanda couldn't stop thinking what would happen if…

_If Spock encounters a wild animal, like a __lematya with poisonous claws… or a wild sehlat, or one of those__ carnivorous __plants that lay on the ground looking harmless until one reaches them. The plant would grab and trap him within its expanding branches, strangling him… What if Spock gets__ hit by an electric discharge during an electrical sandstorm__…? If he lost his way in a __sand fire storm__… If… If… If…_

Amanda shivered. The possibilities were endless.

Only one month ago her seven-year-old son played with I-Chaya, his aged pet sehlat. Now I-Chaya was gone and Spock was out there in that… hell hole. All alone. All alone in the wild, cruel Forge that didn't forgive, not even the smallest lapse or slip of any kind.

_The Forge…_ Amanda thought and shivered again. Vulcan's harsh desert was formed by the nuclear war that devastated the entire planet during the Time of Awakening, almost two thousand years before. It was a vast desert canyon, which made it a natural environment for lethal predators and wild animals numerous times the size of her small son… When she first arrived on Vulcan as a young bride, she had asked Sarek to take her there on an expedition. How little she knew back then…

It was Sarek who insisted that Spock, who had chosen to follow the Vulcan way, needed not only to undertake the ancient kahs'wan ritual but also to succeed with his first effort. It was dangerous, yes. But Sarek had confidence in his son's abilities and Amanda was forced to agree… If Spock was to be raised like a true Vulcan, then his upbringing would be identical to his father's and every other Vulcan's. Being a true Vulcan could be nothing less.

Amanda's gaze was fixed on the gray stones, ignoring the Earth beauty around her. She once had seen a woman who lost her son in the Forge during his kahs'wan. An animal attacked him and although the child managed to escape by climbing on a rock, he slipped and fell from high, crushing his neck and back. _A most… illogical death. A meaningless death… Why?_

Instinctively she put her arms around herself and shivered. She would never forget the woman's eyes, not until the end of her days. Her eyes were not… emotionless, like the other Vulcans, but looked like they were made of glass, fake and empty. Glassy, empty Vulcan eyes looked upon her, a Human woman with a Vulcan baby in her arms. Amanda had hugged Spock tightly and Sarek, who felt her distress and discomfort, sent her a wave of reassurance and support before coming physically to her side.

Later, when they were alone, Sarek explained. And those words felt like a knife slicing through her heart. That ancient ritual was necessary for Spock to be accepted in the Vulcan society as an equal. Nothing more, nothing less. And having that in mind Sarek spent as much time as was possible in preparing their son for the ordeal that would determine his entire life.

Although Amanda knew what needed to happen she felt a deep shock, as if her heart missed a beat. Pain and absence remained inside her mind, in the place where Spock's soothing presence used to be.

Nothing had or could prepare her for this… emptiness. Because nine days ago, one day before Spock left, a healer came into their house. And the parental bond between parents and son was… cut.

It was a requirement, something necessary for all children participating. There would be no cries for help, no mental assistance, no communication whatsoever. Spock would be all alone.

_No,_ she reminded herself. _Now Spock __**is**__ all alone out there._ And if he didn't return in ten days time, the day after tomorrow, they would go out there, looking for him.

Amanda swallowed hard. She didn't want to be like that woman with the empty, soulless eyes. This was something she would prevent from happening with all her power. Standing, she tried to compose herself.

A few seconds passed and, having reached a level of calmness, Amanda's gaze was still fixed on the gray stone path.

_Grayson. Gray__ son. Spock could never be a gray son._ No. Amanda Grayson's son could never be gray. He had to follow one of the two ways. Either black or white. Human or Vulcan. And due to his biology, his emotions, his very nature, Spock's path had been chosen for him. A middle path, a gray path was simply… not an option.

Spock had to follow the Vulcan way in order to survive and prosper. But that didn't mean Amanda liked it. For every passing day she saw herself in her son's eyes less and less.

That was when Amanda first felt it. A small tingle in her fingers. A little dizziness. She looked at her palm and her fingernails. _What a strange feeling…_ The tingle was then replaced by a numbness that Amanda had never experienced before. Alarmed, she tried to leave the arboretum but everything became a blur. Trembling, she sat on the bench behind her.

Amanda panicked as the numbness, starting from her fingers and toes, started to expand all over her body. She tried to breathe but the more breaths she took, the less air she felt reach her lungs.

She tried to scream for help but her lips and tongue, along with her head, were also numb… She simply couldn't… move!

Alone and totally helpless with her last coherent thought, she opened the link wide open and sent Sarek a mental cry for help.

Then she fell on the floor trying to breath, struggling for air but it felt as if there was not enough air on the entire planet. Suddenly she realized that the numb feeling was circling her heart.

_Oh my God! _She thought. _I am having a heart attack! I am dying!_

Her last vague image was of Sarek bending over her and lifting her in his arms.

* * *

Chapter soundtrack:

Madonna - Time Stood Still

Nick Cave - Into my arms

A/N: What happens to Amanda in this chapter is based on a personal experience. Your thoughts, comments and ideas are most welcomed.

Why orange? "Orange is a mellowed red. It takes primal, lusty urges and mellows them with a softer vibe. Orange is the color of early attractions, emotional responses, and inner magnetism. Someone who likes orange is alive with feelings, the ability to nurture, and can intuit a path to success. If your favorite color is orange, you don't have an "off" switch when it comes to passion." From an article I liked – I believe it matches perfectly with Amanda's personality.


	3. All Our Reasons

Disclaimer is in prologue. Letters in Italics represent people's inner thoughts or memories.

This chapter is edited by Aphrodite420 who I must thank for saving me from a few embarrassing errors.

**Various Shades of Gray **

**2.**** All Our Reasons**

Sarek was in his office. But only physically. Mentally his thoughts were elsewhere. His thoughts were traveling back sixty-five years, tο his own struggle, during his kahs'wan. Skon, his father, had taken him out tο the Forge many times before, giving him useful information. They'd spent nights out there camping or staying in the caves, sheltering themselves. Sarek used all his father's lessons and his personal experiences and taught them to his own son, taking him out there too.

Yes, Spock had a few human genes. But as his basic nature, his basic structure - his _core_ - was Vulcan, there was only one logical path for him to follow. A path that would control his deep emotions and offer serenity and calmness, something Spock could never achieve if he chose differently.

Sarek reached out mentally to his wife and found their marital link completely shut from her side.

_So she__ still can not see my logic._ _Or worse, she sees my logic and refuses to accept it. _

Either way the result was the same. They had lived apart in the last eight days and eight nights, since Spock had left. Amanda refused to see him, talk to him, even to be in the same room with him. And she slept in the smaller room across from their bedroom.

The irony didn't escape Sarek. Vulcan couples usually slept in different bedrooms. However since the beginning of their marriage Amanda insisted that they sleep together like humans did – in fact she was quite persistent. And Sarek accepted her request. It was, after all, logical to make a few compromises during their marriage. Amanda had left her planet, her home, her family to be with him among an alien species. She was emotional and needed physical support. And she loved him unconditionally. That was… until recently.

Yet Sarek did not yield. That was simply not an option. Not for all of Amanda's tears, not for all of her yelling at him and calling him heartless. Sarek's reasoning was plain. Spock had chosen Vulcan. And the kahs'wan was the Vulcan way, the logical way, risen from the ancient times when Vulcans had fallen prey to their deep passions. These firm controls and ordeals were established for one reason: So that Vulcan would never fall again.

_Is__ that the only reason?_ Sarek asked himself. He knew deep inside that the answer was… no.

For all of his logic, and the necessity for Spock to follow the Vulcan way, Sarek had another reason buried deep inside his soul. And that reason was fear. Not the fear every Vulcan male faces as a father to a son. But the fear he faced two months after the day he began searching for a suitable bondmate for his then six-year old child.

Sarek knew that finding a suitable bondmate for Spock would be difficult. But what he never imagined was that even his honored family name might not prove an attractive enough characteristic for another family to agree to bond their daughter with his son.

Finally a suitable family was found; the girl's father was a former colleague from VSA of respected reputation and from an old bloodline. Not as noble as his own, but an agreeable choice nevertheless.

There was only one requirement for his son, and it was a most logical one: The kahs'wan ritual.

Although the human genes inside Spock were very few, the differences - between him and other children his age - were various, and to make matters worse… obvious.

His mischievous sense of humor for a start, his frequent emotional lapses, and the fact that he only managed to achieve the nerve pinch just one month ago, during the two-day visit of Sarek's cousin Selek.

Sarek would forever be grateful to his long distance relative whose existence even he ignored, prior to Selek's unexpected visit. His cousin came the very same day that Spock argued with some of his schoolmates who called him "Earther" and "barbarian" and openly claimed that his father brought shame to Vulcan by marrying a human. Those last harsh words managed to evoke from his son another emotional reaction.

That very same night the child decided, on his own will, to leave for the Forge alone to take his kahs'wan test early. Spock felt he had much to prove to himself.

Had it not been for the ever faithful I'Chaya who, defying Spock's authority, went with him into the Vulcan desert, and Selek, who followed them both, Spock would have fallen prey to a wild lematya, one of Vulcan's deadliest predators.

I'Chaya, Sarek's long-time companion, had sacrificed his life to defend Spock against the beast's attack.

When Spock was returned safe to his home by Selek, Sarek spoke with him. Logically. Efficiently. Amanda, who saw through their bond, felt his relief for Spock's safe return and his sorrow for the loss of the family sehlat, an animal Sarek had known since his childhood and considered an old friend. She felt his worry for his son's coming ordeal. She felt his satisfaction for Spock, who had finally achieved the nerve pinch.

However, despite all that, she was frightened and tried to persuade him to delay Spock's test for another year. Amanda believed that Spock was not ready.

"Perhaps next year… He would be older, stronger, more balanced."

With those words Amanda first requested and then she demanded. She cried and she pleaded. She shouted and she even refused to attend him, something that was unprecedented considering the closeness of their marriage. Finally she saw reason and accepted his decision. But Sarek suspected his wife and their relationship "walked on thin ice."

_What a curious expression, _he thought, _colorful_ _but also a true one._

True. For that thin ice crushed when the healer, who came to examine Spock and pronounce him fit to participate, muted temporarily the parental bond between parents and son. A necessary measure during kahs'wan. No child would be favored. No child ever was. That was not the Vulcan way.

Amanda's response was shocking and totally unexpected. She said nothing in front of the others, like a proper Vulcan wife. But when they withdrew to their bedchamber she slapped him hard – or at least Sarek thought she hit him hard. Her strength was no match for his and he hardly felt her hand striking his face. What really shocked him was the action itself, followed by a wave of hate she sent him immediately after.

Then she turned, walked out of the room - their room - and went to the small bedroom across the hall.

It was there where she remained for the last eight days and nights. Avoiding him. Shutting him out and cutting every communication. Leaving the room only to take long walks in the arboretum, her arboretum, a small piece of Earth on the planet's surface.

_Yet this i__s not the only reason,_ he told himself. The memory hit him, like a chill throughout his body, an image like a flash. Sarek inwardly cursed his Vulcan eidetic memory. Because, no matter how many years passed, he would never forget…

_They were married only for two months when his Time came__ prematurely due to Earth's lesser gravity… or the planet's moon. The healers were not certain. It was not due for another year. He and Amanda had talked about this over and over again. After her insistence he was forced to overcome his discomfort and tell her everything he knew. A healer talked with her, and began to teach her how __**she**__ would control his mind, when __**he**__ would loose all contact with reality. _

_But that knowledge was not enough.__ It was too soon._ Her young and untrained mind couldn't hold his. Her fear from seeing him out of control made her slip… just a little. But that momentary loss of control was all it took.

Sarek awoke two days later to find his wife lying unconscious next to him and covered in blood.

His.

Hers.

Mostly hers.

He remembered clearly, oh how he wish he didn't!

_Amanda lying on the bed, hands and feet spread awkwardly and unnaturally, covered completely with bruises and bite marks__… her lips and teeth were… green? His blood. And there was… red? He looked down at himself. And the sight made him sick. He too was covered with her blood. Her innocent, alien blood. _

_Nobody deserved this. No one had to endure it._ Yet she did it for him, to save his life.

Three years later they managed considerably better. Amanda's mental control had improved. Their frequent mind melds provided enough practice, and to his great relief, she was able to… withstand him. His Time left her only with bruises and bite marks.

He was relieved. She was… happy, and so confident they would manage equally well every Time after that.

And they did. Although the third time, two years ago, apart from the usual bite marks and the unavoidable bruises there was one cracked wrist. She insisted that was an accident. And laughed.

As always, he was appalled by his own lack of control. All he ever wanted was to run away from her. Why was she pleased? He was curious. So he asked her. And while she was in pain, she laughed again.

"Because I love you silly," was her reply. "You are my reason. You are all my reasons."

Those were her exact words, spoken from her smiling lips while her bruised hand stroked his face…

Sarek was humbled by her willingness, her affection, her devotion to him and the way she proved all those things Time after Time. All Vulcan males were obliged to their bondmates for keeping them alive. And his mate proved herself as equal as any other Vulcan wife. With one exception, the cost she paid, the physical pain she had to endure.

So he took it upon himself to provide her with everything he could, within his power. His household was both powerful and wealthy. Everything she ever desired, everything she even turned her gaze to admire, was soon at her disposal. She scolded him and called him "softie." _How illogical. Did she not comprehend that everything he was and all he achieved were because of her? She was the one who made everything possible. _

It was only natural that when she wanted a child, the best Vulcan healer along with one of the finest Federation doctors, were summoned.

The result was an infant that made her eyes watery and increased her heart beat. A heart filled with unconditional love and affection.

Once again, after the child's birth, he was relieved she was well, considering her long, hard struggle during her pregnancy. He was most pleased and proud of his newborn son, a son he always wanted, but was uncertain would ever father after taking a mate from a different species. Yet they succeeded. Against everyone who claimed the opposite, against all fears and evil omens, she gave him a son.

It was only natural to ensure his only child's well being, and Spock received the best education in the Federation, the Vulcan one. When the time of the kahs'wan approached, Sarek offered his son the choice of which path to follow. Given Spock's dual heritage Sarek presented both possible pathways the child could choose. It would be Vulcan or Human.

It was a simple yet cruel choice. Spock was close to his mother and Sarek had heard the whispers from his household staff. Always whispers and nothing else. Whispers of an emotion never acknowledged openly but still being present, always lying under the surface. _Love…_ Whispers that ceased in his presence.

Sarek knew the emotion his son was accused of. He knew it because he too felt it fiercely, primitively and passionately. Sarek therefore knew firsthand the need for Spock to control that emotion. If his son didn't, it would destroy him along with everybody else standing in his way.

It took an emotional lapse and a reckless, impetuous decision for Spock to make that choice. The boy's thoughtless idea to leave early for his kahs'wan and go to the Forge resulted in I'Chaya's death.

It was a painful loss, one that could have been avoided, but it was not a meaningless one. I'Chaya's sacrifice had not only saved Spock's life, but it also showed him his future path. The boy afterwards came to realize the gravity of his decision. How his family and close ones might too suffer one day if he lost control and reacted emotionally again. And choose Vulcan.

So… Now they reached the next level in his Vulcan son's life. Spock, son of Sarek, son of Skon, from the house of Surak, had to bond with a Vulcan female in order to secure his life and his future.

Sarek stood next to the door leading to a large balcony while his gaze traveled across the mountains, to the harsh desert. And with his thought he sent a mental embrace to his son who couldn't sense him, his only son who was out there fighting for the path he chose to follow. His two hands being his only weapons.

That was when Sarek felt a sudden mental wave of fear that shook him. He took a sharp breath and immediately reached out… _Amanda!_ He was out of the door before he even received her second thought, a mental cry for help. _She is panicking!_

_Patience adun'a, I am coming, I am almost there… _

Sarek ran towards the arboretum. Two of the guards followed him when they saw their dignified master running at the top of his speed. He searched frantically and found Amanda lying on the floor among the plants.

He took his bondmate in his arms. And the sight of her face froze the blood in his veins. Her eyes were like glass.

* * *

Chapter soundtrack

Within Temptation - Stand My Ground

Ricky Martin Ft Meja - Private Emotion

A/Ν: Your thoughts, comments and ideas are most welcome.


	4. Only Human

Disclaimer is in prologue. Letters in Italics represent people's inner thoughts.

This chapter is edited by TeaOli who I must thank for her generous and kind assistance.

**Various Shades of Gray **

**3. Only Human**

"Oh, relax Mandy! You will be just fine. You've only had a small panic attack."

Dr. Daniel Corrigan run a medical tricorder over Amanda's body. Watching the indications he smiled reassuringly when her husband intervened.

"Doctor, I wish to assure you, nothing attacked my wife. My guards searched the entire facility. They found no evidence of any kind of attack. Large or small."

"What? Oh, no, no, no Sarek. You misunderstood me. You see this attack is not a… real, physical attack. It is caused by high levels of… ummm, emotional distress."

Not sure how a Vulcan would handle such an illogical illness, Daniel put the tricorder in his medical bad and smiled at Amanda who now laid on their large bed in the master bedroom.

_Oh God, __when was the last time I saw a smile? _And that thought scared Amanda almost as much as Spock's unknown fate.

"You will be juuuust fine."

_A singing voice, such a happy sound_. This was an almost alien sound to her ears.

When Amanda spoke next her voice was low and faint, unrecognisable even to herself.

"I thought I was having a heart attack."

"Yes, most people do. It does resemble to that, doesn't it?" Daniel once again smiled reassuringly.

"I couldn't breathe. I tried so much…" she whispered with a pleading look in her eyes.

"And you started taking deeper and deeper breaths in rapid succession. Yes, that's how this is caused."

"I believe Doctor you said it was caused by an emotional distress." Sarek's steady voice held a question.

Daniel first looked at Sarek, then at Amanda, then at Sarek again.

"Well, yes… Let me explain. You've been under a lot of stress recently, am I right?"

Amanda nodded her reply and Daniel took a container from his bag, unsealed it, selected one cartridge and started preparing his hypospray. He continued speaking while injected Amanda at the neck. She hissed and blinked as in pain. None of them observed that Sarek also momentarily held his breathing.

"That's what causes the original discomfort. But then usually we - humans I mean - start to panic and we try to breathe a little… desperately? Am I right?" Daniel looked at Amanda who silently nodded again and continued.

"People, humans that is, often experience panic attacks as a result of a phobia. This means fear of someone or something. Panic attack usually begins with that feeling of fear. That causes a little provoking stimulus. Little… but enough for our body to start releasing adrenaline. This leads to an increased heart rate and rapid breathing. Many people perceive it as a shortness of breath. Sometimes there is also sweating." Daniel continued in his most professional but also friendly tone.

"Rapid breathing is called hyperventilation. That leads to a drop in carbon dioxide levels in the lungs first and then in the human iron-based blood. This is called hypocapnia which in turn can lead to many other symptoms. Numbness, dizziness, lightheadedness."

"On top of that, the release of adrenaline during a panic attack causes vasoconstriction. Simply, that means less blood flow. This explains why you are so pale Mandy. And less blood flows to your head, again causing dizziness and lightheadedness."

Daniel took a deep breath and moved his hands in small cycles in front of his chest indicating his lungs.

"When you felt as though you were unable to catch your breath, and started taking deeper breaths, that also further decreased the carbon dioxide levels in your blood. Basically, it is a circle…"

"To put it simply," he smiled, "deeper breaths cause the dizziness and the bleary vision, and everything else is the result of your own panic. You said you were in the arboretum?"

"Yes."

"The oxygen levels there are higher than outside, so as to create a more Earth friendly atmosphere?" he asked.

"It was especially designed for that purpose." Sarek stated. "Do you believe there was a malfunction? My wife visits it often. This has never occurred before."

"No, no. Amanda?" Daniel looked at her with a serious look on his face.

"Yes, Daniel?"

"I injected you with a mild sedative agent. It will reduce your anxiety and slow your breathing rate. In short, it will calm you. But I would like us to speak in private." He looked at Sarek. His eyebrows rose and a question formed in his eyes. "I know this is against Vulcan customs…"

"Indeed it is Doctor, and I will not allow it. I do not intend to leave this room." Sarek's voice was totally calm. He could have fooled anybody… except his wife. Sarek never left her when Amanda was in such a weak state. He left her extremely reluctantly even when she was treated by a healer after every one of his Times.

Compared to other species, Vulcan males were very possessive of their bondmates, as they were the key to their existence. Especially when another male was involved. And although Sarek never commented or complained about Daniel, Amanda was certain that he was not comfortable with the friendship she shared with her human physician – a friendship born from the distance of their home world and the nostalgia that sometimes accompanied their memories. However she knew that hell would freeze first, before her so Vulcan husband would admit to the illogical emotion of jealousy.

"Daniel." Amanda decided to intervene and begun to sit up. Both men rushed to assist her, but she motioned them off with a wave of her hand and sat with her back against the bed's headboard. "I'm fine. Really. I feel a lot better now."

"As for the cause of my distress..." Amanda let out a small but audible sigh. "Spock is out in the Forge, taking his kahs'wan test."

"Oh my God." The words came from his mouth involuntarily and Daniel froze for a second. His surprise was more than obvious. Then he blinked, remembering where he was. _Well, that explains everything_, he thought.

Amanda continued while her face was a neutral mask. "Today is the eighth day. We expect him to return the day after tomorrow."

Daniel tried to smile but the best he could do was stretch his lips to form a fake resemblance of a smile. "Of course, Mandy. But this… We… you… are after all only human. I guess that explains it all."

"I guess it does." Her pained eyes met his and Daniel swallowed.

This… was difficult. He had also heard of the Vulcan maturity test that all boys took when they reached seven years of age. Living on Vulcan for more that twenty years, and treating Amanda for the last nine of them, offered Dr. Daniel Corrigan a rare privilege. A look inside the Vulcan society few outworlders ever had a chance to take.

_Bonding rituals, mating rituals, coming of age rituals… __And who knows what else is out there? Raising the dead?_ Ηe sometimes wondered about the species that claimed to follow the principles of logic. Vulcans were notoriously secretive about their culture and customs.

Nevertheless, Daniel secretly considered himself to be like a godfather to Spock. The unique child's conception and birth was the result of his work with Sorel, a Vulcan healer. After their success Daniel and Sorel were considered Vulcan's best medical team. Has it been seven years already since the day he came to visit her after she gave birth to that little chubby baby elf?

Daniel smiled at the memory of the infant – a real smile this time. Spock was the first Vulcan newborn baby Daniel ever saw - until then all his other patients had been from Earth. And Mandy was so proud that day…

_Have seve__n years passed already? God, how time flies… Oh, Mandy._

It was at that time that Daniel decided to do the unthinkable. Ignore her Vulcan husband. And focus completely on his Human patient.

"Would you like to talk about it?" he asked her in his most serious tone. And with the corner of his eye he saw Sarek shift a little from where he stood.

Amanda gave him a weak smile, her first smile in more than ten days. And shook her head. "No, thank you, Daniel. Just tell me what I need to do and how to avoid it in the future."

"Well… basically all you need to do is control your breathing. If you feel that numbness again just stay calm and take a few slow short breaths instead of many fast, deep ones. It is as simple as that. You may think that you will drown and need to breathe more heavily – don't do that. Breathe calm and slow. Although I believe the planet's thin atmosphere will prevent that should you ever panic again. There is not enough oxygen to… choke our brains. This time I say it was bad luck because you were in the arboretum." He shook his head. "I don't think this will happen again."

"Thank you, Daniel." Amanda's voice was now steadier.

The doctor looked at her and then at her husband who stood facing him. Sarek's gaze was cold and Daniel was sure that if looks could kill he would most probably be dead by now. Nobody ever entered between a Vulcan male and his mate. It was one of the first things he learned when he came to this desert planet almost twenty years ago. But again, Mandy was a good friend. And Daniel was a headstrong Irish human who took his medical oath very seriously.

"Well then, I'll take my leave now. Stay in bed today and rest. OK? I am sure that Spock will be fine," he said and smiled.

Amanda nodded again. He put his tricorder in the bag and closed it.

"I will escort you Doctor." Sarek's deep voice was calm as always.

"Thanks. Mandy? It will be OK" Daniel said and Amanda smiled weakly.

Then the two men left the room, taking Amanda's smile with them.

* * *

Chapter soundtrack:

Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes

Noel Harrison - Windmills Of Your Mind (also you might want to check in YouTube the video of user: CerebralJam - it is a beautiful performance)

A/Ν: I am not a doctor so let me know if I made any mistakes. Medical information comes from Wikipedia.

Both Dr. Daniel Corrigan and the healer Sorel belong to Jean Lorrah and appear in her TOS novels "The Vulcan Academy Murders" and "The IDIC Epidemic".

Your thoughts, comments and ideas are most welcome.


	5. Choices, choices

Disclaimer is in prologue. Letters in Italics represent people's inner thoughts.

This chapter is edited by TeaOli who I would like to thank for her assistance and time.

**Various Shades of Gray **

**4. Choices, choices…**

Sarek returned to the master bedroom within seconds. Only to find his wife preparing to get up.

"The doctor suggested you stay in bed."

"And that's where I'm going," Amanda retaliated with a muted voice while avoiding his intense gaze. Instead she looked at the floor while slowly she rose on her feet.

"This is your bed," he insisted. "You will stay right here."

"I prefer not," was her low, cold reply.

"There is no logical reason for you to leave our room. Stay and rest. You are not in a healthy state," he said, also refusing to give up.

"Sarek... I can not fight anymore. I am too tired. I just... can't. Just... let me go," Amanda whispered while stood next to the bed with her shoulders lowered.

She felt as if she had just emerged from one of Sarek's Times. Tired both mentally and physically. But he stood in front of her, blocking her way.

He spoke next. "My wife..." _Did he emphasize those words?_ Amanda thought, "I do not understand what is it that you want me to do. Open up our link. Let me assist you."

Amanda withdrew her gaze from the floor and looked straight into his eyes. "I don't want to."

"Adun'a, I understand that you suffered these last days. I too find myself in a state of... unrest. But I have confidence in our son and his abilities. Spock will return to us safe and unharmed."

Surprised Amanda looked at him. It was so unlike Sarek to admit to an emotion, even in private. But right now she found didn't care.

"You don't know that." Her voice begun to rise but then calmed once more. "We've already had this conversation. All I've asked was for some more time. You and your traditions disagreed. There is nothing else to say."

"Spock did not need more time. He was ready. All seven-year-old Vulcan children are."

"HE IS NOT VULCAN!" Amanda screamed, at the top of her lungs. And felt dizzy as if the room begun to swing around her. Sarek reached out to offer support but she took one step back to avoid him before continued stabbing him with words.

"He is not entirely Vulcan. A part of him is Human. He is partly mine Sarek. **Mine**. He is not entirely yours."

"I am quite aware of that." This time Sarek raised his mental shields to block her anger and hate. She momentarily lost her control and opened their link.

Like a shot, for a brief amount of time, he felt his wife's pain and fear – a pain so deep it hurt him physically. A fear so big it sent shivers down his spine. Anger so intense it scared him. His wife was angry with him. With his choices. With his actions. With his planet. With... herself?

Amanda's next words came calm and collected. Yet she shivered from exhaustion.

"When we decided to marry, we both knew that it was possible we might never have children of our own. But we loved each other enough to accept that. And I was happy. I really was. I could have lived like that, Sarek. But then Spock came. And everything changed. We were no longer alone."

"Amanda, I understand that it is difficult for you to accept this situation. Yet I urge you to do so. For our son's sake. For his future."

"His future? What future? If anything happens to him out there, there will be no future!" Amanda's voice had begun to rise again.

"Do you think so little of him? Is he so incapable in your eyes?"

"Don't you dare! Don't you **dare** put words in my mouth Sarek!" Amanda exploded and pointed her finger at him. "I know where Spock is right now. Remember? You took me out there nine years ago. I **know** what is out there!"

"I acknowledge there are risks..."

"**Risks****?**"

"...yet that ritual is necessary. Every Vulcan boy at the age of seven goes through it. And in my clan - it is true - we take great pride in succeeding at our first effort. My father expected that from me the same way his father expected it from him. I expect nothing less from my son."

"Oh, you arrogant bastard!"

"Amanda, I have no desire to lose my son. Our son. I sent him out there to secure his life." Sarek took a breath and mentally tried to calm himself. This confrontation was most upsetting...

"Secure? How? When he left one month ago by himself he was attacked by a lematya! A lematya! If I-Chaya was not with him, he would be dead now! How can you say that? How can you stand there and think he will be better this time?"

"Because I have **faith** my wife... Faith is all I have."

Suddenly silence fell in the room. The couple stood frozen and faced each other.

Hearing Sarek admitting to an illogical emotion for his own logical reasons cracked Amanda's shell.

Her voice came like a whisper. "I want to believe. I want to have faith, too. But I feel a void inside me Sarek and I am afraid." For the first time in nine days Amanda begun to cry. Her shoulders begun to shake. Tears filled her eyes and started running down her cheeks. Her voice cracked. "I am so afraid. That emptiness... hurts so much... I want Spock back. My baby... In my arms and in my mind... I... can not live without it... Oh, God..."

Sarek was overwhelmed. He could take the hardest blow, endure the deepest wound. But he could never endure her tears. He reached out to embrace her. And for once she did not resist. Although he was not sure if she desired his embrace ... or was too tired to push him away.

"I can not live without Spock, Sarek. I don't want to." Amanda's lower lip begun to tremble and her eyes goggled while she uttered the unthinkable. "If Spock doesn't make it..."

"Do not say that, Amanda." Sarek caressed her brown hair and tried to comfort her with his voice. "Spock is worthy and strong. He has my blood and your will. He is familiar with the desert flora and fauna. I have trained him myself in the survival methods of our forefathers. He will succeed. Spock will return to us."

"...if he does not... come back... I'll leave you, Sarek." Amanda's voice was only a faint whisper but Sarek's ears started ringing with what he had just heard. Involuntarily he grabbed her arms and squeezed her but she did not complain. He was three times stronger than a human man and always careful when he handled her.

Even when she spoke those harsh words, Amanda knew that they were the one thing that could make Sarek snap. So she accepted the physical pain without uttering a single sound, knowing that the emotional pain she was causing him was far greater. Years ago a Vulcan healer, who taught her the proper techniques to control her husband's mind, informed her of what she should avoid at any price. This was on top of the list. A Vulcan male's life depended on his bondmate. Thus nature ensured that Vulcan men protected their wives against every danger and at all costs. Always. Protectiveness and possessiveness were basic elements of their biology.

"You wouldn't dare." His eyes flashed and his voice came out completely dry and threatening. The couple stood embracing and completely still, each looking at the opposite wall.

"I gave you everything, Sarek," she whispered softly in his arms. "My mind, my body, my soul, my life. These things belong to me. And I choose to give them to you willingly. But I can not give you my son. I can accept your way of life and I can accept Spock's decision. It is difficult and demanding. I know that. But this... is cruel. I cannot do that. I can't lose my son this way. This... is too much."

"You will not leave me, Amanda." Sarek lifted her so that her toes barely touched the ground and sternly looked deep into her eyes. Their faces were only a few inches away. "You love me." His grip was like iron and his eyes were pitch black, something Amanda had seen only when he was deep in plak'tow.

"Of course I do." There was no reason to deny something they both knew. "That is the reason I couldn't stand looking at your face. Spock is so like you. Every day, I see his face in yours. And I will end up hating you for it. And hating myself. I don't want to hate you, Sarek. You and Spock are everything I have in my life."

"Which is precisely why you will not leave me, Amanda. Am I to remind you that I am Vulcan and you are my mate? We are bonded. We are one. You belong to me and I to you. Leaving is not an option. It never will be."

"Well, I am Human. And I can't choose. I love you both the same. I prefer to die than to see any harm come to both of you."

"For me there is no choice, either."

Sarek recognized the bitter smile on his wife's face. He always found this facial expression controversial. How could something that meant to express joy also be used to express bitterness?

"Well then. I guess we have finally found out the only field where we are not compatible."

The realization hit them both. There would be no turning back from this. It had taken them ten years to reach this point. Had it been only a decade since they first met? It felt like a lifetime... Spock's lifetime.

"You are hurting me," she whispered and Sarek immediately removed his hands and lowered them to his sides.

_How long did I__ hold her like that? She will have bruises again__..._

"I wish to go to my room," Amanda said wearily. Her eyes here swollen and her body felt limp.

"There is no need. You stay in this room. I will leave," was his calm reply.

She shook her head. "You don't need to leave. This is your room."

"This is **our** room," he corrected her. "It belongs to both of us. However you can remain here and collect your thoughts until Spock returns. The discussion is closed. Next time I enter this room will be when you open our link."

With those words Sarek turned and left the room without looking back.

When the door closed, Amanda stumbled, and with uncertain steps, collapsed on the bed. Through the voice control she activated the air conditioner, something she rarely used. Sarek had installed it for her in their bedchamber when they first got married. Something to relieve her from her new home's harsh climate. Vulcan was so much warmer than Earth. But once the air begun to cool inside the room, she shivered. Over the years she had become accustomed to Vulcan's heat.

Amanda turned off the air conditioner and shut her eyes tight so as not to see the ancient tapestry that decorated the opposite wall. The priceless cloth depicted a lematya and a wild sehlat that stood on their back feet engaged in a deadly embrace. An image she once found beautiful and captivating. But not anymore. Not with I-Chaya buried in the S'chn T'gai family grounds.

Soon her exhausted body drifted to a dreamless sleep.

* * *

Vulcan words

Adun'a: wife

plak'tow: blood fever, the final part of Pon Farr.

Chapter soundtrack:

Anastacia ft Ben Moody - Everything Burns

Evanescence - Bring Me To Life

James Morrison ft. Nelly Furtado - Broken Strings

A/N: Your thoughts, comments and ideas are most welcome. If you have any questions, I will try to answer to the best of my ability.


	6. The Gray son

Disclaimer is in prologue. Letters in Italics represent people's inner thoughts or memories.

This chapter is edited by TeaOli who I would like to thank for indicating the differences between American English and British English.

**Various Shades of Gray**

**5. The Gray son**

Sarek and Amanda stood quietly at the gates of Shi'Kahr, one of Vulcan's largest cities. Their home was on the other side of the city near the Tarhana Mountain but this is where they were supposed to be today… Waiting…

This part of the city was located at the edge of the Forge and in the distance were the L-langon Mountains. Although they could not see them clearly, their thoughts were not far away from those mountain peaks.

Amanda clenched her fists so tight her nails dug painfully inside her palms. She tried to hold on against the pain. Nothing else mattered at that time. Because so far there was no sign of Spock. And at this time Nevasa, the merciless Vulcan sun, began his way towards setting…

Her next breath came like a heavy moan. The pain did help. It was the only thing that stopped her from rushing out there, in search of her small child. Pain… and knowing that her husband standing nearby would stop her, before she took a second step.

Sarek watched his wife and felt grateful she lacked that internal clock that gave him the ability to accurately count time. There were no clocks on Vulcan – the inhabitants had no need for them. And in her current emotional state he was certain it would not be beneficial if she could count the minutes and the hours passing by. In fact, it would be quite the opposite.

Nevertheless he knew that while living on Vulcan for nine years, Amanda had practiced, and was actually very good, in telling the hour from watching the sun's route in the sky. And even if she had not developed that ability, there was no way for him, who had so much power, to stop the sun from setting…

He suppressed a sigh and tried to calm himself. If he was not in control, how could he demand it from others? But at this time it was impossible to meditate. So while keeping a discreet eye on his wife and at the same time intensely watching the desert, he recalled the events of the last two days, in an attempt to strengthen his control by meditating on the situation.

* * *

It was with the first light of the same day that Amanda exited the master bedroom and found him outside the room. The couple looked at each other for several seconds before he decided to break the uncomfortable silence.

"My wife, attend." He turned and started walking down the corridor. But stopped after taking a few steps, when he did not hear her familiar footsteps behind him. He returned where she stood and his severe expression softened.

"Today is the day. Spock will be waiting for us to greet and welcome him."

"..."

"Amanda?"

Sarek observed his wife's expression. Her face was a neutral mask but her eyes… he did not need the bond to see the fear that nested there.

"It is tradition," he whispered in an unusual, softer tone he reserved only for their bedchamber.

Oh, how she had come to **hate** that word! As per Daniel's orders she had stayed in bed yesterday and the day before. However Vulcan's higher gravity tired her easily and did not make her recovery quick.

Slowly, Amanda nodded. Sarek observed her throat as she swallowed. Hard.

"_I do not need to remind you that your wife is human. Our species needs to express our emotions. I__t is healthy for us. Amanda must voice out loud her fears and concerns. Anyway, don't you two share a bond? Why can't you calm her?" Daniel's voice had still been alive in his ears when they exited his bedchamber two days before._

"_She has shut ou__r link," he confessed. _

"_Can she do that?" Sarek nodded positively and Daniel whistled. _

"_And to think that some people believed you had the upper hand in this marriage… I mean… you are the touch telepath, not her."_

"_I could… force the bond to open." Even the words tasted bitter in his mouth. "But it is not ethical. It would be wrong." _

_Daniel looked at him and sighed. "Of course. Listen… Keep her in bed, at least for a day. She needs to rest. And after that, she needs to take it easy. I mean…"_

"_I__ understand."_

"_Anyway Spock will return by then, so__… yeah, he will." Daniel shook his head as if to reassure himself. "And… she'll be a lot better after that. Her mind will calm."_

"_I cannot leave her alone at this state. I must go back…"_

"_Yeah, yeah. Don't worry. I'll see myself out."_

At that minute Sarek carefully watched his wife's throat as she swallowed back her emotions. She needed to express them. She was Human and she had to express them. She was not Vulcan and could not - should not - control her emotions. They would discuss this. Obviously later today. Or perhaps tomorrow.

Amanda slowly took one step toward him… and another one. He nodded, turned ahead of her and the couple left their house in silence.

Seeing their master, accompanied by his Human wife, leaving the house caused an unusual wave of whispers among the Vulcan staff. For they all knew what that day signified. And there were more than a few people who were curious to see if their master's incomplete child, that couldn't even prevent a display of its emotions, would succeed where even some Vulcan children failed. The idea that it might achieve its goal, especially with its first effort, was difficult to imagine.

* * *

His wife walked from one side of the gate to the other. Took one look at the desert. Then walked back. And repeated those actions. Again. And again. And again. And again. Sarek watched her with his peripheral vision but wisely said nothing. She had refused to talk to him during these last two days since her illness, as she also had done since Spock's departure, ten days ago. And they had not spoken in the hovercar on their way here, either.

Amanda looked around her. There were a few people walking at this hour in the street. And everybody passing by knew better than to question a couple who waited at this spot. So they stood and waited in silence, for each passing moment seemed like an eternity.

Until… a small frame appeared in the horizon.

Originally, it was a small spot that Sarek noticed first. He did not wish to alarm Amanda, but as he focused his gaze she uttered a cry.

"What is it? Do you see him?"

"A figure is approaching. Amanda, please calm down. Remember Daniel's orders." It was impossible to affect her with the bond still closed. Her heart rate increased dramatically and Sarek tried to transmit tranquility through his voice. But she stood unaffected. Her whole body began trembling again while her eyes focused on the desert and on nothing else.

Sarek reached out and touched her shoulders tenderly. Surely, her arms were bruised. He was very careful not to touch them. "Amanda. My wife, look at me. We have discussed this. Spock must arrive at the gates unaided and untouched. Untouched. When he crosses the gates and is inside the city limits then we are allowed to touch him. But not before." He tilted his head. "Yes?"

"Yes," she whispered with a trembling voice while looking at the distance.

"Then I suggest we take a few steps in the back."

If any person were to walk by, they would see a rare sight. A Vulcan man touching a woman by the shoulders, guiding her inside the city walls. An extremely rare spectacle. But as it was evening and the city's streets were almost empty… nobody walked by. And both figures stood still, watching the small spot on the horizon becoming bigger and bigger… Coming closer and closer…

"Oh, Spock!"

The sight of his son stepping out of the Forge and the sound of his wife's pleading cry put Sarek's control to a severe test. Mentally he refocused himself.

_So this is what pride feels like… _

That very moment Sarek wondered about the feelings of his own father. Had he given him so much pride? And he marveled at the sight of his own son. Spock walked with a steady gait. Tall and firm.

_He lost weight. And… is he taller?_

"Oh God, thank you!" Amanda's cry brought Sarek out of his reverie. He must establish control – he needed to establish control!

"Amanda, ashayam… Let him come to us in peace. Please. He is close now," he whispered.

Amanda Grayson looked at her gray son as he approached and eventually stood right in front of them. Spock was covered completely in the Forge's dust. From the top of his head to the end of his feet he resembled a gray ghost. Except from the eyes… Brown, human eyes looked at the couple.

"Greetings, Mother. Father."

"Spock. Welcome back. We are most pleased with your performance. You have matched our expectations."

His father's voice, as always, was perfectly calm, but Spock didn't fail to notice that Sarek's eyes scanned his body from top to bottom, searching, calculating, analyzing, and estimating.

"Thank you, Father."

"Thanks are illogical. I speak the truth. Your mother, as you can see, is quite sentimental concerning your expected return."

"Hello, sweetie," smiled Amanda through teary eyes.

"Mother. Please do not cry." Sometimes Spock… was exactly his father's son.

Amanda's tears ran free once again and a smile lit up her face while she approached to embrace him. "Oh, Spock. I can't help it. You must forgive your illogical Human mother." And she bent over to hug her son.

"Goodness, you've grown! And you've lost weight! How do you feel? How are you? Are you well? Are you hurt? Let me look at you!" she said while her eyes and hands frantically searched his body for any possible injuries. There were none.

Spock's eyes shone. He was pleased that their parental bond was muted as he did not wish for his mother to know the pleasure he took from her attentions and the knowledge that she missed him even for such a small amount of time.

Seeing her distressed ten days ago, on the day of his departure, caused him a sentiment of great inconvenience. He decided to thank her in a proper way, when their bond was restored. He would send her a feeling of gratitude.

"I assure you, Mother; I am in excellent health..." But before he could utter his last word Amanda put her arms around him, hugging him tight again.

However, Spock had already begun to feel uncomfortable. He always found that alien habit of hers flattering, but at the same time unnecessary and upsetting for his emotional control. Especially with his father currently present, watching over them with his austere gaze, obviously disapproving.

"Do not touch me, Mother. I… am… covered with dust from the desert. Your clothes will be stained."

Amanda looked closely at her son's face and for the first time in ten days observed him carefully. Her beloved gray son… A true gray son. It no longer mattered that he didn't look like a Grayson. In her eyes, Spock never had been more handsome. This was everything she ever wanted in her life. This was everything she needed. Her only son. Alive and well…

"Oh, Spock, it doesn't matter," she said, shook her head, and bit her lower lip. "I love you so much. And I am so proud of you." Her voice was drowned while she caressed his once round but now scanty cheeks.

"I appreciate it, Mother. You are most kind."

Sarek looked at his family. _The day has ended most satisfyingly,_ he thought and spoke next. "The hour is late. We should return home. Our hovercar is nearby and we have brought water and some nourishment. Come, my wife. My son."

Quietly the three figures turned and left the city gates while darkness fell all around them.

As the Vulcan way dictated, the tallest figure, the father, preceded followed first by his bondmate, and then by his son.

And if the female figure at some point stepped back, embraced the child and placed a kiss or two on his face, there was no comment or reaction. After all there were no people passing by, for the hour was late and the street was dark and deserted.

The next day a healer was summoned to the house of S'chn T'gai Sarek to confirm the passing of the ancient ritual and to restore the muted parental link.

Two weeks later, at the marital grounds of the S'chn T'gai clan, a bonding ceremony took place – one of the thousand during the clan's eonian and honored history.

Like his Vulcan forefathers before him, Spock, son of Sarek, was betrothed through a mind meld. His chosen bondmate was T'Pring, daughter of Soren.

* * *

Vulcan words

Ashayam: beloved

Chapter soundtrack:

Nick Cave - To Be By Your Side

Yanni - Aria

Α/Ν: This chapter indicates the middle of the story. Although it is small, it was the most difficult to write. And not because I had to research where Spock's house was located. That information and all the Vulcan words come from The Vulcan Language Dictionary.

Your thoughts, comments and ideas are most welcome.


	7. Sleeping patterns

Disclaimer is in prologue. Letters in Italics represent people's inner thoughts or memories.

This chapter is edited by TeaOli who I must thank for correcting a few grammatical (and not only) errors. But as I always make last minute changes all remaining mistakes are mine.

**Various Shades of Gray**

**6. Sleeping patterns**

Although originally he dismissed these thoughts as illogical, a fear started to creep inside Sarek's mind. Three months ago he and his wife had an argument about the proper time when Spock should undertake the kahs'wan ritual. Amanda insisted that Spock was not ready. An emotional lapse from the boy back then had led to I-Chaya's death and almost cost his son's life.

However, Sarek stood his ground firmly and one month later as scheduled their son left for the Forge. Spock returned after ten days. Always as planned. Secretly, Sarek was proud. Now nobody would call his son a coward… Nobody would call him barbarian or half-blood. Nobody would call him emotional… Earther… or Terran. His son was a true Vulcan. Spock's heart and spirit were forged in the harsh desert and with the bonding his future was sealed.

But there was unrest inside his family for the first time in many years. He and his wife had not only disagreed. Their relationship during these last months suffered a terrible blow. And they remained apart ever since. Amanda kept their bond shut and avoided any physical contact with him.

At first Sarek did not believe her illogical behavior would last so long. But as he stood outside his bedchamber door once again, he was forced to reconsider.

Every day for the last 48 days his wife had been the perfect model of a proper Vulcan wife. Their daily lives continued as previously. He resumed his diplomatic duties, she her teaching responsibilities.

However, every night for the last 48 days Sarek had stood outside their room and sent his wife a mental question. And for the last 48 times his mental attempt to communicate with her had been unsuccessful. Amanda still kept their bond shut from her side. And she had spoken to him only seven words, three "nos" and four "fines", mainly because Spock was present and she did not wish their son to know about their argument.

Sarek became unsettled. He was Vulcan and Vulcans were creatures of habit. Therefore, he was not pleased when his marital bond remained closed or when his daily routine was altered in the slightest way. And especially… this.

Such a situation was unprecedented and Sarek begun to… feel… lonely. This had never happened before. His mate always welcomed physical contact. She enjoyed it… In fact she needed it on an almost daily basis.

True, there were two cases in their marriage when they were forced to remain physically apart, while the bond had remained wide open.

One was during her pregnancy. Her difficult, dangerous pregnancy. Longer than her Human standards. Harder than her fragile body could endure. One that both the Vulcan healer and the Human doctor strictly advised against repeating it.

The other… The other…

His gaze darkened at that memory and quickly pushed in back, way, way back, at the infinite depths of his vast memory. This was neither the time nor the place. She had healed. And it was illogical to dwell upon a past event that could not be altered.

Afterwards, she had insisted that there was nothing to forgive. She had already accepted him just as he was. And, as if he could not see it through their bond, she had demonstrated it, through her words and actions.

He lowered his head and suddenly felt like he was again a pre-kahs'wan child requesting persistently for a ta'an. Besides, it was she who initially requested they share a common bedchamber. What if now she decided to eschew that habit of hers? What if she became used to solitude? Would they come close only during his Time?

Sarek suppressed a sigh. As much as it disturbed him to admit even to himself… he had become accustomed to her presence beside him in the bed. And he was not proud to admit that their mating outside his Time was most satisfactory. One of the few pleasures he took from his disciplined life.

Alone in the corridor Sarek sighed and turned to leave. He would come back again tomorrow night. But as he turned his back a small mental tingle caused him to turn abruptly. Amanda had opened the link and shyly tried to locate where he was. Was he working? Sleeping? Meditating?

_"I am right here. Outside our bedchamber."_

_"…"_

_"May I come in?"_

_"…"_

_"?"_

_"Yes…"_

Sarek took a deep breath, opened the door and stepped inside their bedchamber. The only place in his house he hadn't entered during the last weeks.

* * *

Later in the night Sarek sat at their bed, thinking. Beside him, Amanda had fallen asleep. He should allow her to rest in order to regain her strength. Her alien nature made her delicate against his home planet's harsh conditions. And he knew that no matter how much she welcomed his attentions, he could, and sometimes did, exhaust her.

Sarek decided to focus his thoughts and meditate on the current situation. Although he and his mate had not talked yet, he could sense from their bond her loneliness, her sadness, her pain and eventually her relief upon Spock's return. Those were things he could feel now, through their wide-open bond.

Out of all her emotions the one that puzzled him the most was guilt. This situation was owed to Spock's Vulcan upbringing; it was illogical to fault herself. Why did she feel that she was also to be blamed if anything had happened to their son?

It was true she initially agreed to this, but only after his persistence and continuous efforts. His culture dictated, commanded in fact, that ritual. Spock's Vulcan emotions needed to be steeled in the planet's Forge. It required one of the cruelest places in the entire known universe to place under strict control his species fierce sentiments. The alternative… would be catastrophic. Vulcans knew that first hand.

The thought of his species' dark past flew from his mind, like a heavy shadow.

His ancestors' burden was heavy; thousand years of fighting had resulted into horrifying atrocities… But that was back then.

Now their responsibility lay in keeping Surak's teaching, his very essence, alive, and to pass it on the next generation. It was a good philosophy. Noble. Although it was considered hard and difficult, Vulcans were strong in mind and in body. A weaker species could not have achieved it. Yet under the Surakian influence, his once almost extinct species rose from its ashes and achieved so much. He, himself, had achieved so much…

He looked down at his beloved mate. It was illogical to question, but at times like this he often found himself curious. How would his life have evolved if he had not accepted the ambassador's position to her cold, humid and unpleasant home planet? If he had gone there ten or twenty years before? She would be an infant. Ten years later? She might belong to another male. Unthinkable.

Amanda had come into his colorless life like a fresh breeze. So different, so interesting, so very pleasant. From the first time he set his eyes on her, the word "ashayam" took on a whole new meaning – her image, her face, her body, her perfectly fitting name. From that moment on she and that word, that deep feeling - that untamed emotion - would be one and the same.

And she had accepted him. It was so much more than he hoped and ever believed he would gain from life. A bond-mate who would finally accept him just as he was and for what he was. But then Amanda went beyond that acceptance. She had changed her life so much for him, to be with him. Left her family, friends, and home, for his. A stranger among strangers. An alien face among his oh, so tolerant species…

It was difficult. Exhausting at times. Discouraging. Dangerous. So dangerous… But so far they always managed to overcome every obstacle and every sorrow.

Ironic how it all resulted to this. They had to confront so many barriers to be together and to have Spock and now this…

But it was unavoidable. He knew it. She knew it. And it was a truth their only child found out in the cruelest way, losing a good and trusted friend, a member of their family.

The taste of her in his mouth was salty. During her climax Amanda had burst into tears. It was not unprecedented, but it was also not frequent. Through the bond he offered support, but as the tears started running down her cheeks he immediately moved to remove them. His hands were occupied; therefore he processed in the only logical alternative and used his lips.

Now, after all those years together, their struggles, all their efforts, agony and pain, he ended up swallowing his wife's tears just as she had swallowed her emotions forty eight days before. That situation was simply unacceptable.

He and his mate needed to talk… when she awoke. There were things that should not be left unsaid. Not after what took place between them during the last months and a few hours ago. But that could wait – she needed rest.

Silently Sarek left the bed and went to the bathroom. He took a quick sonic shower to remove from his body the evidence of their intercourse. Then walked to the closet and put on a pair of casual pants. He needed to meditate properly. But again… A thought passed his mind. He observed Amanda while she slept peacefully.

His wife laid on her right side and her mouth was… slightly open. As if she was ready to utter a small sound. Vulcans did not sleep like that. They lay on their back and kept their mouths closed. And they kept to themselves. Not like… this. While sleeping Amanda often found her way in his warm embrace. At the first days of their marriage he found that habit of hers… alien. But again he clearly remembered her original reaction to his biology…

_The first time they lay together on their bed naked, she put her right arm__ around him and her right leg between his, rubbing her body into his, he __became aroused again __and started… purring. That caused her to jump up and asked alarmed if he was "OK". He was uncertain what "OK" meant but assured her that he was well. He explained this was a natural response due to his felinoid ancestors. Her reaction to his revelation was most… enthusiastic. _

_Much, much l__ater that same night, or rather in the early morning hours, and with great reluctance, he left their bed after she had fallen asleep, so as to research what "OK" meant and satisfy his natural curiosity. But the result puzzled him. The word's logic escaped him. So the very next morning he asked his wife how "OK" was related with the phrase "all correct" since neither the __O__ nor the __K__ was correct. Her response surprised him. He was certain he made a proper inquiry. Yet after all these years Sarek had never seen again a person of any species cry as a result of laughter… _

At the thought of that beloved memory Sarek's mouth twitched a little. He allowed himself that emotional lapse as he was alone – his wife was sleeping. Although the sight was aesthetically pleasing there was something else he needed to observe…

He left their room and walked down the corridor. Opened a door and stood at the entrance of his son's bedchamber.

Spock was sleeping in his bed. And the sight of his son, safe inside the walls of his house caused to Sarek a feeling of… relief.

And this time his ancestors' enormous weight was lifted from his shoulders.

It proved to be a difficult task, yet he had succeeded. His son decided to embrace the Vulcan philosophy. His son succeeded in the kahs'wan ritual. His son was alive and well. His son was bonded and secured. When the Fires claimed him, when his Time was upon him, Spock would have a safe haven to turn to.

His son was safe.

Yet there was something in the child's sleep that was… familiarly alien. Spock did not sleep like him. His son lay on his side with his mouth slightly open, like his mother.

Sarek's eyebrows drew together and two lines were formed between them – an extremely rare facial expression indicating his displeasure. He hoped that in time Spock would unlearn this habit. Preferably soon. But that was not something he currently needed to concern himself with. He took a final look at the small figure, then gently and without noise, closed the door and returned to his bedchamber.

Quietly he removed his pants, folded them carefully, placed them on the couch and lay on the warm bed, embracing and sniffing his soft wife.

She felt so good in his embrace… so right. This is where she belonged. Beside him, inside him, never parted, always touching and touched. He was pleased. Most pleased. And decided to sleep for two hours - then he would awake to meditate.

But at that time Amanda's eyes opened. She looked at him, and with a deep exhale she sat up.

"We need to talk."

* * *

Vulcan words (from the Vulcan Language Dictionary)

ta'an: gift

Chapter soundtrack:

Monika - Over the hill

Secret Garden – Nocturne

A/N: Monika, who wrote and performs "Over the hill", studies mathematics i.e. logic :-)

Sarek's unpleasant memory is described in chapter 2: All Our Reasons.

Next chapter is bigger. I promise.

As always your thoughts, comments and ideas are most welcome.


	8. Past and future accomplishments

Disclaimer is in prologue. Letters in Italics represent people's inner thoughts.

I would like to express my deep thanks to TeaOli for editing this chapter.

**Various Shades of Gray**

**7. Past and future accomplishments**

Sarek watched his wife as she rose, folded her legs under her body and sat on the opposite side of the bed facing him. Her position reminded him of a statue in her home planet – a sea creature sitting on a rock in a harbor. _What was its name? Oh__,__ yes. Den Lille Havfrue. The Little Mermaid__. _

"You should rest if you are tired. We can resume our talk in the morning."

She shook her head. "No, we need to talk now. It can't wait."

"Very well." He too rose and sat with his back against the bed's headboard. "You may proceed." _Since she initiated the conversation, she should make the initial statement. _

In an attempt to make the sleepiness go away, Amanda rubbed her eyes and face.

"Are you well?" Seeing her red, sleepy eyes, Sarek became concerned, instinctively placed his right hand on her temple and checked her telepathically. Yes, she was well. And she laughed. Sarek mentally cursed himself. _Excellent… _he thought realizing he not only made the initial statement, but also missed the sound of her laughter. Why was he so weak in everything related to her?

"Yes, I am fine," Amanda said, biting her lips. "Thank you," she added curtly and looked at him uncertainly, as if not knowing how to approach the subject. "What time is it? Approximately!"

Sarek's right eyebrow rose. _So she wishes to engage into "small talk". _

"Approximately three hundred hours," came his amused reply. Regardless of her neutral facial expression, through the bond he could sense that Amanda's mood was improved, something he did not find surprising. After their "lovemaking", one of his mate's numerous expressions for sexual intercourse, she was always in an excellent spirit. _Perhaps this will not be too difficult… _

"How long did I sleep?"

"Approximately? Thirty minutes."

"Very funny."

"Thank you."

"Last time I checked, thanking someone was illogical." In a matching gesture, his wife raised an eyebrow.

"Indeed. I am pleased that you agree with me."

Amanda shook her head. This argument of theirs would last until the end of time.

"Did you meditate only for thirty minutes?" she asked lazily while stretching her arms and back. Her joints made slight cracking noises. Sex with Sarek was a top quality training session and Amanda felt she had missed several classes.

"I was not in my meditation chamber. I went to see Spock."

"He's awake?" Amanda was surprised as their son usually slept a full six to seven hours. But all healers agreed that the child would need less sleep as he grew older.

"He is asleep in his bedchamber." Sarek watched her face. "I was observing how much his sleeping pattern resembles yours."

"What do you mean?"

"You both sleep on your side. And with your mouth slightly open."

Amanda gave him a small crooked smile. "Well, I would say that's fair."

"I am curious as to your logic."

"Oh, Sarek," Amanda sighed, "Spock is so like you. The way he moves, his voice, his face… Every day he is becoming more and more… you. Is it not fair that at night he… looks a little like me?" She raised her shoulders and half-smiled.

"Amanda…" Sarek hesitated for a moment and looked into her alien brown eyes. His son's eyes. But at that brief moment he felt her anger rise again… only to subside 5.7 seconds later. Her lower lip and jaw begun to tremble. _No… No… _inwardly he pleaded as the bond pulsed distressingly.

He was flooded by his mate's feeling of grief before her thoughts stab him.

_How __is it possible that the only person who gives me so much pleasure to also bring me so much pain? _

"You don't want him to be like me. Why Sarek? Why? I gave birth to him. He came from me. Why should he not be a little like me? Just a little bit. Is it too much to ask?"

Frustrated Amanda bit her lip and turned her head because looking at him was again the last thing she wanted at that moment. But as her gaze fell on the priceless tapestry on the wall opposite to their bed, the image on the ancient cloth brought her a recent painful memory; one that made her shut her eyes tight. She begun sobbing and lowered her head while her body started again to shake in spasms. And once again he was forced to see those dreadful tears rolling down her cheeks.

Sarek was alarmed. Her recent illness was a cruel reminder of her fragile, delicate nature. Immediately he reached out and took his adun'a in his arms. As always she felt light as a feather. Yet as he positioned her in his embrace, he calculated that she must have lost at least 3.47 kilograms in the last weeks.

"I know we agreed…" Amanda cried between sobs, "…that it's better for Spock. But it's so damn difficult…"

"Ashayam, please do not cry," he pleaded in his most tender tone and this time he was grateful for the mental bond that had united them for the last 9.18 years.

This time he was able to reach her - their bond was wide open. He sent her a sweeping, smoothing feeling of calmness and peace.

This time he was able to touch her – she was sitting in his lap. In the gentlest way, he stroked her hair and kissed her face, removing her tears with his lips. "Please… cease crying…"

Amanda sniffed and nodded, somehow calmed. "I'll try," she whispered in a trembling voice, knowing that this was one of the worst things she could do to him. Each time her tears flew, the bond became unbearably tense from his side and his posture visibly stiffened.

Exhausted Amanda let out a deep sigh while Sarek held her in his lap. She lay against his chest, closed her eyes and savored the moment. His embrace was so warm… so cozy. Each time he held her in his arms she felt as if she was flowing and even Vulcan's higher gravity seemed less exhausting. She felt… home.

"Adun'a, I have a request," he said softly.

"Yes?" she whispered without opening her eyes.

"I do not wish you to blame yourself for Spock's choice."

Amanda raised her head and looked at him, puzzled. "I… don't. What do you mean?"

"I sense your guilt. It is …" - he was going to say illogical - "…not proper to bear such sentiments. That decision, and everything resulted from it, belongs to Spock. Including any potential outcome," he added with emphasis.

"I know that, Sarek, but I am his mother," she protested. "It is my job to protect him."

"Amanda, our son has completed his kahs'wan," he said slowly as if explaining for the first time something very important. "He can make an official claim in society. He can bond. He no longer needs our protection."

"But he's just seven years old!" she exclaimed. "Merely a baby…"

"Amanda. No, he is not," he repeated softly and nodded. "True, he is a child in need of parental guidance and advice. But do not confuse his age with his abilities. Spock can guarantee his survival. Our son can and did survive by himself at the Forge, thus was proclaimed worthy of his ancestors and in control of himself.

"In doing that, Spock chose his life path and has proven his strength, courage and value to his future mate and to our society, taking his place among the rest of his clan."

Sarek looked at her for a second before adding his next carefully chosen words.

"Spock is a child. But he is a Vulcan child, not a Human one. He chose his path. And thus must be judged with Vulcan criteria." His meaning was crystal clear and Amanda felt again that knot forming in her throat.

"He is not entirely…" she begun to protest once more before Sarek politely cut her.

"Indeed he is not entirely. But significantly. And most importantly, biologically. Biologically he is. And in my species, that single factor affects most of our choices."

Tired, both mentally and physically, Amanda decided for now to withdraw. She closed her eyes and again rested her head on his chest. There she remained, still in his embrace, breathing quietly. That single factor made all the difference. Because whatever they put at the other side of the scale - their wishes, their egos, their fears - nothing, absolutely nothing, would ever surpass the life of their only child whom, she especially had fought so hard to gain.

"Adun'a, I have a question to ask," Sarek continued in the same soft tone, expressing his distress through the bond. "Why did you close our bond and keep it shut for such an…" – he was going to say illogical again – "unusual amount of time?"

Feeling his pain, Amanda raised her head only to meet his serious, inquiring eyes.

She opened her mouth to reply but the answer hung there uncertain for a few seconds, before leaving her lips. "I wanted to think."

"About what?" he asked with a hardly disguised intensity while his eyes flashed. Her threat of leaving him was still hanging in the air, making it hard for him to breathe.

"If anything happened to Spock…"

"Nothing would. Nothing did."

"If! I said if... I sent him out there. I let him go. It was I, his mother, who did this. I endangered him."

"Amanda!" Sarek was shocked by the revelation of her train of thoughts.

"I allowed you to convince me that this ritual was necessary. But then the bond was closed," Amanda shivered. "And I found myself thinking, what if anything happens? There are so many evils out there and Spock is so small… He is only seven! Anything could go wrong."

"Nothing-"

"And I would be left with that void. That unbearable emptiness. And I hated you for it," she confessed while her voice cracked. "I felt betrayed. I gave you everything… Everything I have, all of me. And suddenly I was left with such a horrible void.

"How can you do this?" Amanda gasped and looked at him with eyes filled with agony. "How did you do this? How can anyone return to their normal lives feeling… nothing?"

"Adun'a, I myself taught Spock to survive any situation he could possibly encounter. All parents do. Accidents are extremely rare during the kahs'wan. And I would never send him out there if I was not completely certain of his success."

"And all this time you were so sure! You had such confidence in him," continued Amanda as if she had not heard a single word he uttered. "But I was not strong enough to overcome my fears. I, his mother."

"Ashayam-"

"So I thought… Could it be that my life choices were responsible for this? I let him go out there! I would be responsible for losing my baby." Amanda looked at him with dread in her eyes. "Does that make me a bad mother? But I only want what's best for him! I love him so much! But it was not enough!"

"Amanda that is enough!"

"You don't understand Sarek," Amanda said trembling as she recalled in her memory those ten days. "When Spock was out there, he didn't need someone to worry about him. He needed someone to believe in him. And I couldn't do it! My fear of losing him made me lose my faith in him. How could I do this to my baby? That's why I was angry with you, with myself… and with that ritual.

"And then I thought… you where the one with all the faith in Spock. I should be grateful, yet it didn't matter… Nothing mattered except that emptiness… That cruel, awful emptiness…

"But when I realized that…" Amanda hesitated and closely looked at his face, "I know why you had so much faith in him. It is because he chose Vulcan. You knew that he would come back because… so did you. You see Spock as a continuance of yourself. And not just who he is now, but who he will become in the future," Amanda sobbed. "And I didn't…"

"Enough!" Sarek said sternly and closed his embrace further by pulling his mate so that her body was attached to his.

He looked at her gloomy face, at her teary eyes, those strange light brown eyes, so much different from his own black ones. From the first moment he looked at them, he had known he would forever be a slave of those alien eyes.

There was sadness now in those beloved eyes, and the bond was filled with pain and regret which he needed to remove immediately. He lowered his head, contemplating. His bondmate was distressed and it was his duty to relieve her of her sorrow.

_Where did I handle this erroneously?_ _The bond?_ His mate had not experienced a parental bond, or any other mental connection, prior to their marriage. Their marital bond and later her linkage with Spock where the only mental attachments she had ever shared. Yet, Amanda knew that the healer would temporarily cut the bond. Logic dictated that she knew what to expect.

_The k__ahs'wan?_ Amanda was analytically informed of the ritual. He had explained in every detail its necessity, its history, and its benefits.

_Uncertain__ty… Fear…_ At that thought, the realization came almost instantly. _Of course… the Forge._

"Ashayam, the fault is entirely mine. It was a mistake from my part not to inform you or keep you updated during Spock's training. Since we have had already that unfortunate experience in the Forge, I concluded that you would be unwilling to share any further information in regards of the place. A faulty hypothesis on my part. I am confident that if you had come along during his training you would have seen for yourself that our son was ready to face any danger he could possibly encounter. Spock is an apt student and that would certainly have put your fears to rest.

"Traditionally, a child's training is the responsibility of the father or a close male relative. Female members of the clan are not involved, except when they choose to undertake the ritual themselves. For that reason, I failed to take into consideration your emotional need to be reassured about the effectiveness of Spock's training 'first hand' as you say."

He tilted his head. "It was I who, during the last months, neglected your emotional nature and uninitiated approach on this subject. Amanda… I apologize."

"You apologize?" asked Amanda, dumbfounded, and looked at him as if he had grown a second head. "But Sarek it was me-"

"And as for your claim that you are not strong enough to overcome your fears," Sarek sent her a soft mental scolding, "I do not know any other woman strong enough to bring to a successful end a pregnancy seven weeks longer than her body allows her." His eyebrows drew together. "To undergo so many medical treatments, in an environment of considerably higher gravity than for which her body is designed, merely to provide her bondmate with an offspring. To go through such an ordeal while the results were uncertain until the very last day."

His hand that rested on her thigh started caressing her affectionately and she felt his upset through the bond as he recalled those dangerous, difficult months in every detail… until the touch of their bodies had a side-effect.

"You no longer feel this way," he stated slowly, analyzing every word. Through their body contact he could tell that her emotions and feelings were no longer the same. Acknowledging these words, she shook her head. "What changed your opinion?" he asked puzzled.

"I thought long and hard, about all of this…" sighed Amanda, "after Spock returned. Then I remembered how he looked when he came back."

She looked at his face, studying the features of which Spock was a carbon copy. Her gaze traveled from his sharp ears to his jet black hair, his forehead, his eyebrows, his eyes, his nose, his mouth, and his broad shoulders.

"He didn't look at all like you. Or me. He was… gray, in everything. Everything on him… was gray, except his eyes. Those were… me. And then I realized that…" Amanda took a deep breath, "…no matter what happens, regardless of whom Spock resembles, that part of me will always remain unchanged. Even when I'm gone, all you will have to do is look into his eyes, and you'll always see me there."

It required a lifetime of strict discipline, self-control, and many years of exercising his skills in the savage diplomatic arena for the Vulcan who was one of the best ambassadors in the Federation to remain outwardly calm at that unexpected last statement. Regardless of its logic, since they both knew, and long ago had accepted, the fact that he would outlive her.

"When I realized that, I found peace," Amanda confessed and gave him a direct look.

"I will be honest with you Sarek," she said with a completely calm voice that for the first time frightened him. "I don't know what I would have done if our baby hadn't returned. But Spock did. And with that thought, I was happy. As long as my baby is well, so am I. As long as Spock is happy with his choices, regardless of what they are, I am happy too. But you, my dear adun…" Amanda hesitated.

"Would you accept Spock, if he had chosen… me?"

At that question his grip on her thigh momentarily tightened. But his firm grip felt insignificant in front of his mental upset. The wide-open bond, treacherous as always, kept nothing hidden between them.

_There it is again, that illogical bitter smile._

"See?" She shook her head. "Didn't even occur to you that that would be a possible choice?" Amanda's eyes widened at that revelation. "Oh, my God. You… didn't even consider that as a single possibility?"

"It is" - this time he would say it - "illogical to dwell upon a past event that can not be undone. Our son has made his choice. The only logical choice there was. Even you acknowledge that," he replied in a rigid tone underlying each word.

"That's not what I asked and you know it."

"I am quite aware of what you have asked. But taking into view Spock's biology and what his future… needs will be, which choice would you consider, not as logical, but as an absolute necessity? Our son needs a bondmate. It is our duty as his parents to ensure him in time a proper wife."

Frustrated Amanda opened her mouth to retaliate but her voice failed her as a dark image flew from her mind. Something forbidden and carefully concealed.

Something buried years ago.

Forgotten.

And yet… not so.

He caught her thought immediately and stumbled at the edge of his abysmal emotions.

_No!_

Sarek's eye pupils dilated and his voice came in protest inside her mind. His lips crashed against her trembling ones, removing the air from her lungs.

_Don't__ go there! _he screamed through the bond, and she embraced him both mentally and physically, offering him reassurance by enveloping him with all her affection.

_S__hhh… I love you. I am here. It's OK. All is well... I am here. We are one… We are one, _she comforted through the bond.

He broke the devouring kiss only upon realizing that his mate needed to breathe. But even then he didn't let her go. He pressed his head into her neck, breathing heavily, sniffing her intensely, savoring her sweet scent. His control was momentarily put to a test but it withheld. As Amanda's scent filled his nostrils, Sarek forced his muscles to relax. Because it was safe again. She was safe, in his arms. And so was he. And Spock. His family was safe.

"Amanda, Spock will need this," he said when he regained control. "Would you have him live without it? Without… this?" he asked sending her a demonstrative wave of affection. "No Vulcan man or woman can live without his bondmate's continuous soothing presence. It is comforting to our violent nature. It is essential for our well being. It is what we need in our life."

"No, of course not! Sarek! I wouldn't dream of depriving Spock of this. I, too, want him to find that feeling in his life. To share something so special, with someone who will be… one of a kind. Like our baby is," smiled Amanda but only for a moment as at the next words her lips stiffened.

"But I don't like that girl. I really don't." She shook her head while he held her tenderly. "Her mother looked down on Spock during the entire Kan-Telan." Amanda's expression hardened and her eyes flashed in anger. "And I bet I know what went on inside her head."

"Then we are fortunate that Spock is bonded with the daughter, not the mother." Ever since he'd begun to pursue a closer relationship with his wife, Sarek had learned the immeasurable value of "controversial humor" during difficult times. However this time he overestimated the situation.

"This isn't a joke, Sarek!" Amanda exploded and, furious, left his embrace. "And who the hell does she think she is anyway? Has she ever sent her child in the Forge? Spock is ten times better than her! He could do a lot better than… that… doll-face!"

Sarek's voice did not rise, but it came out sharp. "Amanda!" But then his gaze softened.

He, too, had noticed the woman's improper face during the ceremony. For a Vulcan, such a public display of emotions, even in the slightest degree, was shameful.

But he, S'chn T'gai Sarek, was a father, who had promised to raise his son better that that. Even in the face of unreasoning prejudice from his own species... he would raise Spock to be a better person, a more logical person, than any of them.

"T'Pring might be her mother's daughter but she is also her father's. And Soren is an old colleague and friend. I have known him for 41.7 years… approximately. I do not question his loyalty in the principles of Kol-Ut-Shan. And besides…" Sarek cupped his wife's chin and raised it until her eyes met his.

"Is it proper to judge a small child from one parent only? Spock is strong. He survived for ten days in the Forge without food or water. But his stamina and endurance do not come from you. Yes?"

Amanda nodded. And sighed. Sarek was right. Her feelings were clouding her judgment. "Yes… I just don't want her to think so little of our son. He already has troubles with his schoolmates."

"Which is precisely what he proved through the kahs'wan ritual. Amanda, our son not only rose to the challenge, but he succeeded at his first attempt. I do not think you have realized yet what Spock has accomplished. Some of these children have or will fail at their first attempt." Sarek stressed these words and shook his head. "Perhaps even… might not…"

"Don't say it! Don't!" She swallowed hard and shut her eyes tight. This was not something she wanted to relive…

Sarek again embraced his wife tenderly. Like a leaf, she trembled in his arms. "Don't do this to me again Sarek. I knew that living on Vulcan would be difficult. But this…" Amanda shook her head. "Don't you see? This is inhuman! Giving birth to a child only to lose it in some cruel traditional ritual? I cannot do this again. I cannot go through something like that. Ever. Again."

"Adun'a, that was the only ritual a male child is required to undertake. Nothing else."

In a final attempt to restore her spirits, he offered her a faint, private and extremely rare uplift of the edge of his mouth, his Vulcan equivalent of a smile. He knew that Amanda loved this rare gesture – claimed it made her "melt" - and could forgive him almost everything.

"I believe Human philosophy also believes that education is important?" They remained embraced and she choked up a chortle before rested her head on his shoulder.

She really found it awfully difficult to be angry with him when he smiled at her, even so faintly. How long has it been since the last time she had seen that smile? _Months… Not since…_ "Yes," she nodded and smiled back.

"So now all that remains for Spock is to complete his education." Sarek's mouth twitched. "His current teacher has high expectations from him. Our son might even enter the Science Academy."

Amanda's eyes flashed with pride. "Really? Well, that will show to that bitch…"

"Amanda!" Sarek's tone did not alarm her this time. Because she could see his amusement through their bond.

"What? She will be his mother-in-law. Can you imagine her?" Amanda changed her voice to a higher level and said in a mocking tone, "This is my son-in-law S'chn T'gai Spock, son of Sarek, son of Skon, from Surak's bloodline. He excelled in his kahs'wan and is a member of the VSA. But I believe our precious daughter could do soooo much better…"

Sarek's lips twitched and he made no attempt to disguise it. At times like this, he was grateful for his wife's spirit. And secretly considered himself very lucky… luckier than his friend Soren in that regard.

"Indeed."

But again Amanda's face became serious. Sadness crossed her features and she rubbed her eyes sighing. "I still think Spock could do better."

"I am quite aware of that. But you must not let Spock realize your negative emotions regarding his ko-kugalsu and her mother." He raised both his eyebrows. "Which he will be able to detect through your bond."

"I know that!" exclaimed Amanda. "God, Sarek! After all those years don't you trust me handling the bond?"

However at that time Sarek was tired of talking. His wife was in his arms and her strong body aroma from their previous activities was deliciously intoxicating. So he proceeded with the only logical alternative. First, a sizzling caress at his mate's neck...

"I trust you with my life, adun'a," he said feverishly. "And I do believe that you can handle the bond as well as any other Vulcan wife." Then a soft bite…

Instinctively, he begun purring and this opportunity did not escape Amanda. Sarek initiated sex. It was at this time that as a Vulcan male he was at his most vulnerable. Besides it was her turn to ask a question. And luck was said to be a fast running woman with long hair in the front while she was bald at the back of her head.

_When you see it, __grab it…_

So Amanda put forth all her will to resist Sarek's seducing caressing, and the way her betraying body responded to this, and decided to grab that chance...

"Sarek?"

"Purrr..."

"How did you choose T'Pring for Spock?"

* * *

Vulcan words (from VLD)

Ashayam: beloved

Adun: husband

Adun'a: wife

Kol-Ut-Shan: IDIC - Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations

Ko-kugalsu: fiancée

Kan-Telan: ceremony of child bonding

* * *

Chapter soundtrack:

Nina Gordon - Tonight and the Rest of My Life

Rufus Wainwright – Hallelujah

* * *

A/N: With the reference of "Den Lille Havfrue" I would to like to thank my readers, those from US, and those who - like me - are from outside US. This chapter is dedicated to all of you.

When I published my first story I knew that ST fans, including myself, are from all over the world. But honestly I never expected to see people from so many different countries, nations and cultures taking a glimpse at my simple story.

Of course the vast majority of the readers are from US, which is… logical. In US the idea of ST was born and flourished. Fans there kept the flame alive during very difficult times. They were the ones that demanded the revival of the TV series which resulted in the movies. Now ST lives long and prospers thanks to you. And for your efforts, we from all over the world, own you in US a big, huge, enormous THANK YOU.

However since I started posting I've also had readers from Africa, North and South America, Asia, Australia and Europe. I honestly was thrilled. Because I felt no longer that I was a lonely Greek Trekkie. And then I realized that truly people from all over the world – and it is a big world - share not only my love of the ST universe but as a result to that, a vision of a future for humans traveling among the stars, searching for the final frontier. But I believe that, even if we do find it out there, still we won't have discovered the limit of human spirit. Thank you.

As always your thoughts, comments and ideas are most welcome.


	9. and nothing but the truth

Disclaimer is in prologue. Letters in Italics represent people's inner thoughts or memories.

A/N: This chapter is the largest I've ever written. It is edited by both TeaOli and Aphrodite420. I would like to express my profound thanks to both ladies for their generous assistance.

This chapter and the next will answer all questions, complete secret half-thoughts and explain every motive.

Please, please consider leaving a review with your thoughts, likes or maybe dislikes. It may sound insignificant but it is true that reviews are especially helpful for writers to understand how readers view their story and most importantly if they share the writer's vision. In this story the previous chapter and this one were greatly improved by your questions, suggestions, PMs and reviews.

It doesn't matter if you are fluent in English or not. I promise that nothing will sound Greek to me.

**Various Shades of Gray**

**8****. ****...and nothing but the truth **

So it came one day when Sarek walked inside their house and, without any prior hint, declared he had made all the necessary arrangements in securing Spock a proper bondmate – all the details had been thoroughly arranged.

It was a couple of months after their son's sixth birthday. Ever since that day, Amanda had always been sure there was something else hidden underneath his decision.

Over the years the couple had discussed, thoroughly and exhaustingly, the burning issue. Children bonding… It consisted of one of the biggest and most fundamental differences between their disparate cultures.

Seven-year-old Earth children were playing baseball or football. They were cycling, hover-skating or playing with their flo-yos. Maybe playing hooky – but that was all. Certainly, they were not engaged through a mind-melt ceremony for their entire life.

A couple of times Amanda and Sarek had argued seriously. Always inside the walls of their bedchamber. Or at least Amanda was arguing. Sarek was discussing. Another one of their differences. Those nights a furious Amanda would turn her back on him and sleep without request or initiate any kind of physical contact. Sarek, always unsettled when his nocturnal routine was altered, would then withdraw into meditation to regain his composure. Strange how each morning found them curled in each other's embrace…

As a result of that, many months followed between peaceful talks and heated arguments that seemed endless.

Finally after taking into consideration numerous reasons - most of which were medical records and reports that sometimes made Amanda's head spin – they both reached the same conclusion. Or likely Sarek, once again, managed to convince her of his logic.

Spock had to be bonded following Vulcan tradition. Since his birth, and due to his unique heritage, their son was tested repeatedly by many healers who all confirmed the same thing. The Fires would not spare him. Spock was condemned to undergo the same mating behavior as his father and his Vulcan forefathers before him. A bondmate, who could sense his need, would one day save his life.

Sarek claimed that was the most logical choice. And although her husband followed Vulcan tradition with religious devotion, through their bond Amanda could tell that in fact it was necessity that guided his actions.

Nevertheless, Amanda expected that Sarek would discuss with her first all possible options and together they would reach a mutual agreement. Like they always did, up to that day.

Instead, that day her husband simply announced a female name, claimed as always it was the most logical choice, and... considered the matter closed. His unusual behavior left Amanda shocked and perplexed.

That day indicated the beginning of one of their most serious arguments. The temporary closing of the parental bond that followed tested the limits of their marriage.

"How did you choose T'Pring for Spock?"

Sarek stopped placing soft bites on his wife's shoulder and raised his head to look at her face.

"I believe I have already answered that question," he explained in his usual indifferent tone. "Naturally, she was a logical choice. Her father is an old friend. Their clan is honored and-"

"Bullshit. You can fool Spock with that answer Sarek, but not me. I can see right through you. It took me a while and, although I'm not able to… monitor your heartbeat or your blood pressure, I can sense when you are not entirely truthful."

Sarek tilted his chin. _I have offended him._

Her voice became softer and she offered him a smile. "I know you are not lying," she said, placed her hands on his shoulders and caressed him, flowing the bond with trust.

"I know that! But… why? Why her? What makes her an ideal mate for Spock?" Amanda's eyes were saddened and with a deep sigh she shook her head. "She will never love him."

"You do not know that."

_He is bitter__. Why?_

"OK! OK… I agree we don't know that. But isn't it… logical? Chances are… she will not."

"I am aware of those chances my wife."

Amanda gave Sarek her most pleading look. "Then?"

"May I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"Do you know how long my father searched to secure me a bondmate?"

Hearing that totally unexpected question, it was Amanda's turn to raise both eyebrows. She blinked in surprise and remained speechless for several seconds while recalled their one and only conversation on that topic. A conversation that took place ten years ago.

Sarek's first fiancée was a subject they had discussed only once, before their marriage and never again. Amanda could tell through the bond that it was an unwelcomed subject for him, one he had no wish to delve upon.

Unlike Earth, divorce was still a rare thing on Vulcan, and especially for the reasons the woman had pleaded. Not to mention that, among the planet's high society her husband was a prominent member, it was practically something unheard of.

Amanda's stomach felt uneasy; although she wasn't sure if that was caused by her emotions or it was enforced by Sarek's own discomfort.

"No."

"He did not. Ever since I was born, offers of suitable bondmates begun to arrive at our house. All my father did was simply to select the best option." Sarek's eyebrow rose as he focused his gaze on the opposite wall. Even his voice became clearly bitter. "And we all saw how that ended."

Alarmed Amanda watched her high-born Vulcan husband. She knew, through her marital bond, that Sarek and his first chosen mate were bound only by feelings of duty toward their clans and nothing else.

It was him who took the initiative and discussed his prior engagement before they were even bonded. Sarek had informed her back then that, although Amanda would be his first mate, she would be his second ko-kugalsu.

_It was the day __after she had accepted his marriage proposal and she had been literally walking on clouds… She was young and in love. She knew so little back then… _

_However Sarek, pragmatist as always, __that very next day discussed with her who his family was, their whereabouts and their clan history. He was so much more that a simple Ambassador negotiating Federation and trade agreements. _

_Very privately and confidentially__ he had revealed to her some of his species customary traditions. Things that Vulcans, a notoriously secretive species, keep on themselves. But Amanda was no longer an outsider. So Sarek, certain he had found his other half, confessed to her one of his most personal secrets._

_Tradition ruled on Vulcan. And l__ike the vast majority of Vulcan children, he too had been bonded at the age of seven. _

_Seven? Amanda originally thoug__ht this was his idea of a Vulcan joke. No, he assured her. It was a customary issue, he briefly explained. _

_He continued __describing to her his first ko-kugalsu, a seemingly perfect chosen mate. She had also been of the same society status. A high-born __princess, born and breed in a flawless Vulcan way. Back then, among their clans it had been considered a most suited match, politically and socially, between Vulcan's finest and most renowned youth. _

_At th__ese words and remembering her humble, crammed apartment, Amanda gulped. __Sarek ignored her reaction and __continued - cautiously. And true, it has been the most perfect match in everything, he admitted quietly. Except that fact that she, the most suited mate… left him after a short notice to pursue the kolinahr discipline. _

_What was that? Amanda asked. A__ strict training that purged all emotions; he explained and hesitantly resumed his narrative._

_But…__ before joining the rest of the students at Gol, she had requested the cessation of their bond. Which practically meant that she wished to divorce him._

_Really? Well… t__hat doesn't sound so bad, said Amanda. Indeed, was his answer, according to a Human perspective, it isn't. Then he looked at her intensely. That was the first time Amanda witnessed what later she would call 'a Vulcan almost sigh'. _

_Soon t__heir minds would be joined, he thought. Soon she will know his most intimate secrets… _

_Therefore Amanda was the first and only person in his life Sarek ever confessed that at the revelation of his former ko-kugalsu's intentions, he had… felt for the first time in his life… rejected. _

_He regarded the woman's choice to deny emotions instead of mastering them, as a direct rejection of his own emotions and needs. He regarded her request as a direct insult. Like the other masters of Gol, she could choose to maintain their bond and serve him only during his hour of need. _

_When __Sarek confronted her, he logically claimed that he had mastered his emotions and they had been bonded since childhood. They were one and logic dictated that she could and should master her emotions too. _

_Instead __the woman_ _persistently requested, and was finally granted, the right to sever the link that had united them since their early years. She claimed her request was logical as their bond would distract her learning and peace of mind. She was unwilling to attempt to reconcile his intense, yet firmly bound, emotions with her future path, sterile of all feelings. In short… she was unwilling to fight with herself for him. And chose the easy path. Divorce. _

_Sarek__, realizing that, logically had accepted. Because, in his eyes, having a reluctant bondmate was worse than not having a bondmate at all._

Amanda knew since that day that Sarek had not handle rejection well, basically because, being a typical Vulcan male, he was unfamiliar with it. His former ko-kugalsu had requested the divorce out of his Time without the need to declare kal-if-fee.

_Thank God for that_, Amanda sometimes thought and shivered at the alternative course the events could have taken.

Yet, regardless of that, and whether the woman's reasons were logical or not, Sarek's biology, his whole nature, screamed against it. Because for a male of his species, rejection meant death. Either a most painful and torturous or violent and bloody one. Theirs… or the rival challenger's. Taken from a Vulcan or a Human perspective, it was an outcome that equally terrified them both.

Amanda placed her hands on his face and turned his head toward her.

"Hey… I am right here." She smiled tenderly and Sarek looked upon her with eyes full of affection.

"Yes, you are," he whispered and swept her with a feeling of utter devotion so strong and powerful that Amanda gasped and almost wept.

Sarek was always fascinated by his mate's facial expressions when she experienced his deep emotions. Upon looking at her he couldn't stop thinking how the bond that united them at such times revealed their differences. During their conversation the emotions he sensed from her over the bond were also intense. Amanda was still upset…

_Uncertainty… Fear…__ Followed by… _

_Pain…_

Suddenly Sarek recalled the sharp pain he experienced when Skon, his honored father, had died. It was a loss sudden, unexpected and it… _Hurt? Yes, it did. So very much. _

Sarek delved into the depths of his infinite memory. There, buried deep, he located and retrieved two painful memories. He proceeded to separate the main event from the emotional pain it caused and isolated the latest. Then he emerged to the surface bringing both memories with him.

There, in the outer limits of his consciousness, he placed one emotion next to the other and carefully examined them.

First it was the loss of his father… Followed by the loss of his intended bondmate, in whose embrace, since childhood, Sarek believed that one day he would find solace and relief…

He measured their width, their extent, and calculated the weight each emotional wound had placed upon his soul. He saw their roots. Deep, wide roots that once upon a time had carved his soul and left deep marks there.

That was the moment Sarek came to realize the logic behind Amanda's bitter smile. He too smiled bitterly while he recalled his first view of that place. As a child his soul had been pure. Its surface had been smooth and untouched from all hurt, evil and pain.

Oh, there had been other scars too. How could there not be? But Sarek ignored them and focused his attention on these two.

Because both these deep emotional wounds had long healed.

The first wound was a logical loss; expected, but never welcomed. It had healed when he became a father himself. In the face of his newborn son Sarek had discovered not only the continuum of his honored clan but most importantly, the miracle of the life he had created, in each and every one of the small, soft breaths his infant son took.

The second had been a loss he once considered illogical and one of the most unpleasant experiences of his life.

_Isn't life unexpected and full of surprises?_ he wondered. Strange how over the years, he came to consider himself grateful for that scar. If he had not severed his first bond he would never had discovered his k'hat'n'dlawa in the form of an emotional alien female living on the surface of a humid planet. _An emotional bondmate!_ _Who would have thought?_

He hadn't thought about these scars for ten years. Because an alien smile had soothed that deep wound. A pair of light brown eyes had healed the pain of rejection. And a new bond had offered him completion.

Indeed he had managed to find all those sentiments he desperately sought, and so much more, in Amanda's alien, smiling expression and cool embrace. Acceptance for what he was, for his true self. And unconditional love… She had given him so much love, without requesting anything in return.

Over the years his mate did make a request. Only one. One that Sarek moved all of Heaven and Earth, or likely Sha-ka-ri and Vulcan, to have fulfilled. And Amanda's sole request was granted.

He was not with her when their son was born. Despite her wishes, an unscheduled session delayed him more than he had anticipated. His mate was not pleased and made it crystal clear upon his return to her side. He admitted his error and as always Amanda had forgiven him.

_As i__t is in my mate's nature to be not only giving but also forgiving. But… _

When his first ko-kugalsu asked for the resolution of their bond, Sarek had steeled himself against the event that would take place. He had meditated extensively. He knew what to expect.

The same was when the healer closed their parental bond with Spock. Amanda also knew what to expect. He had informed her extensively, as it was his duty. And his adun'a - unlike him – had never experienced the traumatic, abrupt cut of a parental bond.

_But… d__id__ the knowledge make any difference?_ Knowing or not, the pain was still the same. The emptiness hurt the same. The loneliness that remained was equally devastating. It took him only an instant to realize that, looking at the two deep, healed wounds.

Sarek blinked. The very next moment he looked upon Amanda with a new perspective. And for the first time he - finally - came to realize the deep emotional trauma he now shared with his seemingly imperfect Human wife.

No matter how prepared anyone was, the sudden feeling of emptiness and insecurity, which remained in the place where the bond used to be, could indeed stir the most illogical emotional responses.

_How can I jud__ge her for emotions I have also experienced myself?_

Indeed Amanda hurt him deeply. She threatened to leave him. It came as an unprecedented shock that shook him to his very core, considering the closeness of their union. Much to his shame, he had reacted… almost violently. Because he knew that she loved him. She loved him more than her life and many years ago she had promised never to leave him.

But on the other hand Sarek was not proud to remind himself of the first time he considered an off-planet diplomatic assignment. Immediately after his first bond was severed.

"So?" Amanda asked with those wide brown eyes, in all her Human innocence.

He took a deep breath.

_Why is he having such a __hard time answering that simple question?_

"Two months…" he said calmly and Amanda felt a menacing anger arise. Bottomless Vulcan anger rose only to succumb a split second later to his equally fierce control.

"Two months what?" she asked in blissful ignorance.

"Two months and four days is the exact amount of time I required to find a proper bondmate for Spock."

Amanda was unaware when Sarek had begun his search. And at this revelation she didn't know how to react. She blinked while considering his answer. "Oh, I see."

Sarek shook his head. "No, Amanda. You do not understand. My people respect me and trust me to represent Vulcan and its interests. Do you recall how the healer who came to silence our bond with Spock addressed me?"

"Well... uhhh…"

"Sarek of Vulcan. The blood running in my veins is of the noblest clan on the entire planet. Yet when it came to securing my son's life…" Sarek's voice became bitter and cold, "it required an accidental meeting with Soren outside the Academy to find a proper bondmate for my son. My son. My son in whose veins runs the same blood as mine."

Amanda bit her inside lip and lowered her head while a feeling of grief flooded her. _Spock… Blood… The Fires…_

This time she was cautious, as she did not wish to upset Sarek again. Her Vulcan husband always respected her privacy. Therefore, silently and carefully, Amanda muted the bond. Because she recalled again… what had been a dreadful day. That painful day… that scared them both deeply. The dark image once more flew from her mind.

It was… Sarek. Her beloved, calm and so controlled husband being completely out of his mind. A sight Amanda had witnessed again two more times during their nine-year marriage.

_They were married only for two months when his Time came prematurely due to Earth's lesser gravity… or the planet's moon. The healers were not certain. It was not due for another year. __She and Sarek had talked about this over and over again. After her insistence he was forced to overcome his discomfort and tell her everything he knew. Upon their arrival on Vulcan a bicentennial healer talked with her, and began to teach her how __she__ would control his mind, when __Sarek__ would lose all contact with reality. _

_A mantra was all it took. _

_Just a song? __Amanda __naively had laughed at this. _

_Seeing the aged man looking at her with a hint of disapproval, Amanda coughed, quickly regained her composure and straightened her smile. The __elder Vulcan__ raised an unfavourable eyebrow but continued in a neutral tone. _

_An ancient song, he explained through a trembling voice, before the time of Surak. If sung through the bond, in its proper tone, it matches the male's heartbeat and __brainwaves. That guides the male into a__ rhythm. Moving rhythm, he clarified and __looked__ at her __directly and fixedly__. Amanda, married for just two months, felt her cheeks turn very, very red. A rhythm which, through the bond, you will control, he said, insensitive of her facial reaction. _

_Me? Amanda __blinked, dumbfounded. _

_Naturally, __was the healer's response. You will be the one free of the fever. Your mate will not think rationally, as his thoughts will be clouded. You will control. You will estimate what his needs will be and how they will be best served. Through the bond you will monitor your mate's condition and the progression of the fever, its peaks and its lows. Thus you will be responsible for your mate's survival. Now, repeat after me… And mind the tone! _

_But that knowledge was not enough. It was too soon._

_His thoughts were so chaotic… __Uncontrolled… He was suffering! There was only one thing on his mind. And as Sarek violently entered her body, she barely managed to enter his mind. There she found herself fighting with enormous waves of a burning pain mingled with lust that created a tempest of emotions. _

_Her young and untrained mind couldn't hold his. __Inside Sarek's vast and uncontrolled mind, she felt fear… She was so afraid and lost in the face of such mayhem. Amanda lost her balance, her composure and… the link. _

_Conf__ronting the__ mating frenzy__ for the first time__, taken roughly beyond her endurance, and unable to reestablish their link, a terrified __Amanda Grayson forgot the healer's teachings and reacted like a human in torment. And did what every human would do. _

_She pleaded __for Sarek to slow down. She cried. Yet Sarek remained insensitive to all her words and tears. Then Amanda screamed and shouted but to no avail, for the only sounds her husband heard was the unleashed fever in his mind. That went on and on… until she lost consciousness. _

_Amanda awoke two days later unable to feel any __physical pain. Her bruised body was filled with enough painkillers to put down an enraged lematya. _

_Sh__e remembered clearly her awakening, how could she forget?_

_Daniel was there, smiling reassuringly as always. After the Human physician introduced himself, he checked her mental responses and then gave her a small briefing of all her internal and external wounds. A few broken bones__, including a cracked pelvis, were already welded. It would take approximately ten days for her bones to fully absorb the infused materials. It would take twenty to twenty-five days for her internal wounds to heal. _

_All would heal. __She would heal. Yet Amanda heard nothing of this. Nothing mattered except what was coming through their bond. _

_Oh, Sarek… My poor Sarek…__ she thought, looking at him._

_Her __Vulcan husband stood at the other side of the room, looking down at her. His position was straight as always. His face was blank of all emotions. The depth of his emotions and the devastating guilt coming from the bond were immeasurable. Amanda felt such a pain clutch her heart that her fingers unintentionally grabbed the sheets. _

_No! Amanda screamed through the bond__, remembering his pain, his burning need. Tears formed in her eyes but she blinked them away. After her initial shock - and free from feeling any pain herself - Amanda concentrated on his pain and grief, flowing in massive waves from the bond. How was it possible? How could he stand so much pain and still maintain his stoic composure? _

_The fierce feeling of possessiveness__ that overwhelmed her at that moment sometimes surprised even herself. There was no way in hell she was going to let him perish in such agony. He was hers and hers alone. And she would do anything to keep him. _

_True, n__obody deserved this. No one had to endure it.__ Yet she did it for him, to save his life. And she would do it again. And again. And again. No matter how many times it would take. _

_That was the moment when Amanda__ Grayson's honeymoon ended and the rest of her life begun. And she made a promise to herself and to Sarek at that moment. _

_Amanda swore that as long as she lived and breathe__d she would never abandon him to perish in these burning throes. It was inhuman. Even the thought of losing him was paralysing. _

_It was a promise__ that, like most promises taken with a blurry vision, she almost failed nine years later. She did threaten to leave him. She almost did. _

_Indeed how little she knew back then… _

At that difficult time another memory came. One that Amanda treasured deep in her heart and secretly pulled it out from time to time to retrieve strength.

Three years later they managed better. _Considerably better,_ Amanda thought and smiled. Her mental control had improved. Their frequent mind melds provided enough practice, and to both their relief, she was able to… withstand him. Sarek's two following Times left her only with bruises and bite marks… _among other benefits._ _Not bad at all for a weak, psi-null Human… Not bad at all…_ she thought with a crooked smile.

Why did she remember all that now? Because something unexpected happened over the years that Amanda, being human, had not anticipated. And it began haunting her during many sleepless nights. Another image had come. One of an ominous prophecy that was yet to be fulfilled.

Her only son, a small innocent child, having to pass that fierce biological tempest, which once almost threatened her own life. And a series of unanswered questions rose.

_What woman __will embrace him? Will she be willing to quench his Fires? Satisfy his burning Need? Will she offer herself to him to save his life?_ Persistent fearsome thoughts entered her mind and never went away.

Even now, seven years after his birth, Amanda knew that Spock was considered a weak emotional half-human among his pure blooded Vulcan schoolmates_. To hell with tradition, _she concluded as the time of the decision, Spock's seventh birthday and the kahs'wan ritual approached. Tradition or not, those unanswered questions were the only reason she had assented to Spock's bonding.

"Oh, Sarek!" she sighed. "The fault is mine. If… we weren't-"

"No! I will not have you blaming yourself only because my people claim to follow the principles of Kol-Ut-Shan, instead of actually following them!"

"But surely some good candidates were found…"

"Of course there were," he said quietly, quickly regaining his control. "But not from our level in society. My mother is an important government member, Amanda. I represent Vulcan. Perhaps one day Spock will be called as well to serve our people. The choice of his bondmate is serious. Her bloodline must be venerable. And although Soren's clan is not old like ours, they are noble nevertheless.

"Amanda, Soren is more than just a believer of Kol-Ut-Shan. Like myself, he applies its principles in his everyday life. His daughter was truly the best logical choice." Sarek gently caressed his wife's hair. "A choice for which I am grateful."

Amanda looked into his eyes and realization dawned. "I'm sorry Sarek," she whispered.

"For what?"

"For yelling at you… and for our fight."

"There is nothing to forgive, Amanda. You are not responsible for your nature any more than I am responsible for mine. Your feelings are… most accepted."

"I love you," she said with trembling lips.

"Taluhk nash-veh k'dular," was his softly reply.

"But that doesn't change the fact that she might not love him."

"Perhaps not. Perhaps she will. Either way… Spock is safe."

"Safe? Oh Sarek, surely! Please… Please let's not think right now what might – might! - happen in thirty years," Amanda said faintly while rubbing her temples with both her hands. This conversation was bringing her another major headache…

"Adun'a, it is confirmed by every healer that examined Spock. They all agreed." Sarek's shoulders tensed. "I will not lose my son in the Fires of his Time." He hesitated. "And…"

Amanda wondered… It was so unlikely for Sarek to hesitate. "…And?"

"And… I do not wish… my son to… know the… pain of hurting a beloved bondmate."

"Oh, for heaven's sake, Sarek!" Amanda exclaimed furiously and left his embrace, waving her hands.

"That was nine years ago! Nine! I was practically another person at that time! I couldn't even pronounce your clan name correctly! It was a one-time thing! Something ill-timed! Why can't you just let it go?"

"That does not change the fact that I… hurt… you, Amanda. And as you know my memory is perfect. I can not 'let go'."

"It was an accident! It was just bad timing and nothing else! You didn't mean it! My God, you had no control over it! You were going to die! We agreed to forget it and move on! I accepted it and let it go! And I am fine. Why can't you? A few broken bones that healed-"

"The servants heard you screaming and pleading for eight point seven hours before losing consciousness." Sarek shivered at the memory that wasn't his own… "It took you an entire month to heal. You nearly lost the ability to procreate. Sometimes… I wish someone would come in with a phaser and stun me."

"So that you would die from the shock?" Amanda hissed. "I swear to God if I ever hear you repeat that, I'll slap you again. You said so yourself, none of us is responsible for our nature. It's not your fault your cycle's changed after traveling off planet! Coming here, my cycle changed too! Sarek, please look at me! Look at me! I love you!"

What followed next was exactly what Amanda feared when she muted the bond. The same thing happened every single time. Despite her pleas, her Vulcan husband kept his gaze nailed on the sheets, unable to meet his wife's face. All of a sudden the bond was filled with enormous waves of guilt that shook the very foundations of their souls.

_I have to distract him!_

Amanda clenched her fists and gnashed her teeth in anger. Then immediately exhaled and forced herself to calm down. _Vulcan lesson 1.1 Mandy. It's unnatural for a Vulcan to hurt his bondmate._ As a result, every time Sarek recalled that single event he succumbed to such an amount of guilt, Amanda felt their bond vibrating rapidly – like a powerful earthquake hitting them both from inside.

_Damn Vulcan emotions! W__hy do they have to be so intense? _But she would bring him out of this state. She always did.

"Besides," Amanda's smile was full of feminine sweetness, "now we are fine," she sung in a playful tone and lightly caressed his cheeks and his lips with her index and middle fingers. An extremely suggestive gesture among bondmates.

"All I have to do is keep us linked together and chant that ancient song in both our minds. It's as simple as that. What's the worst thing that can happen, huh?" She licked her lips, raised an eyebrow and smiled in her most seductive look. "You know? I kind of like the biting part… And you are so… feverish…"

She embraced him and started kissing softly and licking his sensitive ears… _That will do it…_ But next thing she knew, Sarek slowly removed her hands and looked at her.

_Damn Vulcan control!_

"Two years ago I broke your wrist," he said quietly.

"Cracked, not broken! It was just a minor crack! And yes, I know, Sarek! I was there, remember?" Amanda smiled and mockingly waved her left hand in front of his face. "The painkillers were exactly where we put them, under my pillow. And on my nightstand. And under the bed. And on the couch. We had placed them everywhere!" Amanda laughed. "I'm pretty sure you remember that! … What? Don't tell me you are still thinking about it? I already told you - it was an accident. Why don't you take my word for it?"

"Because I am many times stronger than you, Amanda. And I know that you could lie so that you would not cause me… sentiments of guilt."

"It was an accident! I'm sorry!"

Sarek's eyebrows drew together. "Why do you apologize? It was I who broke your wrist."

_D__… Damn! _

"Amanda?"

The sight of his wife staring at him and holding her breath alarmed Sarek. Their link from her side was again reduced to a low hum.

"K'diwa?" he asked when Amanda exhaled slowly. His mate faced him with a blank expression that was completely unprecedented. Years of training in the proper Vulcan etiquette - finally - paid off. Sarek observed her serious face and wondered…

That was not the beaming face of the woman who caused him such intense emotions the first time he set his eyes on her. That was not the warm face of the woman he married. That was not the loving face of the woman who gifted him a son and heir. _What…?_

"My wife, explain!"

* * *

Vulcan words (from VLD)

Adun'a: wife

Ko-kugalsu: fiancée

Kal-if-fee: challenge

K'diwa: beloved

K'hat'n'dlawa: half of each other's heart & soul

Kol-Ut-Shan: IDIC - Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations

Sha-ka-ri: Heaven

Taluhk nash-veh k'dular: I cherish thee

Human words

Flo-yo: floating disk (a toy mentioned in the ST2009 movie's novel adaptation)

* * *

Chapter soundtrack

Morrissey & Siouxsie - Interlude

John Denver & Placido Domingo - Perhaps Love

A/N: As always your thoughts, comments and ideas are most welcome.


	10. Fear and Faith

Disclaimer is in prologue. Letters in Italics represent people's inner thoughts.

This chapter is edited by TeaOli, who I can never thank enough for her patience and assistance. As I have the terrible habit to make last minute changes, all remaining mistakes are mine.

**Various Shades of Gray**

**9. Fear and Faith**

"Oh Sarek, I didn't meant to. It really, really was an accident," Amanda whispered as fast as she could. Her husband observed her as she dropped the Vulcan mask and guilt was written all over her face.

"What. Was. An accident?" he asked with an eerie calm voice and Amanda suddenly was extremely grateful for his Vulcan control. However, and despite of that, she still hesitated at the next words.

"I… accidentally! I swear! … tickled you." Her voice came out as a single whisper and she dreaded Sarek's reaction.

"…what?..." he asked questioning for two entire illogical seconds his own hearing.

Amanda took a deep breath, straightened her shoulders and decided to face him directly_. Exactly why am I apologizing? What's done is done._ _What's he gonna do? Shoot me?_

"Well, you were on top and I was lying-"

"You... tickled me? While I was... deep in plak'tow? Do you realize what could have happened if I mistook your action as aggressive?" For two point six seconds, Sarek felt his hands and feet go numb from the shock before he managed to control the intense physical reaction. The 'what if' possible outcomes he could calculate within the next seconds were terrifying.

_Attack is the best defense Mandy__,_ she thought and calmly stated, "You are dramatic." Sarek's eyebrows shot up into his hairline as he found himself struggling with a sudden rush of blood to his head that hindered his vision.

"I am several times stronger than you, perfectly capable of causing you serious damage – which is already proven – I was out of control, and yet you claim I am 'dramatic'? Are you utterly illogical?" Sarek hissed in an ice-cold voice.

"First of all, let me repeat that. It. Was. An. Accident!" Amanda shouted back. "My hand – accidentally! – touched your ribs." Sarek simply sat on the bed looking at her, petrified, which gave Amanda a feeling of self-confidence. Determined, she took another deep breath.

"I swear I didn't break our link for a single second. And I didn't stop the mantra either," she assured him and nervously chewed her lower lip. When Amanda was nervous she always chewed her lips. Because for the last two years she had a big secret. The memory of what that accidental incident provoked was something which until today she had kept to herself. For two whole years she had managed to hide it even from Sarek. But now the time had come to share that beloved memory she'd secretly treasured with the only other person involved.

She smiled shyly, coughed and cleared her voice. "Your response to my accidental touch was… ahem… unexpected. You started laughing," she whispered and looked at his face. Her eyes filled with tears and her voice cracked with emotion. "I'd never seen you laugh before. You were beautiful."

It took him the unusual period of five point four seconds to form a proper response.

"I believe for males the correct term is 'handsome'," he stated quietly trying to process the newly acquired information.

Suddenly Amanda started laughing and crying simultaneously with such intensity her entire body began shaking. Sarek reached out and effortlessly took her in his arms once again. He did not detect any feeling of sorrow through the bond. He concluded, because of the revelation and the emotional burden that accompanied it, that her unusual emotional reaction was not due to sadness, but rather one of relief.

For a moment he remained uncertain how to react. The only other time he knew Amanda to have had a similar reaction was the day Spock was born. And he was not with her when she first embraced their son. _Laughter and crying, joy and pain,_ _twin siblings… _he contemplated and decided to proceed in a dual way. Therefore this time apart from the bond he also caressed his mate's face and hair. It was logical. He knew that his touch always soothed her. Sarek of Vulcan sighed audibly, which was a rare sign of his emotional state.

"Then what happened?" he murmured tenderly while kissing her cheek as Amanda's sobs started to fade away.

"Oh, let me see… You hadn't finished yet, so I'd had a couple more orgasms," Amanda laughed and swept the tears from her eyes, "and then… you finished and… I thought… well, after that you climaxed and stopped moving, but you were still inside of me, so I… I… decided to… ummm… take another chance. So I tickled you again. You just looked at me and laughed! Looks like you're ticklish... Good God! Do you know how difficult it is to do that, while maintaining our link and chanting at the same time?" she laughed again while wiping tears away.

"I can imagine," he answered softly.

"Anyway," Amanda sighed with a trembling smile and raised her shoulders, "for some time it was like a silly game. You know… you were on top and I touched your sides a little, you laughed, and then I touched you again… You looked so happy! I could tell from the bond that you were happy but… for a few minutes I could also see it with my own very eyes… You looked so genuinely happy. So handsomely happy," she recalled with a beaming, longing smile. "After a while, you decided you'd had too much fun…"

"Indeed? I do not recall anybody ever again accusing me of having too much fun."

Her tears had not stopped flowing yet now Amanda burst out laughing. She was grateful to Sarek for his… logical reaction. Yet, despite her laughter, she continued, somehow serious. "You grew tired and wanted to try something different. Than was when you pushed my hand away a little abruptly and flipped me over."

Sarek seized her by the shoulders and threw her a piercing look. "Did I hurt you in any other way?" he asked alarmed.

Amanda shook her head and answered in her most serious tone. "Of course not. Sarek, no! No! You did not! All you were interested was my body. Just like every other time. Besides, the hypo was near by. I injected myself with the painkiller immediately. And I did that without losing our link or stopping the mantra either." She smirked. "I'd say I did a very good job. And after that… " she looked at him suggestively; "…we both had too much fun."

A feeling of utter relief beyond words swept Sarek following the knowledge that he had not hurt his beloved adun'a during their feverish mating. Yet in spite of her assurance, the recent revelation worried him.

"Ashayam."

She looked down ashamed and shook her head regretfully. "I know... I shouldn't."

"Look at me," Sarek pleaded. Amanda raised her head and looked at him with sparkling eyes. Her lower lip began trembling again.

"You are important to me. You make me want to live… not simply to exist. You and Spock are the reason I have hope for the future. You are all my reasons." And in those words Amanda recalled immediately a caress she gave him with a bruised hand. She had used the exact same phrase two years ago.

"I'm sorry I said I'll leave you," she said and burst into tears. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"

"And I apologize for causing you pain," he said and she hugged him tight. Sarek put his arms around her in a steel embrace. Then he inhaled. Lustily he filled his nostrils with her scent. Repeatedly. Demandingly. Irrationally. "Amanda. I do not wish to hurt you ever again," he whispered hoarsely.

"I'll be more careful, I promise," her voice cracked.

"No," he shook his head. "No, Amanda. You do not understand." He pulled her out of his embrace, caught her by the shoulders and looked at her intensely. "I do not want you to do that ever again. It is dangerous. I cracked your wrist when I simply pushed your hand," he shivered. "Do you realize what could have happened if I… assaulted you?"

"You did." Amanda's smile beamed while her eyes shone full with tears. She sent him a mental image of the ravishment that followed. An image that caused Sarek to blush to the roots of his hair. They started engaging in an anal form of copulation after his first Time, so as to ensure he would not hurt her again. _Well at least it served its purpose… _he thought relieved, though considerably embarrassed. It was never easy for him to see himself in the throes of his Time through her eyes. His feverish behavior was inconsistent with the image he had for himself.

"I told you we had fun." Seeing his unconvinced expression she continued. "And it wasn't just that. This Time I even managed to go to the bathroom, twice!" Amanda said triumphantly. Sarek raised an eyebrow and gave her a doubting look. "Well… we went together… Oh, OK! I convinced you to carry me there... But Sarek, I did it! I really, really did it!"

Seeing a gulp forming in his throat, Amanda knew what her Vulcan husband was thinking. Sarek was analyzing her words and trying to estimate every possible outcome. Her heart was filled not with just love but more importantly with sorrow for everything he had to endure simply because he was who he was. Why did he have to suffer? He hadn't chosen to born Vulcan. Yet, because of his biology, he suffered a tremendous torment. Seeing him in pain, and at the same time thinking of her son's same fate, was her life's biggest agony. All she ever wanted was to drive the pain away.

She reached out and caressed his shoulders and cheeks trying to soothe him physically but also mentally from their bond. "Oh, Sarek, I know that you can't control it and that it frightens you more that anything else. But really… It's just sex. A little bumpy maybe…" She paused a moment, then as if speaking to herself, said, "Very, very bumpy, but still I am always ther-" Amanda froze at the piercing look Sarek gave her.

Her husband watched her in disbelief. How was it possible that, after all these years, she still saw this as a simple carnal act? Couldn't she see through their bond? Hadn't three Times taught her anything?

"No, Amanda it is not. The mating time is not about sex. It is about survival. And at that time I am not interested in playing childish games. I am interested in mating. It is as simple as that. You do not know how high the Fires burn." Sarek shivered again at the painful memory and even looked regretful. "My own body, my blood is betraying me. I lose the most important aspect of myself, my logic. I lose my judgment, I lose myself… Can you imagine if your emotions were stripped from you?"

At this question Amanda saw red. This was unfair and uneven! Besides, after living on his planet, among his people for nine years, she could perfectly understand.

"Sarek, you can accuse me of many things, but you can't accuse me of not understanding you. I do know! Because I'm right there inside your mind. Even when you are not yourself, I'm right there! Feeling your desires. Serving your needs, whatever they may be. Keeping your off-the-charts chemical imbalance as low as possible until the fever subsides. That's what the bond is all about. That is its necessity. I know I'm not Vulcan but have you ever thought that as an outsider my opinion isn't as prejudiced as yours? And having managed to keep you alive three times I believe at least I am entitled to a valid opinion!"

"..."

"What?"

"Your… logic is sound, my wife. I am pleased you were not a member of the Terran delegation that negotiated our trade agreements."

Now it was Amanda's turn to be speechless. She blinked as if awaking from a dream. Sarek congratulated her for her logic? This was such a rare moment. "Thank you," she mumbled.

"However your logic has one flaw."

Defiantly Amanda raised her chin. _I can do this…_ "Shoot."

"How can you ensure that in the future I will not harm you again?"

_Damn. He is good._

"Thank you."

"Hey! Get out of my head!" she yelled mockingly and hit him in the chest with her fist.

"I… apologize," Sarek said startled and his ears flushed a pale shade of green. "That was completely unintentional," he ashamedly admitted.

_He is such a baby sometimes_, Amanda thought and smiled. "I know," she said and her fist became a gentle caress. "Skin to skin contact always does that."

"Indeed. And our recent lack of physical proximity was proven to be most unsettling." Sarek's gaze traveled shamelessly all over her naked body while his right hand started caressing her extremely low in her back. Then his left hand sitting on her thigh moved to follow the warm trail between her…

"Oh, no you won't! You will not change the subject!"

Swiftly she removed herself from his embrace and sat on his right calf. _Baby my foot! _Amanda thought, alarmed. She had to distance herself from his seductive body. The fact that they were having this intimate conversation naked on their bed was not helping at all her ability to perform coherent arguments or form any decent thoughts.

_Odd how such__ a fragile figure possesses such vigor,_ he thought, amused, watching her resistant form.

Amanda pushed her hair away from her face and straightened herself. She placed both her hands on his knee and faced him with a determined look. "Sarek… things are not always black or white. I realized that during the last three months."

He tilted his head curious. "Specify."

"The day I got the panic attack. Do you remember what you told me that day? You said that Spock will return because he has your blood and my will. And he did. Our baby… He did return to us."

Sarek remembered every single detail of that day. And not because of his eidetic memory. "I remember that statement."

"Sometimes… things mix a little. A little white, a little black..." she smiled softly "…a little Vulcan, a little Human. And from that mix sometimes… extraordinary things happen. Things like… a baby sleeping three rooms down the corridor." Amanda shook her head and her eyes sparkled with tears. "A baby that grows so fast."

"Indeed. Last time I checked him he was not a baby, but a little child."

"Not so little any more, I'm afraid. Haven't you heard?" she whispered and smiled conspiratorially. "He is bonded now."

"Certain… rumors have succeeded in successfully reaching my ears," he replied while his eyes shone.

Amanda gasped. Not another reference to her small ears! It was… what? The seventh million? And he was tinkling her through the bond! When was he gonna stop teasing her for her round ears and grow up? Amanda fumed and her eyes narrowed while she looked straight into his face. "I swear Spock's crocked sense of humor is not from my side," she said and shook her head, sending him a mental reprimand.

"My wife, I refuse to remain here and get insulted," he protested in his finest ambassadorial Vulcan dignity. "I prefer to return to my room."

"Oh. My. God!" she exclaimed and pointed her index finger at him. "You sir, are afraid that you are losing our argument," she said as if not believing her own words.

"I was unaware we were arguing," Sarek replied in his most innocent tone.

"I was going to prove to you that you will not hurt me again during a Time. Ever. And we could also… enjoy ourselves at the same time," she said with a mischievous smile.

"I believed that, so far, you failed to provide me with a satisfactory answer."

"First of all, aren't three successful Times a proof?"

Sarek's gaze darkened. "Two Times. Minus a broken wrist."

"Oh, you can be such a fussy!" Amanda moaned.

"Thank you."

"Hmmm… I'm gonna spare you the 'thank you' just this time…" Amanda looked him warily and bit her lips. Vulcans never talked about Pon Farr, not even amongst themselves. Instead of seeing the Time of Mating for what it truly was, an emerging of the primitive side each species in their universe has, they were ashamed and chose to cloak it with rituals dating back thousands of years. In her human eyes it stood as a paradox that even her own husband fell prey to.

She recalled his discomfort from the moment she had said 'I do'. Before they were married, Sarek embarrassedly arranged for her to talk with a Healer at the Vulcan Embassy on Earth. After their marriage and relocation to Vulcan, she had begun private lessons with another Healer. Now, as she sat on his calf, she knew that, regardless of her perspective, her husband for nine years would find this uncomfortable, to say the least. However, after all the talk that preceded, this was a conversation they simply couldn't avoid. So Amanda chose a direct approach. It would be quicker and save him from the embarrassment. "Sarek, do you know the cycles of mating during the plak'tow?" she asked.

Sarek's eyebrows ejected again. "Amanda plak'tow is mating. There are no cycles."

"Aha!" _I got him now!_ "Guess again!" she said with an evil grin. "I hate to spoil your illusion but I have some news for you, my very Vulcan husband. You see during the plak'tow occasionally you also need to rest. Yes, these intervals are short but there are intervals nevertheless. Sarek, last Time I counted eight breaks during the first day and fourteen on the second."

"I am aware of those… interludes my wife," he nodded and shifted uncomfortably. Such a conversation between them was completely unprecedented. "I… have been told that the fever rises and subsides numerous times while my hormone levels are unstable. But, in general, they remain at an extremely high level. For that reason, I have no memories and do not regain consciousness until after the fever breaks."

"Well, couldn't we use these intervals to… relax a little? It will do you good!" she insisted and gave him an almost begging look. "I could tell from last Time you were less tense, less stiff after that." But Sarek's expression made Amanda realize he was not convinced yet. So she decided it was time to pull her last card…

"Sarek, I'm not Vulcan and I'm sure you're quite aware of that by now. Also, I'd like to remind you that our bond has me on the edge during your Time, as well. I cannot sleep, either! I assure you, I can handle a headache in the size of a shuttle! What I cannot do is lay on my back with my legs wide open while chanting and pretend nothing is happening! It is boring! I want to participate! And… And… And… And I want to see that smile again!" _There! I've said it! _She thought and released a breath she didn't realize she held.

Seeing the seriousness, both in his wife's face but also through their bond, Sarek realized that this was not an illogical request she had come up with a few seconds ago. She had thought of this repeatedly over an extensive amount of time, and Sarek became alarmed. This was dangerous ground his Human wife walked on…

"You know that I love you, just as you are," she said with a firm voice. "But that smile was… It was out of my control," she admitted and looked around the room as if trying to escape from the memory. Then she looked at his serious face again. "Not even in my wildest dreams would I think of you smiling. And suddenly… there you were, still inside of me and smiling! I was half out of my mind! I was chanting and focused on the bond; in spite of – I assure you – a huge orgasm! And all of a sudden I came face to face with you smiling! I couldn't ignore it. I just couldn't!" Amanda cried and shook her head.

"Anyway, aren't Vulcan women supposed to go through that fever as well? I wonder how much control they have at times like this? And what would you do if you had to stay passive while I had my way with you? Getting one orgasm after another and doing absolutely nothing except chanting? For two whole damn days!" Amanda exploded and Sarek felt her heartbeat elevate as these secret thoughts left her lips for the first time.

"Amanda, I am aware you are not Vulcan. However, I am not sure if you have realized that as well. You are fragile. I cannot risk that."

"I know my strength is no match for yours," Amanda said in all her seriousness. "Sarek, I'm not suicidal and I have no death-wish. I don't like it when my bones are broken. And, more importantly, I don't like to see in your eyes the pain of hurting me. I love you so much – I would never intentionally hurt you or Spock. You know that! The only reason I am saying all this is because now, after three Times, I am totally confident that we can do it. Things are not always black or white. They don't have to be. We can work this out, like we did all those years. Step by step. It can work. Spock is the living proof. Together we can do it."

"I cannot risk hurting you, Amanda. Never again."

"You will not! You told me to have faith when Spock was out in the Forge. Can't you also have faith in me? I can do this! We can do this!"

"You ask too much, Amanda." Sarek's voice was at the most emotional level she had ever heard. They both realized that this conversation was clearly testing his limits.

"I will be careful… I will not do anything foolish," she promised, pleading. "If I see that you are not in a mood I won't attempt anything, I swear! Your… emotional behavior during the plak'tow must have a logical reason, right?" she asked hesitantly and gulped. The only reason she had never told him all this, was that Amanda knew too well that even the mention of the words 'you' and 'emotion' in the same sentence were seriously offending him.

_There it is again… his __'almost sigh'… _

Sarek raised his chin. "It is part of my species' biology," he said. Sometimes things were… that simple.

Amanda looked at him with begging eyes. "So? … All I'm asking is for a glimpse of what's already there..."

At that moment a fierce battle took place within Sarek. Fear. Fear for the life of his beloved adun'a, for his own, for breaking centuries of tradition. And faith. Faith in himself, in his wife, in their future together.

_This evening indeed was proven difficult. More difficult than I anticipated, _he thought. The 'what if' scenarios, that formed unwillingly in his mind, were chilling the blood in his veins.

Sarek now understood why Amanda suffered an emotional 'panic attack' during their son's kahs'wan. _Uncertainty… Fear… Faith… _suddenly were more that simple words. They became alive and buzzed inside his mind, haunting his katra. He was uncertain how he would react himself without practicing strict control during his entire life.

"I cannot provide now an answer ashayam. I need to meditate," he solemnly replied.

Amanda smiled. She smiled with difficulty, yet she smiled nevertheless. Such a warm, small, familiar smile. "OK," was all she said and nodded. Sometimes things were… that simple.

Slowly, Amanda moved again inside his embrace and straddled his legs while looking at his face. Sarek quietly moved his body so as to facilitate her movements. He looked at her lips, full and promising pleasures once unimaginable. Those soft, tempting lips were his own personal haven. His right hand reached out and caressed them lightly.

Amanda closed her eyes and savored the feeling of his seductive touch. She worshiped these fingers, long and slender. When they were inside her, she forgot even her own name while her existence was hanging at the edge of these fingertips. She opened her mouth and welcomed his warm fingers one by one, offering a wet shelter to the wandering seekers.

It was as if repeated waves of heat spread instantly from each of his fingers through his entire body. "Ap-Lau!" Sarek moaned and felt his temperature to rise vertically. Aflame. He was aflame. Amanda's embrace was cool, but it turned his blood into fire. Instinctively his gaze was fixed on his mark on her shoulder… An external sign declaring to all other males that his mate belonged to him and to nobody else. After all these months it had almost faded. He would have to rectify it.

_Were there really those who claimed __we do not fit perfectly in each other? Fools, _he thought before she first moved her mouth down his shoulder and bit fiercely…

* * *

Vulcan words (from VLD)

plak'tow: blood fever, the final part of Pon Farr

Ap-Lau: heaven, a place of eternal peace

* * *

Chapter soundtrack

Nana Mouskouri - Only Love

Shania Twain - You're still the One

Ronan Keating – When you say nothing at all

A/N: Your thoughts, comments and ideas are most welcome.


	11. Through aMirror with the eyes of a child

Disclaimer is in prologue. Letters in Italics represent Spock's inner thoughts.

A/N: Writing the next chapter took me an unusual amount of time because my muse led me in a slightly different path than what I had originally planned. An additional plot research plus some real life issues would considerably delay its posting while the chapter grew bigger every day. Therefore I've decided to split it into three smaller ones.

This chapter is dedicated to the two people that made this story possible, TeaOli and Aphrodite420. There is no way I will ever thank them enough for their generosity. As English is not my native language, I wouldn't have started without Aphrodite420's encouragement and I would never have gotten this far without TeaOli's help.

Σας ευχαριστώ από τα βάθη της καρδιάς μου.

**Various Shades of Gray**

**10****.**** Through a Mirror**** with the eyes of a child **

**Part I. Dawn**

Spock awoke with a small breath. He opened his eyes and instinctively checked his internal clock. _04:27 hours_. He swiftly rose from his bed, placed his hands above his head and stretched his back.

Τhe changes in his body during the last year were more obvious. Every passing day as he grew older he could feel each one of the vertebrae in his spinal column becoming more flexible, more… like his father's. And during his kahs'wan he found he actually required a considerably lesser amount of sleep.

_So__,_ _our similarities are not only external. Regardless of what they say, I am a true Vulcan._

The small child stood in the middle of his room and looked around. His PADDs, his desk, his science projects, a few paper books, his puzzle toys, I'Chaya's corner where he secretly used to sleep, despite his mother's orders…

Spock's face remained calm and his emotions well controlled. His father's cousin, Selek, was right. He should not dwell on the past. I'Chaya's life was not wasted. His aged sehlat, the closest friend he ever had - the only friend Spock ever had - had lived a full life and died saving his. _It was his time. Kaiidth. __What is is._

At that thought the boy straightened his shoulders. As always, his father was right. Logic and control were far, far better options than emotion and instinct. Selek was right. Control of emotions and logic offered a serenity his human side would never experience in full.

_How would I __have reacted at I'Chaya's loss without control?_ Spock wondered. _Well, it is fortunate that I will never find out._ The loss of the family sehlat, an animal he knew and befriended all his life, was almost too painful to endure.

_So… now what? _Spock had never awoken so early before. He looked around. _Perhaps I should read?_

He thought for a moment and then an idea was formed in his mind. His mother always spoke of 'quality time'_._ Perhaps if his father was awake and not working, they could converse. If he was meditating then Spock could join him. Satisfied with his logical thought processes, Spock left his room.

Oddly enough, his father was not in his meditation chamber. Nor in his office. Nor in the library. Nor in his new bedroom. Spock had been pleased when he realised that his mother finally decided against sharing her bedroom with his father. It was illogical and uncomfortable to share one's own bedchamber, a place of personal meditation and rest - unless of course it was the family sehlat. And his father, Sarek of Vulcan, was a much sought diplomat who served not just Vulcan, their home, but also the entire Federation. He worked hard, and many times throughout the entire night, on political and diplomatic affairs that affected the lives of billions. And Spock felt… no, Spock believed, _yes, that is better_, that his father did in fact sacrifice his peaceful, much needed few hours of rest, in order to provide his bondmate with emotional support and comfort every night.

_How illogical__. Well, at least I do not have to concern myself with that. My bondmate is logical. My rest is secured._

And with that pleasant thought Spock attempted to communicate once again with his future bondmate… only to find once again the bond closed from her side. He thought it would be fun… no, educational, _yes, that is better,_ being able to access her mind with his. Perhaps they would discover common interests.

_Besides__, is this not what bonding is all about? … Oh well, I can try again in the morning. Now, she is probably asleep. _

But where was his father?

Their parental bond was muted. His parents used to mute the bond almost every night… when they shared a common bedchamber.

_Unless…_

Spock went and stood outside the master bedroom, shared by his parents before his kahs'wan.

_Surely not…_

But the sounds coming out of the room left no doubt. His parents were mating. Although he stood at the corridor, Spock could clearly hear his mother's loud vocal expressions.

_Human females certainly express themselves __in a very vigorous, positive and… religious… way while mating…?…?...?_

Why did his mother invoke her Human Deity? Spock hoped she was not in distress, although with the muted bond he could not tell. He was not pleased when his mother was in distress, as it upset his emotional control.

Ah, now his father must have asked her a question, apparently to relieve her from her distress. Because his mother gave an affirmative reply. _And why shouldn't she respond affirmatively? _Spock thought with satisfaction. His father was the epitome of logic.

…?

Or rather, many repeated affirmative replies… To what his mother was agreeing over and over again? His father had excellent hearing, which made any repetition unnecessary.

_Then, why…?_

Spock sighed heavily, remembered that sighs were something he must control, and felt sorry… no, he felt compassion, _yes, that is better,_ for his father, who was obviously forced to endure his emotional mother's illogical requests. Mentally he made a note to ask his father the reason they decided to marry. His mother must have made an emotional decision, as her nature commanded. It was a personal question, but Spock was curious as to his father's logic.

_After all__, curiosity is the only logical feeling._

But in the mean time, what could he do? The little child's eyes flashed at the thought that perhaps… he could attempt to…

Quietly, Spock walked down the corridor, and with light steps exited from the living room, leaving the inside of their house and headed toward the arboretum.

Silence fell all around while people and plants were sleeping.

_Or mating. What a waste of time. _

Spock took the ladder used by the house staff to clean the arboretum's outside walls and placed it near the wall. He was strong now, he felt stronger than three months ago and he was getting stronger every passing day. He climbed swiftly and sat on the arboretum's roof.

Silence fell all around while people and plants were either sleeping or, yes, mating. But those thoughts did not distract the little boy who turned his gaze toward the same place he had every night while he was at the desert.

_The Sas-a-shar desert…_ Spock thought and barely managed to suppress a shiver. It was a cruel, difficult and dangerous place. At merely its very thought his control was put to a test. His trek had lasted ten days and nine nights. During which he had faced danger more than once.

But… out there, where there were no artificial lights, no sounds and no distractions, Spock felt his small body was rising and his turbulent spirit calming. During those lonely nights he had sought shelter at the caves, like his father had taught him. He hardly slept and seldom rested. But at these silent, long hours he did engage in deep meditation. It was the deepest level of meditation he had ever achieved. He looked deep inside himself… and saw his soul. He liked what he saw. A bright, smooth surface. And then, when he opened his eyes, he looked around and saw everything under a different sight. All around him… beauty was found in various forms. Beauty untamed. Beauty waiting to be discovered. He could almost hear it calling him…

And Spock found himself wishing… He would not mind at all… if he repeated such a trek again.

Out there in the desert, Spock began to consider for the first time that _there are… possibilities_. And now sometimes… quite often… he dreamt, _yes… dreamt… of the endless possibilities the future can bring_.

There was only peace while Spock did what he used to do every night of those ten days.

He raised his head, and looked at the stars.

* * *

Chapter soundtrack

Sarah Mclachlan - The Rainbow Connection

* * *

A/N: Your thoughts, comments and ideas are most welcome. It really helps me to know what you think.


	12. Through a Mirror with the eyes of II

Disclaimer is in prologue. Letters in Italics represent people's inner thoughts.

This chapter was edited by TeaOli, who again I must thank for all her advices and most importantly for her time. From commas, to semicolons, to suggestions, to explaining grammatical rules, and the many differences between American and British English, her assistance is invaluable in presenting this story. But as I have the awful habit of making last minute changes, all remaining mistakes are my own.

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**Various Shades of Gray**

**1****1.**** Through a Mirror**** with the eyes of a child **

**Part ****II. Morning**

Sarek lay on his bed watching his wife sleeping in his embrace. All was well then, for she had returned where she belonged and he was no longer alone.

He was no longer alone. They were one.

At the thought of that fulfilment, he had to restrain himself not to express his deep satisfaction again. It wasn't proper – Amanda had fallen asleep twenty minutes ago.

Therefore while holding her, Sarek contemplated on the current situation. Things between them, once again, were not simple.

His mind quickly replicated the events of the last nine hours. The previous night and morning had proven both difficult and extremely pleasant at the same time. Their physical activities and their conversation were subjects he needed to heavily meditate upon.

Amanda awaited an answer to her request. An answer he would provide. She made requests so rarely over the last years. But what would his answer be? What should his answer be?

At that moment he observed that Amanda's body was covered in perspiration and various other body fluids. Watching her, Sarek felt an illogical pang of regret. He had exhausted her again. And now, although he had to awake her for a shower, Sarek found himself unable to do so. Instead he decided to let his wife sleep for at least thirty minutes more. Regardless of the fact that he knew her body did not function well with merely one and a half hours of sleep.

His austere facial characteristics softened as Sarek observed his mate with affection. Gently using the sheet, he wiped away some moisture from her chest and neck. Amanda took a small breath but did not awake. Even though he could lie next to her and watch her for hours, he had to arise – duty was calling.

Slowly and in the gentlest possible way, he found his way out of his wife's embrace and walked to the bathroom for his second, in less than five hours, sonic shower.

When he exited the shower, he saw that Amanda had rolled to his side of the bed which was always warmer. She was lying prone and Sarek carefully observed her shoulders.

_Good._ He had marked her well. In the unlikely event that any other male would even consider claiming her again, they would know she was taken.

Sarek's gaze darkened as he recalled that single event that occurred 9.75 years ago. Seeing her back then in the arms of several other males, especially from her own species… It didn't simply disturb him. A blind rage rose to engulf him, until he realised… The fault had been totally his.

Oddly enough, up to that day it had never occurred to him that, since Amanda was still unbonded, another male might claim her. He had illogically presumed he had her full attention.

Well… he certainly had taken considerable steps in making sure of her, after witnessing that scene. That same night he had declared his intentions and marked her for the first time as his.

And now, satisfied with the thought he had again done his duty as her mate, he checked his internal clock.

_07:11 hours. Perhaps Spock is awake by now._

Sarek put on his meditation pants and stepped out of the room in search of his son… only to find the small boy right out of the master bedroom.

"Greetings, Father."

"Spock. You awoke early."

"Indeed Father. Last night I found myself in need of a lesser amount of sleep."

Before his father had any chance to close the door behind him, the small child glanced inside the bedroom and saw his mother lying on her abdomen on the bed, sleeping.

Spock sniffed and Sarek realising the room's heavy scent quickly closed the door. It was illogical to be embarrassed by a person's naked form, yet at that moment Sarek was grateful for the sheet that partially covered Amanda's lower half.

"Am I to understand that you and Mother decided to share the same bedchamber again, Father?" Spock asked as they begun walking down the corridor.

"That is correct, my son. Now that you are bonded you will learn that there are some things a proper bondmate must take into consideration. Your mother and I shall continue sharing the same room while sleeping."

The child's brows came together for a few moments before regaining again a carefully neutral expression. "May I ask a personal query?"

Sarek discreetly looked down at his son with his peripheral vision, but did not stop his steady walk until they reached the door of his personal meditation room.

"I apologize, Father. You wish to meditate."

"It can wait. You may ask your question," Sarek nodded.

"Father, I wonder… why you and mother share the same bedchamber? I understand that she is Human with emotions, and needs support and… comfort" Spock tilted his head "but since you are bonded you already provide those things through the bond."

Sarek watched as his son's puzzled face met his. It was true that he had to justify his actions in a logical manner. But watching the small face, he couldn't help but wonder at the several difficulties in teaching a young mind Surak's philosophy, while at the same time sharing his bedchamber with an emotional bondmate.

"Spock, you will soon learn that being bonded is entirely different from living together with your bondmate. You are bonded now, and your ko-kugalsu comes from a respected clan with her own house.

"However your mother has no family here. She is clanless, and thus was adopted by our clan before our bonding. Your logic is sound. Through the marital bond we do communicate. But as your mother is Human, she also needs the physical manifestation of our union. Do not forget, she is psi-null.

"Additionally, her body is not designed to meet our planet's conditions. Her native planet has lesser gravity and more humidity. In spite of all that, your mother has adjusted admirably into her new home. But keep in mind that her effort is continuous. As a result she needs constant support from within our bond but also from outside, through physical contact.

"Therefore, it is my sole duty as her bondmate to ensure not only her being, but, most importantly, her well-being. That means caring for her all needs, sharing her emotional concerns and constantly providing everything within my power to keep her satisfied with our union."

And with those words Sarek stopped talking for an unusual amount of time while a thought traveled like a shadow from his eyes…

Spock, standing by, watched him carefully in silence. His father was clearly meditating over a situation and the small child waited patiently. After 21.7 seconds Sarek blinked and focused again his dark black eyes on light brown ones.

"Sharing our bedchamber is only logical. And how do you handle your newly established bond? How is your communication with T'Pring proceeding so far?" Years spent as Vulcan's ambassador had trained Sarek in switching the subject of a conversation as quickly and elegantly as the blade of a sof'el'itju dancer.

His father's inquiry made the child lower his head.

"So far she has not responded to my mental messages. I sense her signal faintly since the ceremony, but nothing else. She has not opened the bond at all," Spock admitted with a clear tone of displeasure in his voice.

Sarek watched his disappointed son alarmed. Indeed that was unusual behavior. Children's curiosity was usually evident and often communication was expected, especially within the first days of the bonding. But he would give the small girl the benefit of the doubt. Reaching to conclusions based on scarce facts was illogical.

"It is possible she will communicate with you within the next weeks. Time is needed sometimes to become accustomed to the newly established bond and to initiate contact with your bondmate. That, Spock, is a common characteristic shared by both Vulcan and Terran females."

Sarek tilted his head as he remembered his own hurtful loneliness and his recently re-opened bond. "They both require a sometimes… most illogical, additional amount of time in comparison to males. Most illogical."

"Yes, Father…" again the boy hesitated, "yet, I still find myself curious."

"About what?"

"Why was Mother lying naked on her stomach in your bed? And why were her hair so tangled?"

"..."

From that day on Spock was inclined positively towards some aspects of his mother's culture. Especially the 'quality time' and its benefits.

Spock would always treasure that day, when a series of unprecedented events took place. Events that had not and never would again occur in the future.

His father did not meditate. Nor did he go to his office at the Ministry of Federation and Foreign Affairs. He did not awake his mother either, but instead he left her sleep until the early afternoon hours.

Later over the years, when Spock affectionately would recall that day, he would come to understand the reason why his father revealed these things to him.

Spock, son of Sarek, son of Skon, was no longer a pre-kahs'wan child. He was a member of the S'chn T'gai clan by trial, and there were some things he had to be told.

Some things were amusing. Some things were interesting or unexpected. Some others turned out to be hurtful... most hurtful. But it did not matter. He had a ko-kugalsu. He was no longer a child, but a responsible bondmate.

In truth, he would come to realize, it was the first time his father treated him, not as a child, but as an equal clan member.

And these were things he simply had to know.

"Wait here, Spock," was his father's reply.

While the child waited in the hallway, Sarek went to his office and directed his assistant at the MFFA to alter his schedule and cancel his appointments. That day he would work from his home.

He also contacted the school where his wife taught and informed them she would be unavailable to attend her classes. No questions were asked as Vulcans were discreet, especially in regards to family affairs.

Spock recalled how his father returned to the hallway and guided them both into the library.

It was on that day his father sat down with him and talked – really talked. Instead of simply reciting proper Vulcan behavioral ways and conducts as he usually did, father and son sat together and engaged in a frank conversation.

Sarek narrated to his son how he met his mother, at the Vulcan embassy on Earth, where she was hired to work as a junior assistant 2.2 months after finishing her university studies.

During their first meeting, he observed that her behavior was not only atypical of her species but also exemplary according to Vulcan standards. Compared to the rest of her Human colleagues, she had perfectly performed the ta'al, a gesture most Humans found difficult to replicate. Logically, he noticed that.

The second time they met accidentally in an elevator.

The Vulcan ambassador commented on the ease with which she had performed the ta'al. He expressed his puzzlement at having heard some of her Human colleagues and senior diplomats call the salute 'painful'.

The junior assistant had looked at him and laughed. Such an innocent alien smile. It was a puzzling response that confused him and he wished to learn more. So logically he asked the reason of her laugh.

She gave him a mischievous smile and beckoned him with her index finger to approach her closer. It was illogical as they were alone in the elevator. Yet he did.

In a conspiratorial tone, Amanda had confessed that she had read a few library articles regarding Vulcan customary greetings. Their first meeting was short, informal and although she was really 'nobody', she had decided to be a well prepared 'nobody'. So she had practiced the salute alone in front of her mirror.

It was simple, Amanda had admitted with a kind smile and a shrug of her shoulders. She had no desire to embarrass her species.

As she, a Human junior assistant, had taken such a keen interest in studying Vulcan behavior, he, the Vulcan ambassador, could not bypass the opportunity to study Human behavior in return.

It was logical that he would endeavor to develop a closer relationship with her. It would, and in fact did, greatly improve his knowledge and understanding of the species for which he was appointed to represent Vulcan. Culture study and comprehension were elemental parts of his ambassadorial duties, his father reminded him.

Later, through close association they both came to deeply appreciate each other. Their consequent marriage was the only logical result.

Spock had never realized what his father told him next. Two surprised small eyebrows were raised, upon learning that after his parents' marriage his mother was adopted not only by the S'chn T'gai clan, but also by his father who had been appointed as her legal guardian.

At the time of their marriage, Amanda Grayson was 22 years old, and while on her home planet she was considered an adult, according to Vulcan law, she was still underage. Any thoughts of her undertaking the kahs'wan ritual were immediately rejected as illogical. She might have been a member of their clan by adoption, but she remained a human, frail and fragile.

Therefore, in her status at that time, his mother couldn't make an official claim in Vulcan society. Legally, she had the rights of a pre-kahs'wan child. She was in need of a custodian, his father, until she became 25, when by Vulcan law she would be considered as an adult.

His father told him how 'amusing' his mother found the fact that she celebrated her coming of age twice. Perhaps a small degree of amusement was logical, Sarek pondered. How many people were able to claim that?

The first time, an 18-year-old Amanda Grayson was a university student, who had stayed out with her friends all night partying and dancing. The second time, a 25-year-old Amanda Grayson was a working mother of a one-year-old baby and she went to bed early.

Hearing that, Spock nodded in accordance. It was most peculiar. Perhaps even 'amusing' in human terms... Yes, Spock decided, it was 'amusing' and that was logical.

(Actually, Amanda Grayson really had stayed awake all night, celebrating her second coming of age, as well. Next morning, and still panting, she referred to their nocturnal celebrations as a 'sex marathon' in which her husband should receive the 'gold medal'. Sarek, upon hearing that new phrase, was considerably amused and asked if Amanda's species would ever run out of expressions describing sexual intercourse. At first, her Vulcan husband wondered what their mating could possibly have in common with a running contest named after an ancient Earth battlefield. Amanda reminded him their lengthy activities and Sarek, after contemplating for 2.5 seconds, saw the logic behind his wife's statement. Nevertheless Sarek omitted those details as it was not proper to share such intimate events with his seven-year-old son.)

Following that, his father described to him Amanda's early difficulties in adjusting to her new home. Her birth planet had much more humidity and a denser atmosphere. Compared to Earth, Vulcan was practically moistureless with a much heavier gravity. Clothing was the least in the long list of things that were different. Yet she had adapted admirably, especially after her first year.

Sarek explained to his son the reason why his mother looked so distressed on the day he left for his kahs'wan ordeal, and her intense emotional reaction on the day of his return.

They had been in their new home for only a week, when his mother, fascinated by the beauty of Vulcan's desert as seen by the landing shuttle, asked her husband to take her out there for an expedition.

The little child nodded. Sometimes his mother could be very convincing.

Spock noticed how his father's gaze became somewhat troubled as he informed him that that experience had proven 'most upsetting' and 'overwhelming' for his mother.

At night, according to their plan, they had sought shelter in one of the numerous cave complexes. However, during that night an electric storm had frightened her. His father had kept them both safe, of course. But the storm's fury, combined with the screams of a female lematya who was looking for her cub, were overtaxing for his mother, who was unaccustomed in such fierce experiences.

His father did not mention the entire trail of events; Spock was certain of it. Yet he made no further enquiries on the subject. The thought of his mother in distress… was appalling to both of them.

Abruptly, Sarek changed the unwelcome subject, and told him of the events that took place on the day he was born.

He had been at his office at the MFFA when his presence had been requested during an unscheduled session at the Science Council. As a result, he was delayed and, much to his mother's dismay, had not been present at his birth.

But it was logical, his father claimed. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.

Then Spock's father took him to the library's computer terminal and showed the boy several holo-images taken on the day of his birth by Sarek himself as per Amanda's request. As she did not have an eidetic memory, these holo-images were the only way she could accurately recall their son's birth and how he looked on the early hours and days of his infancy.

Spock raised an eyebrow. Was that small, round infant… him?

He was a little surprised that as a newborn in some images he thought he resembled a female!

Ah, at the next image that impression was corrected as his mother, with an illogically big grin, removed the blanket and exhibited to the camera his private anatomical parts while he maintained a sleepy countenance in her embrace.

The child became upset because in those images, despite of her smile, his mother appeared tired and worn; her hair was dishevelled and sweaty. But that was logical and expected.

_She must have suffered giving birth alone__, with only two birthing specialists who merely attended the delivery_, Spock presumed. She needed comfort… support. She needed her bondmate. That must have been the reason her brown eyes where filled with tears. Yet Spock had rarely seen such a beaming smile on her face.

In those images his mother was a most confusing and perplexing figure, both laughing and crying at the same time.

The impression Spock had from gazing at these images now, seven years later, was that she held in her arms all the happiness of the world and she was drowning in the overcoming emotion.

Yet, apart from happiness… there was something else written on his mother's face. Pride. His mother looked extremely proud as she held that small bud in her arms.

Next, his father showed him the reason why his mother had such an intense emotional reaction that day.

Sarek indicated a file of the terminal's screen and told his son to open it. Spock gave the verbal command. It contained numerous medical records taken before, during and after Amanda Grayson's pregnancy.

Did all these really belong to his mother? Spock wondered in amazement. _But her body is so delicate! How did she undertake such heavy medication and so many therapies? _

The volume of these records brought shivers down his spine. The size of that medical folder was enormous! Tests, special diets, observations, exams, prescriptions, results, results, results…

However, among the myriad files, one stood out. Its size was relatively small. Whereas all the other files were labeled with medicines, diseases, therapies, codes and numbers, this was named simply as 'Ladybug'.

"Open file 'Ladybug'," his father said to the computer and Spock's eyes widened.

It contained something unique. The famous chemical formula doctor Daniel Corrigan and the healer Sorel created together based on combined Vulcan and Human DNA. No wonder their work was awarded by both the Vulcan Science Academy and the Earth Nobel Committee. The image was… beautiful.

Indeed both healers had succeeded in creating something admirable. Spock observed the molecule of the unique synthetic progesterone created exclusively and entirely compatible with both his mother's Human and his father's Vulcan physiology.

The child watched with wonder the synthetic catalyst which was created by the two physicians and united together all the elements of red, iron-based Human blood and green, copper-based Vulcan blood which, in their natural state, were utterly incompatible. The complex yet elegant molecule, which appeared on the screen, was the only thing that made Spock's existence possible.

His father narrated how the Human physician visited their home daily to inject his mother with that pioneer drug and to examine her for any side effects. Before and after his conception and until the fifth month of his mother's pregnancy.

Furthermore, his mother took pills of that same steroid hormone - the injection itself was not enough. Contrary to the injection, she took the pills during her entire pregnancy, until the very last day.

Through their parental bond Spock detected a momentary feeling of upset and annoyance which his father suppressed almost instantly.

He suspected his father was not pleased when his mate underwent such treatment or when another male touched his mother even for medical purposes. The thought did not please Spock either. Yet it was a necessity, therefore logical, the child thought and humbled, lowered his head.

That was the day Spock learned of an invaluable lesson.

He learned that a person's real strength is not based on his size or on the physical strength of his arms and legs, but on the force of their will. It was a lesson that years later would help him defeat an enemy that seemed undefeatable and save a planet.

The child's gaze traveled on the screen, slightly unfocused, refusing to read what was written on the next records.

But Spock was strong. And during the last months he had become stronger. So he forced his eyes to read. For the next files described in every detail how, during her pregnancy his weak, weak, weak Human mother was subjected to a minor modified version of haemodialysis every third day.

Spock visibly shivered and the hair at the back of his head rose at reading that. Did his mother subject herself into that procedure… did she do that willingly… for him?

Although his mother's Human body could naturally metabolize and excrete a small quantity of cooper, during the pregnancy that amount was higher by 2,000 percent, an amount toxic and potentially lethal for her. And it occurred because the fetus – him – had cooper-based blood.

The medical report stated that the patient's blood – his mother's red blood - was polluted from Vulcan factors, mainly cooper. Factors necessary for the fetus's survival - his survival.

She could not receive medication to eliminate the cooper from her blood as it would cause damage to the fetus. Therefore every third day these elements unavoidably had to be filtered out of her body. The best option the Vulcan and the Human healer had selected was a minor haemodialysis, modified so as not to cause any harm to him. It was one of the many benefits of the 23rd century advanced medical science.

Additionally she took medicines that significantly enhanced the function of her liver and kidneys, organs that were overly fatigued from constantly metabolizing and excreting enormous amounts of cooper.

On top of everything else, his mother injected herself on a daily basis with a hypospray containing a factor which balanced her blood coagulation and increased the level of oxygen in the area of her abdomen. Five centimeters around her belly button. Every single day, during her entire 10.75 month pregnancy.

Every. Single. Day.

So that the fetus – him – could breath normally inside her. Because Vulcan embryos had an increased need for oxygen for their proper brain development in comparison to Human ones.

Looking at the screen, Spock felt his head spin and his eyes becoming more moistened. A haemodialysis? Even the single thought of his weak mother injecting herself once, pained him.

He swallowed hard.

"For how long?" he asked while his eyes refused to leave the computer's screen.

"43 weeks," was his father's calm reply. "Seven weeks longer than a Human one. One week lesser than a Vulcan one." Sarek hesitated a little. "But that was not the end of it," he said in a soft tone - softer than his usual severe one.

Spock closed his eyes. He took a deep breath and steeled himself for the following report. Then he reopened his eyes. There was more.

"Yes," the small child simply said and Sarek opened the next file.

That was the day when Spock also learned of a new name. Aplastic anemia. And he hated even its very sound. For that disease was the sole reason he would never have the brother he secretly craved for.

Ever since he could remember himself, Spock had always dreamt of having a younger brother. He had even made numerous mental notes of advice he would give him about his future. He had planned in every detail how he would help his brother discover the beauty of logic and the teachings of Surak in the same way their father had taught him. Also, they would spend hours playing three dimensional chess together.

Additionally, his brother would be more naughty than himself. It is only logical – younger brothers' behaviour was always more adventurous. So while his pre-kahs'wan brother would endanger himself, Spock would excel in the role of the older, more mature, responsible sibling. And in the event his younger brother engaged in an unfortunate event, his wiser brother Spock would be there to offer assistance and guidance.

But that day Spock learned that his dream could never be.

It was right after his birth that his mother became ill. She underwent a detoxification therapy to remove all remaining Vulcan elements from her body.

Ironically, it was supposed to be a simple process following all those months of heavy meditation and treatments.

Unfortunately, Amanda Grayson's fatigued body reacted by rejecting some of the factors the Healers used during the therapy. And she had taken so many medicines before and during her first pregnancy. Her fragile body had finally reached its limits.

Although by the 23rd century the remedy for that disease was relatively simple, the nature of aplastic anemia ensured that it would surely reappear during a second pregnancy as his mother would have to undertake again the heavy meditation which had already affected her body's chemical imbalance. She would have to receive the treatment immediately.

And that treatment meant that the pregnancy would have to be terminated. Upon considering that, both father and son simultaneously suppressed a shiver.

Logically, her Human physician had forbidden even a second attempt. It would be an illogical risk for the mother and served no purpose, as the fetus would not survive. And the Vulcan healer, who his father trusted explicitly, had agreed.

S'chn T'gai Spock would remain forever an only child. It was logical. But logic did not make the knowledge less painful.

True, it was illogical to hate a disease or a profession. But at that moment, Spock was unable to prevent a deep sentiment of loathing and hostility toward the disease and the doctors who failed to protect his mother from it. It was their fault. They were living in the 23rd century on one of the most medically advanced planets of the known universe! They had to anticipate something like that would occur. The failure fell on their shoulders.

_Why the doctors didn't prevent that?_ the child thought angrily. _They had already achieved so much! _They had brought a hybrid pregnancy to a successful end, which was an unparallel accomplishment! _Why weren't they more careful?_ She was his mother, not their experiment! Besides, was it too much to ask for a sibling? Why did they create him if he would remain alone? The small child felt a painful gulp forming in his throat. He never wished to be alone. And he never wished to be unique either.

That dislike for the medical profession was a sentiment the child would carry for the rest of his life.

His father must have realized his emotional upset, Spock thought later, recalling in his memory the events of that day.

Sarek rose from his seat, gently guided Spock to the couch, sat next to him and changed the subject.

He began explaining how Vulcan mating was induced. In contrast, Human mating was spontaneous. Logically, his father said, as a result each species was forced to adapt their behavior, customs and daily lives accordingly.

Spock wanted to ask how these biological differences affected their daily routine when suddenly his father stopped talking. Sarek looked at the opposite wall and his eyes became slightly unfocused.

"Your mother has awaken. I must go to her," his father said and rose swiftly. "You may remain here and continue your studying."

"Yes, Father." Spock nodded. As Sarek left the room Spock noticed his striding but wisely did not comment it.

For a few more minutes the small child sat on the large couch, strolling over some old texts, when suddenly… he realised something.

His father had left him in the library unsupervised. Alone. He was alone inside the library. With the library's computer terminal.

A terminal which, unlike the one in his father's office, was not password protected.

Library terminal.

Alone.

It took him three point four seconds to run from the couch back to the enormous desk (which would appear considerably smaller in the years to come), sit on the chair in front of the screen and give the verbal command for his research.

It was after all what his father told him to do. Study.

"Computer, initiate research. Vulcan and Human mating rituals," was all he said and spent the next hours deciding which of the two species had the more illogical approach to the subject.

The results were… odd. Bizarre. Most puzzling.

Somehow both species managed to appear equally irrational, incomprehensible, and most importantly… everything seemed unreasonably tiresome.

_Why would anyone go into such trouble__s merely for procreation purposes?_ Spock wondered. The images alone looked exhausting.

Spock scratched his head, one of his mother's gestures. Then, realizing he must control even the smallest of gestures, lowered his hand and placed it carefully on the desk. He would control himself. He looked again at the screen and tilted his head.

If he ever had to choose for a second time, he would choose Vulcan again, the child thought with deep satisfaction and pride.

Spock was again pleased with his choice as he clearly saw the logic behind it. He had more chances in winning a battle if he was armed with a lirpa and stood against one opponent than he would have if T'Pring's father stood behind him during the kal'i'farr ceremony and was aiming at him with a phaser.

Eventually, after 4.5 hours of continuous research, he became tired.

He yawned and stretched his back. His mother had a saying. 'It just isn't worth the trouble,' and for once Spock fully agreed with her on this subject.

His mother…

But where were his parents?

He checked through their parental bond. It was muted. _Again?_ Spock presumed that they were probably engaged in a private discussion which had lasted an unusual amount of time. _But why did they mute the bond? _

A thought crossed his mind… But Spock shook his head and at the same time rejected it as illogical. There was no way his parents were mating during daylight. _No way. _They were conversing. Of course they were.

Nevertheless, he was unwilling to wait outside their bedchamber again. So he remained in the library and continued his research on the terminal, until… he discovered something…

_I__nteresting_.

A female image. Alien like his mother, only with darker skin tone.

She was dressed so lightly, so differently from Vulcan females… Spock gasped! He could see her navel!

And her hair…

His breath was caught for several moments.

Oh, her hair was like a sea of ebony… Long, rich and black…

She was Human, a familiar species, but at the same time her smile appeared oddly confusing… That smile confused him and Spock found himself wishing to learn more. He had to learn more.

She was obviously most satisfied with herself. But why? Why was she so satisfied? He studied carefully her figure and posture. Both were aesthetically pleasing.

_Most pleasing…_

"Hello, Spock."

"Mother!"

Even his ears perked up.

* * *

Vulcan words

From VLD:

ko-kugalsu: fiancée

sof'el'itju: dance of combat, Vulcan martial art

ta'al: the Vulcan salute

kahs'wan: training - to adulthood

kal'i'farr: marriage

From Wikipedia:

lirpa: a Vulcan weapon consisting of a wooden staff a little over a meter in length, with a semicircular blade at one end and a metal bludgeon on the other.

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Chapter soundtrack

Beyoncé – Halo

Taken by Trees - Sweet Child O'Mine

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A/N: Dr. Daniel Corrigan and the healer Sorel belong to Jean Lorrah.

This chapter offers my simple (I hope) explanation of how a hybrid conception was achieved and why Spock's parents were not able to give him a sibling. If you have read this far, you know I'm not a doctor. My imagination was mixed with medical information from Wikipedia and various medical articles I read while writing this chapter. It took me a while as the research wasn't easy. I was partially inspired by my sister who, like so many women around the world, struggled through all her pregnancies.

Writing this chapter was quite difficult exactly because I tried to keep the medical and scientific information simple for everyone (including myself) to comprehend.

Please consider leaving a review with your thoughts, comments and ideas. I really would like to know how you view this chapter.


	13. Through a Mirror with the eyes of III

Disclaimer is in prologue. Letters in Italics represent people's inner thoughts.

A/N: A small note from the previous chapter that may not be very obvious: Spock is devastated he will never have a brother. Yet, as we already know, many years later he will find a very good, adventurous friend, who will be all that: they will play 3D chess, Spock will get him out of way too many troubles, after which he will always lecture him about the merits of logic! So, things may look awful now for little Spock, but keep in mind that things change :-)

I would like to thank sf. fangirl for being my 100th reviewer.

Also I would like to express my deepest gratitude to both TeaOli and Aphrodite420 who edited this chapter. Only their invaluable assistance made this story possible. My awful habit to make last minute changes makes all remaining mistakes entirely mine.

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**Various Shades of Gray**

**12. Through a Mirror with the eyes of a child **

**Part III. Afternoon**

"Hello, Spock."

"Mother!"

Even his ears perked up. The female image on the screen had monopolized his attention to such a degree, he didn't hear her enter.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked with a beaming smile, standing at the door.

Spock hadn't seen her smile like that for many months. Her face had been gloomy and cheerless; her eyes were sad and quite often red and swollen in the mornings. Yet now she appeared… uplifted. She resembled the female in the holo-images his father showed him from the day of his birth. As if she owned all the happiness of the world.

But it didn't matter. What mattered was every step she took as she began approaching the enormous desk.

Toward him.

One step, two, three, four… Suddenly his mouth became dry.

"I... am... researching... Vulcan and Human... rituals." He admired his control. How was he able to utter these words with his tongue stuck to his uraniscus?

"How nice. What rituals?" she asked, bent over him and looked at the screen.

If only the floor would open up and swallow him! Anything, anything would be acceptable, if he could avoid the unavoidable.

"Belly dance!" Amanda Grayson exclaimed and clapped her hands together. "Oh, sweetie! Αre you researching dance rituals?" she asked excitedly.

Did he blush? He used three different techniques to control the flow of blood to his face.

"Yes," he whispered breathlessly. It was not a lie. Yet it was not the entire truth either.

"Well, good for you. It's always beneficial to expand our knowledge. Perhaps in his next off-planet assignment your father can take us both with him. It's been a while since our last time. Wouldn't that be interesting?" His mother smiled when he nodded numbly.

"And don't tell your father that I told you," she said with a wink "but he's a very good dancer."

"Mother! Really!" He lowered his head in shame, wishing to avoid her eyes, the screen… the entire room. At that point, even the thought of his father embracing another person was disturbing.

"What? Spock!" _H__ere comes the scolding,_ he thought. "You do remember your father is a diplomat, right?"

"Of course, Mother. But-"

"And as a diplomat he contacts so many diverse planets, with such different ethics, principles, cultures… even moral values! Learning to dance is only one of the many un-Vulcan things your father had to learn during his career. Besides…" Amanda smiled, "studying alien cultures is how we met, your father and I."

"Yes, Mother." He forced his head to nod. "It sounds logical." But he still did not like the idea of his father putting his arms around a female other than his bondmate.

"I'm glad it does." His mother smiled again and, observing the dancer's pose for a few seconds, she sighed. "Oh! What that image reminds me of."

"Mother?" He almost ogled. Was she… implying what Spock thought she was? No! Surely not his mother!

"See the embroidered costume that lady is wearing? It's called a bedlah, which means suit. Beautiful, isn't it?"

He almost stuttered. "And how do you possess that information?"

"I took a few dancing lessons during my time," she confessed and with a deep breath her eyes travelled around the library, although they both knew she wasn't really seeing the room. Suddenly she shook her head as if to awake from her reverie. "I was actually pretty good at dancing," Amanda recalled with a big smile. "All my teachers said so."

"…all?"

"Yes. I began with Latin dance lessons for… let me see… ummm… about a year. Rumba, cha-cha-cha, merengue, salsa, mambo…" his mother said and swung her hips.

Her hips?

He congratulated himself for not falling off the chair. What excellent control he had!

"They were a gift from your grandparents for my final year in university. Poor dears! They were so worried that their only daughter had her face constantly buried inside a book, studying…

"Anyway, next year I took two classes," his mother continued with a longing smile without realising for a minute how ruthlessly cruel she was. "Argentine tango and belly dance, which I paid for myself, thank you very much!"

And she thanked him because…?

"I'd just gotten the job at the Vulcan embassy you see, and I was finally able to support myself. That year was when your father and I first met. He was curious… Well, you know how curious your father is." Amanda laughed. "You both are. Anyway, he came and watched a few classes."

If his mother told him his father had a third eye, Spock wouldn't have been more surprised.

"Indeed?" was all he could think of saying. "Did Father participate?" And steeled himself for the reply.

"Of course not! The Vulcan ambassador? Now that would be a scandal," his mother thankfully replied with a wry smile and shook her head.

"No, it wasn't a formal occasion, Spock. By then your father already knew how to dance. The Embassy had hired him a private tutor. He just came to observe the place. At that time we had started… we were… ummm… exploring various aspects of each other's culture," Amanda Grayson told her small son.

She didn't inform him how each evening on her couch they were also thoroughly exploring each others' oral cavities and their ability to remain breathless. So far she was losing miserably. But it was the sweetest defeat ever.

Spock nodded his acknowledgement. And just when he thought the situation couldn't get any worse… it did.

"Would you like me to show you a few steps?" his mother asked in a pleading tone, bending down next to his chair.

Oh, he knew that hopeful smile too well. It must have pained her, he thought, the fact that he chose to embrace totally his father's culture and reject hers. He also knew she had accepted it with difficulty. But eventually she had yielded to logic. And she had given birth to him. Just the thought of all those medical records and files…

"That would be acceptable," he replied, and was gifted with an illuminating smile and the tenderest touch through their bond.

_Beautiful._

He observed her. She rose and walked, full of grace, to the middle of the room, and swung and faced him with a smile that enlightened the library, her long green robe following her movements. Her brown hair was shining in the light. She wore it down in a long thick braid which he illogically preferred. There was no need for an austere, complex bun inside their home.

_Beautiful._

He admired her. His mother was truly beautiful, in all her Humanness. And Spock found himself wishing with all his heart, that T'Pring would become as beautiful as his mother was at that exact moment.

"Now, come here," she said and opened her arms in a welcoming embrace. Trying to disguise his discomfort, he rose from the chair and followed her trail.

"Put your right arm around my waist," Amanda said and tried to guide her son into position.

But then the small child came to a realisation. The image of a strange, rival male, standing where he stood, hit Spock like a punch. And it was too much to bear.

"Mother! Are you saying that other males have touched you in that way?"

"Well, most kinds of dance involve touching Spock. Tango is an embrace; you need to embrace your partner."

"And Father accepted that?"

Amanda was surprised by her son's strong reaction. Spock had never reacted in that way before. It caught her totally by surprise. "Well… it's just… dancing, Spock. From where I come from people do it all the time, even as a form of exercise."

"I am aware of that Mother, and I can accept that Father danced as a part of his ambassadorial duties. That is logical. But you are his mate, not part of his job."

"We weren't bonded at the time, Spock," was her curt reply and Spock felt a mental scolding. "And remember your IDIC lessons please. Dancing is part of my culture. Embracing isn't considered an offence on Earth as it is on Vulcan. Humans aren't touch telepaths."

Ashamed by another slip of control, Spock lowered his head and nodded. He still had a lot to learn, he reminded himself, following Surak's path. "Ni'droi'ik nar-tor," the child said with an even voice and his reward was another smile.

"Nam-tor ri thrap wilat nem-tor rim," Amanda acknowledged in return with a slight accent.

Spock raised his head and met his mother's eyes. This woman was his mother. He came from her. And for having him not only had she suffered a lot, she also sacrificed so much… _her health, future offspring… _

And at that moment Spock stood tall. He would honor those sacrifices, everything she had been through in order to have him. Every pain, every injection, every treatment, every single day she spent lying on her bed. And vowed to become a better person, a more logical Vulcan, not because of his father, but because by following Surak's path he would honor his mother, her life and her choices. She chose to leave her home planet; she chose to bond with his father, she chose to bear him. Nobody would ever say again that she, a weak Human, had given birth to an unworthy son. He knew his mother was proud of him. He saw it. He heard it. He felt it. Yet he swore to earn it. His family would never mourn another I'Chaya. He would master his emotions. There was no other way.

"Ma etek natyan teretuhr lau etek shetau weh-lo'uk do tum t'on," he replied back in a completely neutral tone and saw the smile disappear from her face.

Amanda Grayson felt a tight pressure in her chest and kept their link at the minimum level. At that moment she knew she had lost him. When her son spoke of their differences… it wasn't merely a battle, but the entire war that was lost.

She had lost him… She felt a pang of regret and placed her right hand on her chest.

She had lost him… She felt her heart miss a beat and she swallowed hard.

Hadn't she? Where was she? She looked at his face… _So much like his father…_ Then she focused on his eyes. _Yes…_ There she was. And there she would remain. Forever and always.

Then she smiled.

Looks like she'd got her Grayson after all.

_Perhaps gray sometimes isn't such a bad color, _Amanda thought. It was the color of the path her only son would walk upon his entire life. Her baby would always walk upon gray lines between Vulcan and Human.

What choice did her baby have over that subject? What choice did she have, since the day she and Sarek met? If her husband asked her to follow him to the other side of the universe, she would gladly comply. She already had.

_Sometimes our choices are stripped from us_, Amanda reminded herself. Really, what were her choices? She couldn't imagine a life without Sarek. He was her oxygen.

"Spoken like a true Vulcan," Amanda whispered in a choked voice, without losing for a second her trademark – her usual kind smile. Her eyes were filled with unshed tears. "Well done," she nodded and pursed her lips to stop them from trembling.

"Mother! You honor me." He almost smiled back. Almost.

Amanda looked at her small son's face. She looked at his black hair. She looked at his brown eyes. Would her baby ever realise the gray path he would always follow? It would never be entirely black. It would never be entirely white. It was a path Spock would have to discover by himself. And the only thing she could do was hope and pray the road ahead wasn't very rocky.

She exhaled forcefully, in a failed attempt not to betray her emotions. "Now! Where were we?"

_She always fails in hiding her emotions_, Spock thought, noticing her moist eyes. Then it came to him.

_Maybe she is not meant to hide her emotions. Maybe she is meant to express them. As a gift to Father and me. Maybe her smile is a gift. The most precious gift of all. The gift of acceptance. The gift of love. _

He sent her a swooping sentiment of gratitude. She smiled back.

_Beautiful,_ he thought.

"I shall put my arm around your waist," her small son announced in all seriousness, and Amanda bit her lips again, only this time so as not to laugh aloud at his formal declaration.

Thoughtfully Spock observed his mother's slim waist. _Hmmm…_ He would have to encircle her. With his hands.

He slightly frowned but quickly regained his composure. He would control his facial expressions. He was after all his father's son.

He embraced her softly, reminded of the fact that she was fragile, more fragile than Vulcan females. He was still shorter than her, but logic dictated that that too would change in the following years.

"Don't be afraid. You can squeeze me harder. I can take it," Amanda smiled.

"I am not afraid, Mother. I simply… find this gesture inappropriate when not conducted between family members. I can not imagine another male touching my future mate," Spock said with an obvious emphasis on what was considered 'his'.

_So that's what it was!_ Amanda was touched. Her little boy had indeed grown during the last months. So very much…

"And furthermore I find it hard to believe that Father did not… react at such a sight."

"Spock, your father is a diplomat. He came to observe as a means to expand his cultural know-" she froze for a few seconds, "-ledge."

_No! Sarek couldn't have been that jealous!_

It had never occurred to her.

He had never expressed any kind of disapproval.

He hadn't even raised an eyebrow.

He waited patiently for her to finish her class, introduced himself to the tango instructor, asked a few questions about the 'facility', and then took her home.

That night was when he declared kun-ut so'lik.

Oh, they had kissed before, every night on her couch. But that was the first time he bit her, she recalled. And Amanda realised… _He marked me! Why, that… Mister 'Above'!_

"Mother?"

She blinked. "Uh? Sorry sweetie. I got distracted." She would deal with Mr. 'Jealousy is illogical' in private. _Ooooh_, she would give him hell, that was for sure.

"What shall I do?"

"Oh, ummm… Let me remember. You guide. Let's take a step to the right. My right, your left. Now walk toward me. One, two, three, stop! Very good! Well done! Let's swing a little. A step to the right..."

So for some time mother and son remained in the library, and took their first dance lesson.

Spock felt uncomfortable in her arms. Her cool embrace brought back warm, affectionate memories from his recent pre-kahs'wan childhood. It was an embrace that disturbed his control. And he tolerated it with difficulty because he had to force himself not to return it.

It was an embrace that from now on he would only tolerate - never reciprocate. And he would regret that bitterly. Years later the pain of that lost embrace would make him abandon all logic. His unleashed havoc would almost take away another life.

But for now the small child countenanced his mother's illogical behavior, and stood uncomfortable while trying to follow her steps. It was a tender, beloved memory he would always treasure in the orphaned years to come.

However step by step, after a while, Spock felt more and more uncomfortable. As if the room's atmosphere was becoming thicker and thicker… He was slowly suffocating…

"Mother... You are emoting," he said as he started feeling dizzy and sick. He hoped his words did not sound like a warning or an offence. But touching her hands was slowly becoming unbearable. She couldn't control her emotions that flowed from the parental bond, and along with their physical connection, it overwhelmed him by crashing with his control. His own emotional barriers were barely established at that time. He was after all only seven.

"Am I?" They stopped dancing and Amanda broke their embrace and placed her hands on her cheeks. "Am I?" She repeated as if to herself and blushed. Most unusual. His mother stood still for a few seconds breathing heavily. Then she knelt down and faced him on eye level.

"I'm sorry, Spock. I am so sorry. I didn't mean to. Are you OK?" she asked with a voice full of regret.

He nodded, quickly regaining his control.

"Do you need some water?"

He shook his head. It took him only a deep breath for his vision to clear almost immediately.

"It's just that…" Amanda hesitated while recalling the conversation she and her husband had earlier. "I am happy, Spock. So very happy," she admitted and a trembling smile formed on her lips. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry, I can't control it."

"Do not concern yourself, Mother. It is of no consequence. I am perfectly well. And it is illogical to apologize for something you can not control." He hesitated. "Are you pleased… because you and Father will continue sharing the same bedchamber?"

"Well… that too. Your father and I… You already know that we… we talked and… sorted some things out."

"Mother, I understand that the last months were… difficult for you and my Father," he said and frowned slightly. "May I ask a personal query?"

"Of course, my love."

"Was I the reason for that rift?"

Her eyes flashed. "No! Whatever gave you that idea?"

"I presumed my kahs'wan test," he confessed and lowered his head. "I understand that that ritual must have caused you sentiments of… insecurity and anxiousness. And for that Mother, I must apologise. I never meant to upset you," he said, ashamed - his eyes always fixed on the floor.

"I know that, my love. Spock, there is no need to apologise," Amanda assured him and gently caressed his black hair.

"We… Your Father and I are different. That much is obvious. So, from time to time we… face various issues other couples don't have. But Spock, know this. All married couples have problems, or there comes a time when they disagree on something very, very important… It will happen to you as well, nobody is immune. Not now… Maybe in say… twenty years?" his mother asked him with a mischievous smile on her face.

"When it does, it's important to remember why you and-" she didn't want to speak the girl's name "-your bondmate are together. Remember the first reason that brought you together. You also need to keep your eyes and ears wide open."

He looked puzzled. "But… I have excellent sight and hearing. If my ears were any larger, it would be most inconvenient."

She smiled and bit her lips. "Indeed it would. But what I meant is that it always helps if you see the argument from the other person's perspective. I mean that you must be willing to meet in the middle… That, plus lots of good will and mutual understanding, are usually enough to overcome problems."

Her gaze became serious as she remembered two months ago, her empty embrace.

It had lasted ten days. Ten endless days. Ten hollow days. But then Spock had returned. He was again safe in her arms.

Her husband had also agreed to meet her in the middle. Sarek had told her only one thing - that he had faith in her. And at that moment Amanda felt like there was nothing she couldn't do in the entire universe.

"Sometimes it needs luck," Amanda whispered with a darker look in her eyes. "Just luck."

He shifted uncomfortably. "There are many parameters in your equation."

She smiled. "Yeah, it's complex… like all relationships. But it's worth it. That I promise." She reached out and caressed his soft cheek. "The result is worth everything."

It hit him suddenly, like an enormous wave – and it was a terrifying, chilly thought.

What would have happened to his parents if he hadn't returned from his kahs'wan? If cousin Selek hadn't followed him and I'Chaya to the Forge and saved his life? If… If… If… His mother couldn't have another child. What if...?

Sensing his emotional upset through their bond, his mother eyed him carefully. "Sweetie, why are you afraid?"

"No." He hesitated. "You are mistaken, Mother. I already told you, I am not afraid. Fear is not only unacceptable but also illogical."

She smiled subtly. "Of course… How presumptuous of me. But… it's okay to be afraid, Spock. I too was afraid when I married your father and came here. But I made it. And so will you. And you never know," she gave him a crooked smile, "perhaps one day you may also need to dance."

"That is most unlikely, Mother. The possibility of that is-" His mother threw him a dead serious 'watch it' look. "-very low."

She just rolled her eyes, shook her head and smiled. "Spock, you can become anything you choose to be. Do you think that your father, when he was your age, imagined that one day he would move to a humid planet and marry the E.T.?"

"Who?"

Her lips twitched again. "Never mind. Just remember that-"

At that moment their eyes became unfocused. Sarek was calling them through the bond for their dinner and Amanda felt her empty stomach growl. Was it seven o'clock already?

"Spock, you know that I am very, very proud of you. For the ritual and for all your progress. And regardless of what you choose now… or whatever you choose to be in the future, I'll always be proud."

"I appreciate it, Mother. You are most kind."

"Well… not really. Prejudiced is more like it." His mother laughed aloud shamelessly as she embraced him and together they moved to the exit. "Do you know that now you have more legal rights than me when I first married your father?"

A small eyebrow was raised. "Indeed, Mother. Father has mentioned it. We both found it most amusing," Spock said and Amanda could swear his eyes mocked her.

"Tell me about it," she said with a big grin and shook her head. "Silly, isn't it? I was so thrilled the first time I voted, only to lose it five years later." Amanda rolled her eyes. "What was I thinking?"

Her son eyed her carefully. No, she did not reconsider marrying his father. Her smile indicated she was teasing him.

"Well, Mother," Spock declared with an air of absolute authority as they exited the library and headed to the dining room, "Vulcan physiology IS different from Human."

"…really?" Amanda said with a wry voice and eyed her 'genius' son carefully. His nose was so high in the air it could almost touch the ceiling.

"Gee Spock, I haven't noticed. Thanks for the tip."

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Sarek awaited his family in the dining room. Upon hearing them walking down the corridor he turned to greet them when suddenly-

"OUCH!"

His wife entered first with an innocent smile on her face, which only meant one thing. She had done something evil/illegal/unexpected/ harmful/ wicked/ startling/illogical. One of these things… or perhaps all. The question was what? Sarek eyed in alarm as she approached him, wearing an angelic smile.

Behind his wife followed Spock, with a pained expression on his face, rubbing his posterior. Sarek raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Mother pinched me," complained his son and heir, and he lowered his head in shame over his lack of control.

Sarek suppressed a sigh, extended one hand to form the ozh'esta and greeted his wife by gently touching her fingers.

_What was that?_

_Your son was being a smartass. Like his dad. _

_I most certainly am not. _

_Ooooh, we'll talk about this later. You bet your ass, mister, _Amanda communicated through their bond and sent Sarek a mental image of them almost 10 years ago. Him, bending over her, biting her shoulder for the first time.

_I just wanna clarify a minor, teeny-weeny detail. _

Sarek's face was the personification of innocence.

_As you wish, k'diwa._

"Let us eat," his father said in a tone that indicated the unfortunate incident was considered closed, and the family took their places around the dining table.

Spock recalled how his mother's mood was greatly improved that day, compared to her behaviour during the last months.

During dinner his usually silent mother became quite talkative. Amanda appeared happy at the recollection of her own days when she took dancing lessons and at his father's surprise at particular forms of dance.

In a casual way she mentioned to his father Spock's research in dance rituals… and mentioned the belly dancer.

As her thoughts travelled across space and time, to a lifetime that was no longer her own, Amanda Grayson missed the piercing, fiery look Sarek gave to their precious and… studious son.

It was a look that made Spock acknowledge the merits of being an only child. A look he managed to avoid as at that time he carefully observed the ingredients of his plomeek soup. Surely his father would not forget that Spock was his only heir? His posterior still hurt from his mother's pinch…

However the very same day, immediately after dinner, the library's computer terminal became password protected.

As a result, in the following days and years Spock developed a keen interest in studying computer programming. He began by cracking computer codes and overriding system protections – one house computer in particular - but later his interest was expanded into various other areas. His choice, years later, to follow a scientific career… was quite logical.

That night, his parents retired to their bedchamber earlier than usual. Spock presumed his mother was tired and needed an additional amount of sleep.

That must have been the case, the child assumed, because during the next days Amanda Grayson resumed a habit of hers she had eschewed for the last months. She started sleeping for a brief amount of time during the afternoon. Amanda referred to those periods of sleep as 'naps'. Clearly the nocturnal sleep was not sufficient for her.

True, life on Vulcan must have been difficult for his fragile Human mother, Spock concluded, and saw the logic behind his father's decision to offer physical support by sharing a common bedchamber.

That night, while Spock was lying in his bed, he thought fondly of his parents. And wished that he too would become a caring, proper and logical bondmate one day, like his father.

He turned on his side. He used to sleep on his side every night until then, because of I'Chaya.

The enormous sehlat usually slept on the floor, next to his bed, so Spock used to reach out and caress him. I'Chaya would then lick his face. Spock would rise, wash his face and return to bed. That used to happen once or twice every night. Then they would talk until they both fell asleep. Or more likely Spock did the talking. He talked to I'Chaya about… everything. His troubles at school, his schoolmates that teased him, his fears, his interests, his parents, his future bondmate, his hopes for the future. The sehlat would express his opinion with low growls. And that opinion was never judgmental.

But now I'Chaya was gone. This meant that from now on Spock had no one to talk to… no one to confide in. And his bond to T'Pring remained closed.

The child sighed heavily. That was it, then. From now on he would be all alone.

Spock took a final longing look at the empty corner and sent a mental farewell to his faithful friend who, with his life and death, earned every right to rest in their clan's most honored and ancient place: the S'chn T'gai burial grounds.

Then he turned again and lay on his back.

His father had suggested that sleeping position as more beneficial, efficient and restful, therefore more logical. Spock twisted his body a little. He was certain he would become accustomed to that sleeping position in time.

The little child closed his eyes to sleep…

Only to reopen them 7.5 seconds later. Puzzled he looked at the ceiling upon realising… He still had an unanswered inquiry.

Spock rose and sat on his bed. In a way that completely matched Sarek's, his little eyebrows drew together and two lines were formed between them.

So while sitting on his bed, the little child wondered…

It was highly unusual, yet his father never really did answer Spock's second question. Instead Sarek's reaction was… odd and surprising.

Because that day was the first, last, and only day in his life, when Spock saw his distinguished father's ears turn into the deepest shade of green he had ever seen.

It was… interesting.

However, it was after twenty years that Spock truly understood - first hand – numerous things. The full parameters of his father's decision, the multiple and rewarding benefits of sharing a common bedchamber, the exact reason why Sarek blushed heavily at his question, his mother's tangled hair and her illogical sleeping position.

And that… was fascinating!

* * *

Vulcan words / phrases (from VLD)

kahs'wan: training - to adulthood

ni'droi'ik nar-tor: I am sorry / asking forgiveness

Nam-tor ri thrap wilat nem-tor rim: There is no offense where none is taken, (a saying of Surak)

Ma etek natyan teretuhr lau etek shetau weh-lo'uk do tum t'on: We have differences. May we, together, become greater than the sum of both of us, (a saying of Surak)

Kun-ut so'lik: marriage proposal

ozh'esta: finger embrace

K'diwa: beloved

* * *

Chapter soundtrack

Sting - Fields of Gold

Elizabeth Mitchell - You Are My Sunshine

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Author's note: Next chapter, the epilogue, will reveal the reason that inspired "Various Shades of Gray".

English is not my native language, so it means a lot to me the fact that so many people chose to hit that small button at the bottom of the page, which gives fanfiction writers our only reward. Please consider leaving a review with your thoughts and comments.


	14. Epilogue Twenty one years later

Disclaimer is in prologue. Letters in Italics represent people's inner thoughts.

Author's note: Gray's epilogue takes place after the events of the 2009 movie. It is not a happy one - especially for us who are not pleased (to put it mildly) with the movie's writers who destroyed Vulcan. This epilogue brings together TOS/TAS with the new AU and it's dedicated to everyone who, like me, was shocked when Amanda Grayson failed to materialise in Enterprise's transporter room.

This chapter is edited by Aphrodite420 who corrected all the misplaced words and my crazy backward sentence structure ;-) My terrible habit to make last minute changes makes all remaining mistakes entirely mine.

There is no way I shall even thank Aphrodite420 and TeaOli enough for their assistance. Only their kindness and generosity made this story possible.

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**Various Shades of Gray**

**Epilogue: Twenty-one years later**

She shudders and yet refuses to open her eyes. For a few seconds she is unaware of his weight on her and feels as if she's floating, weightless, nameless, and empty. Except for the sensations her lover is causing in her body, there is nothing else in the entire universe. Only her… and him inside her.

Then he moves in her once more. Slowly. Silently. Forcefully.

And the universe explodes, as she comes with a loud moan.

He places his hand on her mouth to prevent her voice from being heard. The room's sound-proof protection is not activated and he makes a mental note to never again repeat that mistake. But as his fingers cover her mouth, she sucks them in. The touch of her lips is beyond his control – involuntarily he moans.

Lost in the aftermath of an orgasm, she is unaware of his fast breathing – something rare during their personal moments. She blinks once but suddenly even her eyelashes feel heavy from exhaustion. She closes her eyes again… Her body feels heavy like lead.

_Perhaps a few minutes of rest… Yes… _she thinks and falls asleep before realizing that he gently withdraws his body and repositions her on the bed, to sleep in a better position.

He exits the bathroom after a quick sonic shower, when the door's hissing sound causes her to quickly open up her eyes.

_Perfect. Will there be a day when I won't collapse after sex?_ she wonders, savoring the distinct musky scent that surrounds her. It is a sensation she wouldn't change for the entire world.

Without the slightest noise he returns to bed and takes her in his arms. It took an extensive two-hour conversation to convince him of the logic of cuddling without immediately changing the sheets. It was so worth it. His body is warm like an oven.

She smiles.

"Mmmm… A-plus."

His eyebrows drew together in puzzlement. "Do you grade our intercourse?"

She replies wearing her most innocent face. "Of course not, my love. Only your performance."

For a moment he hesitates, before he realizes - she is teasing him again. _Human females… _he ponders. _Their behavior is so typical sometimes. _

"I am not amused, Lieutenant," he states with his full Vulcan dignity.

Her face breaks into a big grin. "I'm not surprised, Commander. I think it's a common thing among males of all species." She narrows her eyes. "Hmmm… I wonder why..."

Smiling, she rests her head on his chest. The bed is not large. But that is not why they lie so close together.

"When is your next shift?" she asks, yawning. _Thank God I quit the gym_, she thinks, stretching her exhausted legs.

Reaching out to the bedside table, she checks the clock she has brought to his room. They've had sex for almost three hours.

"15:00 hours. You should sleep," he replies and kisses her forehead.

"Mmmm…"

"Sleep," his voice caresses her like a soft breeze.

She sleeps.

He remains still for a few minutes, looking at her peaceful face. Then he puts his face close to her head and sniffs her scent several times. His essence is all over her, and inside her. They are one.

_All is well_, he contemplates, satisfied, and after a few minutes he follows her into peaceful sleep.

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"Nevertheless I must insist. I consider that information vital."

She blinks; the sound of his austere voice suddenly wakes her. She feels upset and instinctively rubs her eyes and forehead, removing wisps of hair that fall on her face.

_What the-?_ _What time is it? _

"No, I do not agree with your assumptions. And furthermore, in this case, I find your logic seriously flawed."

She sits up disoriented. The bed next to her is almost cold. _Where is he? _

Alarmed, she looks up and sees him from behind, sitting upright in front of the computer terminal. He is talking to someone by subspace connection. She can't see the other person, but whoever is on the other line has made him visibly irritated.

Too puzzled to speak, she chooses to stay quiet for a few moments. It's been months since the only time he lost his control. But since then he's been a model of composure and serenity. _What is going on? _

She doesn't hesitate for long. Removing the covers, she grabs her robe and rises from the bed.

His voice sounds dry. "No, I will not recede, nor will I change my mind. I need that location. And as it happens, you are the only one who possesses that information."

Hearing familiar footsteps, he turns suddenly only to see her standing next to the bedroom's doorframe. His face is completely neutral. If he is surprised, it doesn't show.

Then he again turns his attention to the screen.

"We will continue this conversation another time. Till then," he says to the other person and shuts the screen, ending the conversation abruptly.

_No formal greeting_, she thinks. _Not good at all_. He is the personification of formality and the scene she just now witnessed isn't him.

He closes the terminal and swiftly stands up to face her. As always his face is blank, no emotion whatsoever. Whatever he thinks, he is cloaking it excellently. He is wearing only his meditation pants - nothing else, and he is barefoot. _The call was unscheduled_, she assumes.

_Now what?_ She stands there facing him, confused and uncertain. _Maybe we both are uncertain_, she thinks.

"I awoke you. My apologies."

"It's okay; you know I sleep lightly… What was that?" she asks and prays that he won't hold it against her for being curious.

He is the most private person she has or will ever meet, and granting her access into his life was so hard for him. Besides she didn't mean to eavesdrop, it was an accident. And they can't pretend it didn't happen either.

"I regret you witnessed that unfortunate incident," he replies and politely bows his head.

_He is uncomfortable_, she realizes, _and tries to hide it behind good manners_. They've known each other for three and a half years, have been together for almost a year and a half, and she knows him that much.

He also avoided answering her question. _Always the diplomat's son_, she thinks and curtly nods.

She wants to come closer, she wants to be in. She has fought tooth and nail and finally she succeeded – he let her in.

But it was so unbelievably difficult and still is; he is private as a sphinx. And there is nothing he could do about it, she repeats to herself. Apart from being a Vulcan, he is also an only child. It's in his nature to be secretive.

Yet they are together, and secrets should not exist between them. When she was a child, secrets almost cost her parents their marriage.

So tonight, once again, she will push a little more, just a little bit inside his comfort zone, and… they'll see what happens.

"Would you like to talk about it?" she asks. "Maybe I can help." She sounds hopeful – more hopeful than she really is.

He looks at her for a few seconds. "Your intention is most welcome-" he says.

_Shit,_ she thinks. _Here we go again._

"-but that is not necessary. It is…" he slightly tilts his head, "a private matter."

She sees red. She is so mad at him she feels her blood rise to her head within seconds. But she knows that anger will take her nowhere. So she mentally starts counting back from ten. Again.

_Ten… nine… eight… seven… six... _

She is grateful to her Starfleet training; she's able to control her temper more effectively, and of that she's really proud. The last time she lost her control, was three and a half years ago in a bar near the Riverside Shipyard, when she pushed the Captain, who was an even bigger jerk at that time. He had drunk half the Iowa River and – accidentally? – grabbed her 'girls'.

…_five… four… three… two…one. _She takes a deep breath. _Better. _

She raises both eyebrows. "Private?" she hisses. "Private," she repeats in a flat voice and forcefully exhales, fully aware that above all she needs to handle this with logic. Only then will she be able to win.

"Okay, private! Let's see." She reaches for the clock on the bedside table. "It is now… almost eight o'clock. That means that four hours ago – only four hours! – you had your mouth between my legs. You practically devoured me! You bit me! And you consider this," she gestures to the computer "private?" She crosses her arms and throws him a severe look. "I wonder where the logic is in that."

He visibly stiffens and straightens his shoulders. Her argument is both unexpected and an excellent one. She has won that point and they both know it.

For 5.2 seconds he stands there, simply looking at her. _She is beautiful_, he ponders, _even during an argument_. Her black hair falls on her shoulders like ribbons of soft silk.

It only takes him 5.2 seconds to change his mind. Her argument after all was quite logical. He has let her in – it is not proper to keep things from her. Not since he intends to declare kun-ut so'lik one day.

He blinks once and at that moment she knows she's won. Then he moves to his desk and opens up a drawer. He takes a small memory stick from inside and places it on the desk.

"What's that?" she asks.

"A few files I managed to retrieve from the Jellyfish, before I was beamed back into the Enterprise," he replies and watches the surprise written all over her face.

"The ambassador's ship?" she asks and he nods. "Why do you keep it here, in your quarters?" She narrows her eyes. "Does anybody else know about this?"

"Only my counterpart, and now you."

Her gaze widens in surprise. "And you didn't tell anybody? Why? Starfleet would want that information!" She knows that he might tell her how illogical it is to state the obvious, but she is shocked. He is one of Starfleet's best officers. He would never conceal evidence. This isn't logical... In fact, it is far from it.

Her face darkens. Whatever he's doing, it can damage his career. Was it worth it?

"What's in these files?" she asks, certain she will not like the answer.

"Information related to the red matter's nature and instructions on how to manufacture it," he answers in his usual neutral tone.

For a moment she feels dizzy, unable to believe her ears. It is an odd feeling, as if all blood is drained from her body.

"W-what?" she manages to ask before her body becomes limp. Stunned she takes a step back and almost stumbles. He moves toward her, but she withdraws again and avoids his embrace. Slowly she sits on the bed, watching him in disbelief.

He stands uncertain for a few seconds. Then he kneels in front of her. "Are you well?" he asks, unable to hide his concern.

Instinctively he places his right hand on her psi-points and checks her mentally. She is in need of rest and requires sleep, but overall she is well; just shocked by the unexpected revelation.

"I–apologize." He never mumbles, but seeing her changing colors is too much for him. Inwardly he curses his innate bluntness – he knows that he needs to pay more attention to the emotional side-effects his words have upon her.

Ηe rises quickly, goes to the replicator and returns with a glass of water which she accepts mechanically, without uttering a single word.

After drinking it she is still unable to say anything. Only her eyes, looking at him kneeling in front of her, reveal her hurt feelings. But quickly she manages to find her voice again.

Nyota Uhura is a fighter, always has been. She has fought hard in her life and has managed to win over her most difficult enemy: herself. She has struggled through poverty and with the help of her family she has succeeded in studying xenolinguistics and finally became not only an excellent exolinguist, but also one of Starfleet's best communications officers.

And she has never, ever, begged anyone in her entire life.

Until now.

"Spock, please talk to me. Please, don't shut me out. Why did you do this? Why? If anyone finds out-"

He finally reaches out and caresses her check. "K'diwa, nobody will know. Calm yourself."

But she can't, she is furious. "That… shit, destroyed your planet!" she explodes and points to the memory stick. "It almost destroyed mine. So many people… And you kept it, without telling anyone? Why? Why?"

"Please calm down."

"I am calm, damn it!" Her eyes flash, her voice is desperate. "I only want to know, why?"

He rises and moves to stand next to the external window, one of the few privileges of being first officer on the Federation's flagship.

So for a few moments he just stands there, looking at the bright stars.

And she is sitting on the bed, waiting anxiously.

"I once considered undertaking the kolinahr," he simply says. "It is a mental training that purges a person from all emotion. That was before I entered Starfleet. My mother was the only other person who knew of this. I was uncertain about her feelings on this subject. However when I informed her, she smiled and told me she was proud of me, regardless of the choice I made.

"My mother…" He hesitates for several seconds and swallows to clear his voice, "…loved me unconditionally." His eyes do not leave the stars; the memory of his mother's last almost-smile will haunt him forever.

"She was Human, therefore quite emotional. And she loved me. Without reasons, without conditions, without boundaries, my mother was the only person who accepted me for what I am." His eyes turn on her and his gaze softens. "Present company excluded."

She is unable to hold back a small smile. "Thank you very much for the compliment, but I already knew that."

A sharp eyebrow rises. "I am curious as to how you acquired that knowledge."

"Well, she was your mother. Isn't it… logical?" She smiles and shrugs her shoulders.

"Unfortunately not," he replies. Curious, she looks at him. "You see, I had rejected her culture," he explains. "Biologically I may have a few Human genes, but I am fully Vulcan, by choice and by trial."

"I do not understand."

"Allow me to clarify." He moves away from the window, draws a chair and sits opposite her, steepling his fingers.

"Every Vulcan child at the age of seven undergoes a ritual known as kahs'wan, training to adulthood." He pauses for a few seconds, and then tilts his head. "Or at least that was the ritual, until now," he adds bitterly.

Looking down, she swallows hard. She wishes there was something she could say, but there is nothing… There is nothing else to say. What could anybody say, after such loss? She had said everything on that day, inside an elevator. So now she simply sits and lets him know she is there for him.

"However in my case, the ritual was accompanied by a serious choice," he adds and looks at her intensely.

Sometimes when he looks at her in that way, she can swear he will sigh. Of course he never does. He just… stands there, looking deep in her eyes as if he's searching for something. _A connection perhaps? _sometimes she wonders.

"What choice?" she asks, breaking the silence.

He takes a small yet audible breath. "I had to choose what path I would follow in my life, the Vulcan or the Human philosophy. I chose Vulcan. I chose my father."

"Why? Err, I mean how? You said you were only seven. What if later you changed your mind?" She shrugs her shoulders. "Or, I don't know, whatever happened? Something - anything, to make you reconsider. Couldn't you follow a combination of the two?" she asks, clearly confused. This is a subject they have never discussed before.

He nods. "I see I must explain before that."

He rises from the chair, and moves again to stand by the window. Since his childhood it was always easier to dream looking at the stars. And perhaps hope for something better to come…

"You know who my father is," he says as his eyes scan the dark space expanding in front of him.

"Who doesn't?"

"In the year 2225 my father came to Earth for the first time, to serve as an ambassador. He was completely uninformed of the planet and its people. He only knew that Humans, the planet's inhabitants, were an emotional species. Skon, my grandfather, had encouraged him to accept that position due to… personal reasons." He shifts uncomfortably and she holds her breath. He has never spoken to her about his family. He barely ever speaks about himself.

"My father had… kind of… divorced, as your people would say. Skon knew your species quite well. He respected Humans enough to translate 'The Teachings of Surak' into Standard English. And my great-grandfather, Solkar of Vulcan, who made first contact with Humans, served as our first ambassador to Earth."

She nods. "It's in every history book." Of course she knows that. What she didn't know is who her lover was. Well… eventually she found out.

"Two years later my father met my mother, who was hired to work as a junior assistant at the Vulcan Embassy. They developed a deep appreciation for each other, and after a few months they decided to bond."

"Marry."

He always looks at the stars. "Yes," he nods and continues.

"When my father was appointed as a member of the High Council, my mother gave up her entire life on Earth to follow him back to Vulcan. She resumed the citizenship by marrying my father and was adopted by our clan. Therefore she became Vulcan by marriage. It is rare, but it has happened in the past. Two years after their marriage I was born." He remains silent for a few seconds. "That much is public knowledge."

"She must have loved your father very much, to just leave everything behind and follow him."

He shifts his head in an undetermined way. "What is not widely known is that, after my birth, my mother developed a disease that prevented her from having another child."

She freezes – that was one of the last things she expected to hear. "I'm sorry," she says mechanically, and immediately closes her eyes and mentally scolds herself. How many times has she said that phrase during the last months? Numerous times. At the end it will lose its meaning. Not that for him that phrase is significant.

"My father never asked me to choose between him and my mother," he continues. "However, which philosophy to follow was a choice I had to make for myself. Therefore my father presented me with the two available choices, their advantages and their deficiencies.

"Due to certain events, that occurred when I was seven, I chose to follow exclusively the Vulcan way as I deemed it was the best option for me at that time. Now, after so many years, I still do. So I may have a few Human genes, but I am full Vulcan by choice. Additionally I have succeeded in my kahs'wan; therefore I am Vulcan by trial."

"I see," she whispers. _How would he be, had he chosen otherwise?_ she wonders. Yet somehow, it is impossible to think of him differently. Somehow, in her eyes, he is perfect, just as he is.

"I understand that it is difficult for you to comprehend the reasons why I kept the red matter information. In order to fully explain my actions, I shall narrate to you the circumstances under which I took my decision to fully embrace my father's culture."

He never looks at her. His gaze always remains on the stars. But he is not dreaming – he has no need to dream – he remembers. Because, due to his eidetic memory, he can not forget, and never will.

"The circumstances, of which I speak of, are events that happened a month before my seventh birthday. One day I had a…" - he shakes his head infinitesimally as he carefully chooses his next word - "…disagreement with three of my schoolmates. Our argument left me determined to prove myself in the face of the kahs'wan ritual which I was scheduled to undertake the next month.

"That same night I decided to leave the safety of our home and headed for the Sas-a-shar desert in order to spend a night there. Although quite an inhospitable place, I had confidence in my abilities because it was not the first time I visited it. I had been out there numerous times before, with my father. It was however the first time I went out there alone. Or at least that's what I intended. I'Chaya, our sehlat followed me."

"You had a sehlat?" she asks with a timid smile and he nods.

"Most Vulcan families have. Had," he corrects himself and her smile vanishes. His loss is still so painful that sometimes – quite often – she feels a sharp pain through her heart.

"Very quickly I saw the fault of my impetuous decision. In my haste I forgot the most important rule of survival. A person should travel to the desert only during the day and should seek shelter during the night. As it happened, I was attacked by a desert predator, a lematya."

She gasps – she knows what a lematya was like. "Oh, my God! What happened?" Her voice is filled with agony and for the first time he turns to look at her face.

He is illogically pleased with her emotional reaction, most pleased. Her eyes become wider, her breathing becomes faster, and her mouth is slightly open. It is an unVulcan emotional reaction, her worry about him, yet somehow this makes him… feel… proud.

"I'Chaya defended me. He fought the wild animal and saved us time. We were fortunate that a guest of my household, a strong, young man at the prime of his life, without our knowledge had followed us, I'Chaya and me. The man nerve-pitched the lematya thus rendering it unconscious and saved my life.

"I was safe; however during the fight I'Chaya was slightly injured. I ran to fetch a healer but by the time we returned it was too late. The venom from the lematya's claws was deep inside him and no antidote could save him.

"The man who saved my life stood beside me and offered useful advice at a most… ambivalent and conflicting moment. I'Chaya's alternative would be a slow and agonizing death. But that man helped me make the best, most logical decision."

She understands the full meaning of his words. "Oh, I see," she whispers and lowers her gaze.

"His exact words were, 'every life comes to an end when time demands it. Loss of life is to be mourned but only if the life was wasted'. I'Chaya's life was not wasted; therefore it was illogical to extend his agony or mourn his loss."

She bites her lips. After her parents put Tiara, their cat, to sleep, she cried for weeks. She was only eleven and the idea of not being able to cry even now is… unthinkable.

"At that time I'Chaya was quite old, 112.91 years old-" he catches himself and eyes her carefully "-approximately." She dislikes it when he mentions long numbers in their private bedchamber.

He turns again to gaze at the distant stars – they look so peaceful… so quiet. "I'Chaya was a member of our household for three generations. Skon, my grandfather, had brought him as a surprise gift to my grandmother, years before she even conceived my father. My reckless actions cost him his life."

"I'm-" she catches herself, before again saying sorry. "I grieve with thee," she says and he turns and slightly bows his head.

"It was not a meaningless sacrifice," he replies, looking at her. "I'Chaya did save my life by gaining time. And his death offered me a clear perspective of the path I had to follow."

Now she is even more confused than before. "Thank you for sharing all of that with me. But what you're saying happened twenty years ago."

"True. The most important element in the story is the identity of the man who saved me. He introduced himself as Selek, a long-distant cousin my father had never met. He arrived in our house earlier that day and left the next morning after delivering me safe to my parents.

"After 2 weeks my father spoke with his uncle Sasak, and inquired as to whether his son's journey to the family shrine was without any further incidents. He wished to thank him as Selek's interference had saved my life. Sasak's reaction was a most unexpected one."

"What do you mean?"

"Sasak's son, my father's cousin, was not at Shi'Kahr at that time. The man, who came to our house and saved my life, was an impostor who resumed his identity. My father tried to locate him but to no avail. It was as if he disappeared from the planet's surface."

"An impostor?" She can hardly believe it. She never expected to see the day a Vulcan would lie. But again so many things, unexpected things occurred…

"Ultimately his identity was revealed. In the light of the recent… events."

"You found him?"

"I did."

"He survived?"

"Yes."

"Thank God! Did you have the opportunity to thank him?"

"I did. He offered again most useful advice."

She shakes her head. "So… who is he?"

"His name is Spock. He is my counterpart."

"No!"

"Yes."

"It can't be! He traveled across time twice?" She freezes and for a moment she is almost out of words. Then her mind quickly repeats what he just told her. There are several inconsistencies in this story.

"But… But… How? The time portal opened when the black hole destroyed Romulus. He was already old when that happened."

"Indeed, 118 years older. He was 39 years old when he first traveled back to Vulcan and saved my life. Now he returns for the second time and he is 157 years old."

"But… how did he manage to travel through time without the red matter? He said that it was specifically developed to prevent the destruction of Romulus." She gasps. "Oh, my God! He lied?"

"Actually, he did not. Which brings us to the reason I withheld this memory chip without informing anyone."

Unwillingly she shivers. "I have a bad feeling about this."

He again turns his gaze to the stars. "According to these files, somewhere out there, in one of our galaxy's four quadrants, there is an L-class planet called Gateway. Or at least that is what it is called in the ambassador's time. When we discover it we might name it differently, even though that name is quite fitting.

"When my counterpart served on the Enterprise, during their initial 5 year mission, they discovered the planet and the remains of an ancient civilization that vanished millennia ago. They are now extinct; nevertheless they did leave a few traces behind.

"On that planet, among other things, that species left a device, a construction as old as 5 billion years, perhaps older. However its age is not its most memorable characteristic. The construction is a sentient being, capable of interaction. It calls itself 'the Guardian of Forever' and apparently is self-conscious."

"Sounds very impressive," she agrees. "One more reason Starfleet would want this memory stick."

He nods and turns toward her. "Indeed. Yet there is more. In addition to answering questions, the Guardian also acts as a time portal, capable of controlling the flow of time. The first time the ambassador traveled back to the timeline, was through that portal."

She blinks, once, twice, three times.

"Unbelievable!" she murmurs slowly as she tries to comprehend the new knowledge all at once. Then she rubs her forehead. There are still parts that do not make sense.

"But why were those files on his ship?" she asks, clearly confused. "He made the journey more than 100 years ago. Why did he still carry it with him, after all that time?"

"Apparently a group of scientists from the Vulcan Science Academy spent many months studying the Guardian, on what was an unauthorized research. They discovered that the basic element empowering the Guardian's time portal is decalithium, a rare isotope-"

"-Narada was equipped to mine..." she cuts him. The sudden realisation sends chills down her spine "…and the basic element of red matter."

"Exactly," he nods. "Their research was without the consultation or approval of Federation authorities. Yet when Romulus was in danger, these scientists were ready and provided the solution-"

"-only they were too late…" Her mouth twists in an odd, pained smile as she lets out a mocking chuckle. "Ironic, isn't it? They had in their hands Humanity's greatest dream, a device that controls time… and still were unable to prevent disaster."

"It appears that each time a person travels through time, they must be very careful not to alter important historical events," he explains in a thoughtful way. "That is one of the requirements the Guardian sets in order to allow passage through the portal. The slightest disruption in the timeline can change the course of events in most unpredictable ways.

"The first time the ambassador traveled through the Guardian, was to prevent the death of me and my mother. A previous scientific expedition had made a mistake that slightly altered the continuum.

"The Guardian was aware of that, therefore he requested that the course of events be restored. As a result my counterpart was forced to act, so as to reverse the damage the previous expedition had caused.

"Luckily for both of us, he succeeded in preventing my death, which would later result in the death of my mother." He appears hesitant while he admits in an uncomfortable way, "Should I have died… my mother would leave my father… and die in a shuttle accident on her way to Earth.

"In my case, during the ambassador's first journey, the events resulted in a minor side-effect, I'Chaya's death, something that did not happen when the ambassador was a child. In his memory I'Chaya was not injured by the lematya and lived an additional 24.1 years."

He stands in front of her rigid and unyielding, the perfect example of Vulcan discipline, self-control and worse – determination.

"You asked why I kept that memory stick and did not hand it over to Starfleet. I intend to find planet Gateway and use the Guardian to return to our planet a few minutes before the disaster. I can not alter the main historical events – the Guardian will not allow it.

"However there is something I can do – someone to save. And I shall return to save her. I shall return back to fetch my mother. Alive."

She can't believe her own ears. "But… But…"

He turns to look again at the stars; his eyes frantically try to locate the one, single planet among the billions. _Which one could it be? There are so many… _

"I suspect the planet is in the Beta Quadrant of our galaxy, although I am not sure," he says, partially to himself. "Its exact location and even its very existence was a highly classified secret. My counterpart knows where it is located, yet so far he refuses to tell me."

"Why?"

"He claims that although it is possible I will succeed, there will be events that may be affected – events out of my power. He fears that the timeline might be altered again and that the Council's rescue attempt will fail… or worse.

"I admit– I admit that initially my intention was to return, alert my people and try to save Vulcan. But that would change the timeline and the Guardian would not allow it.

"In addition to that, Narada's force was no match even for our advanced defenses. Every scenario I created ended up with Vulcan's destruction. I could only delay the inevitable – not prevent it.

"Then I considered notifying the Federation, but, as it was proven, our fleet was no match for Narada's power either."

His voice sounds almost passionate as he narrates his plan.

"My father told me that my mother was not at home when he returned for her. She was on a nearby hill, observing the drill's beam. According to my father, when he found her she appeared to be in a state of mild shock. That presents an ideal opportunity. I shall return at that moment before my father locates her and retrieve her. In that way we will not be seen by anybody else.

"My actions will not alter the timeline; not considerably anyway. I shall still presume my mother died on Vulcan, therefore my reaction to the captain's provocation will have 85.2 percent chances in being the same."

In a flash her mind goes back and replays everything he has told her from that day.

How his father left from the Science Academy, went home, took the hoverbike, and searched frantically for his wife.

How he finally, through their bond, located her on the nearby hill, took her and together they sought shelter in the katric ark, until their son beamed down on the planet's surface in an attempt to save them.

Her eyes are filled with tears. There is still so much pain, so much loss inside him that sometimes, when she takes a moment to think about it, she feels a deep choking pain in her throat.

"I can see you have thought about this quite thoroughly," she whispers numbly.

"I have."

"And you are quite determined."

"I am," he replies in a firm voice. "The planet's location is the only piece of information I am missing. I am certain the ambassador will soon see the logic of my proposal and provide me with the location. It is after all something he chose to do in his past."

She shakes her head in wonder, thinking about everything he had told her. "You know, this can actually work," she murmurs partially to him, partially to herself.

"I am pleased that you agree with me."

It is perhaps the most difficult thing she has said in her entire life. As she opens her mouth to speak, her breath is caught in her throat - she almost chokes on her reply.

"I - don't."

He remains silent for several seconds, eyeing her carefully as if he is measuring her exact weight with his eyes. His next words are chosen one by one. "I am not certain I understand where you object," he says in the driest tone she has ever heard.

_He can't see what's right in front of him_, she thinks and a single tear rolls down her cheek. She draws in a deep, shaky breath. This… will be difficult.

"May I ask you a question?" Her tone is almost shy.

"You may."

"If I was in your mother's place… Would you come back for me?"

He shifts his head imperceptibly, trying to predict her reasoning.

"Would you search for me," she continues, "while everything around you fell apart?" Her voice is soft as she looks at him in a pleading way.

_It is my duty,_ is his first thought. He wants to say it aloud, but he doesn't. They are not bonded yet. _Not now, but soon_, he thinks.

"If you were within my range of responsibility, I would ensure your well-being," is his final reply.

_Always the diplomat's son_, she thinks and in the next moment she is again boiling mad at him.

_He is so like his father,_ _a god-damned splitting image, why can't he see for himself what's right in front of him?_

He will hate her for what she'll tell him, she is sure of it.

Frustrated she bites her lower lip fiercely and repeatedly while looking from one side of the room to the other, in an attempt to delay saying what she wants to say.

He worships his mother. Even if he'll never admit it loud, she can see it in his eyes. When he speaks of her, his voice becomes softer, his words slow down and his eyes slightly lose their sharp focus.

He also loses his concentration – that discovery was one of the most shocking things she has ever made about him during their relationship. When he recalls his mother his ability to concentrate slows down. And his brown eyes look… sad.

Yes, he will hate her, she is certain of it.

But she'll say it nevertheless. She loves him that much.

_Stupid girl,_ she thinks to herself, _you give him everything and don't hold anything back for you._ But she can't, she is unable to keep secrets from him; she is in love and wants to lay her bare soul at his feet. _So be it then._

"So… What about your dad?" she asks. "What will happen to him?"

"My father will seek shelter in the katric ark," he replies in a matter-of-fact tone. "He already has done so. I shall retrieve him with the rest of the Council members."

"Are you absolutely sure?"

"Naturally. There is no logical reason not to-"

"Didn't it ever strike you as odd the fact that out of the six Council members your father was the only one to bring his wife with him to the ark? You told me your parents were the last ones to arrive because your dad delayed, searching for your mom. You say that you wouldn't leave me out there. What makes you think your dad would leave your mom?"

Suddenly he realizes what her words mean. She is trying to warn him about… about…

About history repeating itself.

His eyes fall to the floor.

I'Chaya's lying there, right in front of him.

He sees again his childhood friend's pleading eyes, hears his soft whimper while the venom is running deep inside his veins.

He will always control his emotions, emotions that if left free have the power to destroy… him and everybody around him.

And I'Chaya is always whining a slow, agonizing plea that tears his strong Vulcan heart apart.

During his last minutes his friend endured such intense pain, that his counterpart, in order to offer some relief, until the healer's arrival, had to nerve pitch him.

He recalls his frantic run, a small seven-year-old child's frantic run from the dangerous desert to the healer's home in the city of Shi'Kahr.

Desperate, he had begged, pleaded the older man, had used his father's respected name in order to convince him it wasn't a human farce, and bring him to the desert in the middle of the night.

Upon his return with the healer, he had watched those big, soothing eyes fade forever. The moment he took his first step to the path of logic, was the moment he bade farewell to his only friend.

Ever since that day he had followed that path, the only path that offered serenity and peace, without ever looking back.

That was… until the day he stood with his father on the transporter platform.

He recalls his father's pained dark look, the moment they both experienced the abrupt cut of their telepathic bonds – him, his maternal bond, his father his marital bond.

He recalls his father's soft words; spoken for his ears only, as later they stood alone in the same transporter room.

"_You asked me once why I married your mother,"_ his father's voice is ringing in his ears again. It took Sarek 17 years to answer his 11 year-old son's question.

Then his mind plays one more scenario.

One more… in a long line of possible case scenarios formed in his mind during the last months, ever since he examined the contents of an insignificant little memory stick.

The events that take place in front of him are the same as the ones spoken by his lover's lips. He turns his eyes to look at her.

His gaze is fixed on these beloved lips. They speak the truth. They tremble. _When did the truth become so painful?_ he wonders.

"I know you've said you've thought of everything," she says with a shaky voice, "but… I'm thinking… are you sure - and I mean absolutely sure - that your dad will go to the katric ark without your mom?

"I mean… even if between the earthquakes and the planet's destruction… Even if somehow you do manage to find your mom, communications were blocked; the planet was falling apart… How will you notify your dad that you've got her? What if your dad goes searching for your mom and doesn't make it back to the ark in time?"

She looks at him with a pleading look in her eyes. "And are you absolutely sure that you two will manage to reach the portal before the planet explodes? Everything happened within minutes – minutes!"

Frustrated she turns and sits on the bed – collapses onto it is more like it.

"Now that I'm thinking about it," she says, "it makes sense that a person's presence in another timeline will change things, no matter how much they'll try not to. Maybe that's the reason your sehlat died, and it had nothing to do with the ambassador's actions. Just his mere presence created… a different situation.

"The way I see it," she continues, "even if Narada's crew or the Ambassador did nothing to intervene and change history, their presence alone would somehow change the flow of events. Maybe not in the way it did… maybe in a far lesser way. But some things eventually would change."

For a brief moment he hesitates as his eyes are fixed again on the floor, in front of him.

_Soon we shall bond_, he thinks, looking at I'Chaya._ Soon she will know my most intimate thoughts… _He speaks the next words almost against his will.

"The ambassador's mother was 96 years-old when she died. Quite peacefully in her sleep." There is a thin thread of longing in his voice. "And for that… I… envy… him."

Stunned he lowers his head and looks at I'Chaya, suffering at his feet.

Could it be? That his actions in the last months were illogical? He had accused the ambassador – the ambassador! – who had already saved his mother's life once. But could it be that he was the illogical one?

Well if he was, for that brief amount of time, illogical never seemed more desirable.

Sitting on the bed, she is unable to hold back her tears. Her shoulders begin to shake as she begins sobbing quietly.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…" she whispers in a drowned voice. That painful emotion of grief that enfolds her like a heavy veil is almost unbearable. She chokes – her throat is burning. Her vision is blurred by tears. Her cheeks are aflame. She feels her temples throb, the blood in her veins pounding. She coughs and takes a deeper breath – it is as if there is not enough air in the room…

He raises his gaze from the floor. Just like Vulcan, I'Chaya was and is no more. _Kaiidth. __What is is_.

But his mate is here, now, and she needs him. He takes two determined strides and reaches her side.

Swiftly, she rises from the bed and throws herself into his arms. Tenderly he embraces his lover, transmitting to her an enveloping feeling of calmness and serenity.

He sniffs deeply once - the sensation is most calming. His scent is still all over her.

"You said so yourself," she whispers between sobs, "every life comes to an end… when time demands it… and loss of life is to be mourned… but only if the life was wasted. I look at you… And her life wasn't wasted... It wasn't her time, yes, but… what if… what if, while saving her, your father sacrifices his life, just like I'Chaya sacrificed his life for you?

"You said you wouldn't leave me. So why should your dad behave differently? What if he doesn't leave her either? And… if your dad doesn't make it to the bridge… Spock, you'll kill someone with your bare hands. And then… what will happen to our home?"

He looks down at her face, his expression unreadable as always. Only his eyes reveal a feeling of sympathy in a contradictory sense, as if she is mourning for someone she lost and he is offering comfort.

_True, __logic and control still are and always will be far, far better options than emotion,_ he ponders as he strokes gently her wet cheeks, removing the tears.

_Yet…_

He was unable to mourn his mother's loss, Vulcan as he is. At least not according to his mother's traditions, her way of life and heritage – a legacy he chose to reject so many years ago.

A part of him is not pleased when his lover cries. The Vulcan part of him finds her tears upsetting… most upsetting, almost threatening his own existence.

But another part of him, his Human part, is grateful for those tears.

True, he was unable to mourn the loss of his Human mother, Vulcan as he is.

So when, six months ago, his lover's tears first began running down her cheeks, he did the only logical thing… and claimed them as his own.

From now on, these were his tears streaming down Nyota's face, mourning his mother's loss, the way he knows she always wanted, but never spoken out loud.

He will forever be grateful for these tears that now stand at the edge of Nyota's eyes and one by one slowly roll down her cheeks. When he claimed them as his own, it was one of the most liberating moments of his life.

He recalls a fond memory from a time and place long, long ago. At the time he thought of it as another human joke – a tease. But not any more.

"Ever since my kahs'wan, my mother often said I was more Grayson than everybody else believed I was." He gently strokes her hair. "I think I understand now what her words truly meant.

"Please, do not cry ashayam. I shall… meditate upon it."

She sniffs, considerably calmer. "Okay," she nods, embarrassed, wiping tears away.

He cups and lightly raises her chin, bends down and places a chaste kiss on her lips – almost a soft touch.

Always willing, her mouth opens and accepts his, deepening the comforting kiss, that becomes more and more intense, almost desperate. She embraces him tightly with both her arms, and after a hesitant moment he reciprocates the embrace.

Her weight is insignificant. He lifts her from the floor, and lays them both on the bed; his hands caress her body, removing her robe… when he breaks the kiss for a second.

"Computer, activate sound-proof protection."

"Oh my God! It wasn't on?"

He silences her with another breath-taking kiss.

.

.

.

After some time they lay spent in one another's embrace.

"20 minutes," she says, checking the nearby clock. "That was a quickie."

"It would be illogical to engage in a prolonged copulation. You need rest."

"Oh, I couldn't possibly sleep now." She remains silent, her head resting on his chest. Thank God, that choking feeling is now gone and she can think straight again. And he said that he'll meditate about it… meaning the discussion is closed.

"I'm sorry I cried earlier," she whispers.

"It is of no consequence. There is no need to apologize."

She shakes her head. "No, it does matter. It makes you uncomfortable - I'm sorry. I just…" She sighs. "I don't know what's come over me. I'm not whiny. It's just that sometimes during the last months - I can't help myself."

It is his turn to remain silent for a few minutes, contemplating. True, she is always composed – even in the face of Vulcan's destruction she showed unparalleled bravery and courage – especially for a Human. Her behavior and proactive thinking earned her the communications console on the ship's bridge.

So what is the meaning of those tears? Where do they come from?

Laying her head on his chest she says nothing, knowing that he is probably thinking about something. He will speak about it when he is ready. So she closes her eyes and waits, lying comfortably in his arms.

Her lover's skin is hot, hotter than hers. She is almost lulled into sleep by his cozy warmth when his voice awakens her.

His thread of thoughts led him into the only logical conclusion.

"It is possible that I am the reason of your emotional unrest."

She raises her head and gives him a puzzled look. "What do you mean?"

"Our close physical proximity. I am a touch telepath and skin to skin contact can initiate emotional transference. I believe I need to strengthen my mental shields." _Until we are bonded,_ he thinks but doesn't say it aloud. That day will come soon. But not now.

"Are you saying that I am sensing your grief?" she asks, surprised.

"It is possible. Vulcan emotions run deep. However without control-" He hesitates. "You also need to learn to shield yourself from me. We shall begin with a few simple first-grade mental exercises."

"First-grade?"

"Appropriate for infants and children under three years old."

"Hey! Watch it, mister," she gives him a small, crooked smile and pinches his arm. "I'm not a baby."

Clearly amused, he raises an eyebrow. "Indeed you are not, but you are psi-null. My mother also undertook the same training." The twinkle leaves his eyes and his gaze becomes serious again. "In the absence of a healer, we shall train together... Nyota, did you learn the mantra I gave you?"

"The children's song?"

"It is not a child's song."

"You just said that those exercises-"

"That mantra is not an exercise. It is an ancient tune performed during– a ceremony."

"Oh! And I was wondering about its meaning. What kind of ceremony?"

He remains quiet while looking at her. Another ideal moment is presented in front of him.

Now, right now, exactly right now, he could tell her everything.

How his logic will one day leave him and, against his wish, he'll seek her out. He will seek her and only her, the most precious of all females – his k'hat'n'dlawa.

How nothing will stand in his way. He will look for her with all his power, because she'll be his only hope, his only salvation, his only anchor with sanity… with life.

How his blood will burn and, before the fever consumes him, he will place his life in her hands.

How she will keep him alive while he will struggle with his inflaming body.

Then he could tell her how important it will be that she remains calm, strong and focused on the mantra, like a proper Vulcan wife. Like his late mother who had stood by his father through so many Times.

That ideal moment comes… Ιs here… now… now… now…

And then it is gone.

Before he reveals to her Vulcan's most shameful, deeply hidden secret, he must discuss it first with an Elder, who will provide helpful information on the delicate issue.

At first he had thought of a healer. But then the Ambassador came; only he told him his bondmate was not human. Due to the present shortage of healers, that leaves as the only logical solution, his father.

However his father, like himself, still struggles with the pain of his bondmate's recent loss. That conversation would be most ill-timed, not to mention painful to both of them.

And even when they do discuss it… Once she will know…

He looks at her. Will she do it? Can she do it? A cold feeling sweeps all over him. Fear. Fear for the unknown. Fear of what is to come. Fear for himself. Fear for her.

And hope. She is here, now, in his arms, safe and secure. She is not going anywhere. She loves him, unconditionally. And there is still time.

They still have time.

"An essential ceremony," he replies drawing her closer.

One day he will tell her. But not today, _not now_.

Later during his meditation, when he will recall in his mind the events of the day, he will realise that this was the first time he referred to his mother as 'late' – the first time he acknowledged her loss. The first time he truly thought of her as… absent.

Only the answer he gave is not exactly what she expected to hear. "Hmmm… Spock, is there something you want to tell me?"

He hesitates for a brief amount of time. "There is still time for us to get accustomed to certain things. However, I wish to make a request."

_He's uncomfortable again_; she realises and tightens her arms around him in a reassuring way.

"Sure. What is it?"

"I wish for us to experiment… during sexual acts."

Despite her blue mood, she almost bursts out laughing – again he caught her totally by surprise. _Did he just say… what?_ He is shy, one of the shyest people she has ever known. It's not that she was an expert, but the first time she performed oral sex on him, he was unable to make eye contact with her for the next two days.

But this is a golden opportunity for a tease. And she is far too evil to let it pass.

"An experiment?" she purrs in her most sensual voice while running her right index finger in circles around his navel. "Why, Commander… I'm not sure I've told you before, but I don't do threesomes."

"A sum of what?" He raises a confused eyebrow, and the only thing she can do is choke a small laugh.

_Cultural blindness indeed. He couldn't understand a joke even if it hit him right in the head._ She shakes her head and gives him a wry smile. "Never mind. What sort of experiment?"

"I wish for us to engage in copulation while you mentally chant the mantra."

_Well, that's… odd,_ she thinks, observing him - his slanted eyebrows, his pointed ears. Her hand lying on his side feels his beating heart. For a moment she becomes distracted by his soft, honey-brown human eyes.

Then he blinks once - in two phases. First with his external and then with his inner eyelids. The movement is so quick that it goes almost unnoticed to the casual observer.

Sometimes, when she looses herself in his warm brown eyes, she forgets that her lover is alien, not human. And sometimes, quite often, she has the strange feeling that her body is not the only thing he wants to claim from her - that her soul is his ultimate goal.

It is an intriguing but also scary thought, but she dismisses it almost immediately. Vulcans value privacy more than anything else. She must be mistaken.

"Ummm… sure. Why not?" She twists her lips. "And as we are making confessions…" her hand that lies on his side abstractly makes small circles.

Slender fingers, strong as steel, circle hers gently before she reaches his ribs, which are quite sensitive to the touch. It was a discovery they had made at the beginning of their relationship when they still learned each other's body.

They have never spoken openly about it as he considers it a weakness - obviously a part of his Human heredity.

"You have a confession to make?" he asks, trying to divert her attention.

"Yea…" she puffs. "I meant to tell you, I changed my schedule and quit the gym, it was so boring! So we won't meet there any more. What I'm thinking about is enrolling in a dance class. It'll be fun. What do you think?"

An image is formed in his mind, that of a rival male embracing she who belongs to him. He is no fool – he knows how other males view his mate. The words leave his mouth almost before the thought is formed in his mind. "I shall accompany you, should you enroll in a dance class. After all most dances are performed by couples."

"You?" She is surprised, always assuming he has two left feet. "Commander, do you even know how to dance?"

"Of course I do, Lieutenant."

"I mean Earth dances, not Vulcan ones with weapons!"

"I refer you to my previous answer."

_Is that a smirk at the edge of his mouth?_ she wonders. No, his face is serious, yet she can swear he is laughing from within.

"You. Know how to dance," she repeats, still unable to believe her ears.

"Naturally."

"And may I ask who taught you?"

A sharp eyebrow rises - the utmost Vulcan gesture and in this case, a small tease.

"My mother," he replies in a casual way. He draws her closer and she again rests her head on his chest.

"My mother," he repeats in a much softer tone as his gaze travels to the ceiling.

He really is not looking at it.

"She taught me a great many things."

.

.

.

In the Vulcan Embassy on Earth, the four surviving members of the High Council rest in their personal bedchambers. It is night and they are all tired and spent, both mentally and physically.

The burden that falls on their shoulders is enormous, heavier than that of the rest of the remaining members of their species.

All Elders have lost their bondmates. However personal grief is illogical, as the needs of the many always have and always will outweigh the needs of the few.

Οr the one.

As of now, on the four of them falls the responsibility of re-establishing their species. Someone weaker couldn't have made it. Yet Vulcans are strong in mind and in body. And this is not the first time they face annihilation. They have survived in the past, they will survive now.

During the last months, apart from finalizing the relocation plans to their new home planet, the four Elders have performed numerous mind-melds to assist surviving members of their decimated population. The cut of telepathic family bonds was abrupt and Vulcan emotions run deep… Many survivors are severely traumatized both physically and mentally.

The healing process is difficult, most difficult. It requires time, patience and strength. So, unless there are any emergencies, at night all Elders retire to their bedchambers after another exhausting day.

They all follow the same sleeping pattern. They lie on their backs and keep to themselves. That is the most logical and efficient sleeping position. Tomorrow will be another difficult day and they need to regain all their strength to face the unknown.

However one Council member sleeps in a different position than the rest. He lies on his side and a pleasant dream draws the faintest smile to his lips.

.

The end.

* * *

All Vulcan words and phrases are from the Vulcan Language Dictionary and are mentioned in the previous chapters.

* * *

Chapter soundtrack

Diana Ross - If We Hold On Together

* * *

Author's note: Red matter information comes from Memory Alpha and Memory Beta. I really have done a LOT of research for this story.

According to Wikipedia the name 'Grayson' first appeared in the TAS episode 'Yesteryear'. I don't know how D.C. Fontana chose it as Amanda's last name. I imagine by chance (although I'd like to ask her). Nevertheless, chance or not, I feel that 'Grayson' describes perfectly Spock's personality.

Recently I read a very emotional ST story about loss and writing the closing line gave me an idea about Sarek saying goodbye, a small one-shot. However I need to get another writer's permission for that.

I understand that some people may not like this ending. But this story is written as a sequel to 'Yesteryear', a tale of losing someone dear and finding yourself, a tale of going forward while leaving your heart behind, the best ST episode of all series, IMHO. Please forgive me for having the nerve to write its sequel.

For those who want two great stories on how Amanda Grayson was brought back, check out Tales from the Spock Side's excellent "Holding pattern" and Aphrodite420's "Shen s'Vitush" from my favorites.

Don't forget, reviews are not only encouraging but also my window to communicate with you. Please let me know what you think.


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